Emotional Abuse: a Child's Perspective. Some Family Do's and Dont's.

by Elaine Riley
(Lancashire, UK)

O.K. So I'm writing this as an adult... but, let's get it straight... I've been there as a child...
I grew up in a family where bitchiness and competitivity were like "pastimes", accepted as "natural behaviour". Coming from large, Catholic families, both my parents bought into this way of thinking from an early age. "He's the cleverest", "She's the prettiest", "He's the tallest", "She's the thinnest".
My parents did not openly display their emotions; nor was it encouraged in me, or my brother. Come to think of it, this is not strictly correct! They did not openly display POSITIVE emotions. NEGATIVE ones, such as shouting, rowing, arguing, bitterness and anger were a daily family "free-for-all". Hugs and cuddles were a strict "no-go area", as was the notion of positive reinforcement of behaviour (i.e. praise and rewards). Life was about "keeping your head down" and hoping that you did not incite a public display of somebody's wrath!
My parents ruled with iron fists, and obediance was simply expected. My brother and I did not really learn about the concept of earned respect, but rather about enforced discipline. Had Charles Dickens been around today, he would have recognised my family's "parenting style"! It was the "children are to be seen and not heard" concept! Discipline was enforced through a regime of threats and coercion (usually the threats were enough, but they were more than often followed-up anyway, "for good measure"). I learned quickly about "a good hiding", and "a smack", but never really that much about "please" and "thank you".
My parents were keen to ensure that my brother and I behaved in the manner expected, and again, this was done through coercion. It was also achieved by the systematic eradication of all that made us unique. Comparison was a useful tool ("why can't you be more like..."), as was feigned disappointment, "the guilt trip" ("you've really let me down"). If all else failed, then use criticism ("that skirt really makes you look fat", or "you look like a tart in that!").
I get thoroughly annoyed by the old excuse that emotional abuse is difficult to spot and hard to prove. This is far too often trotted out by Social Services, and the Judicial System, often when a case of abuse has been left to get out of hand...
YOU CAN SPOT EMOTIONAL ABUSE. YOU CAN PROVE IT. IT IS PROBABLY THE EASIEST OF ALL. WHEREVER THERE IS ANY OTHER SORT OF ABUSE GOING ON, THEN THERE WILL BE EMOTIONAL ABUSE TOO!
Not only that, but the very demeanour of the child involved will serve as "living proof". Emotional abuse is cruel; it strips away all that makes the child individual. It is a personal attack upon their very integrity. It therefore has a clear, and very evident result.
If you suspect emotional abuse, you CAN follow a line of inquiry. Look at the child. Look for a child who is timid, and lacks confidence. They will most likely have little, or no, self-esteem. They may shy away from involvment, not wanting to be "in the limelight". They may demonstrate anxious behaviour when faced with public shows of affection, or report that they do not believe that this sort of behaviour is "normal". They will be a perfectionist, setting impossibly high standards for themself, and living in constant fear of "letting someone down". They may describe themselves as "stupid" or "ugly" or "useless", and may, if asked, find it much easier to describe their negative, as opposed to positve, attributes (e.g. "I'm fat", but never "I'm clever"). They may be constantly attempting to ingratiate themselves; or could simply wish to "disappear into the background".
Try to encourage them to open up about family life. Try to gauge what they think is "normal". Do they feel it's acceptable for arguments to be public? Do they have a large vocabulary of curses and swear-words, which they report they learned off their parents? Do they rarely have friends round to tea, etc.? Would they describe themselves as in any way "ashamed" or "embarrased" by their family life? Do they report that they are a "carer" for a parent or relative; or do they state that they undertake an inordinately large number of the household chores?

In my experience, all of the above are clear signs that emotional abuse may be taking place within a family environment.
It is NOT acceptable to permit emotional abuse to continue, unchecked. After all, it is one of the cruellest, and most insidious, types of abuse that can occur. This is because it may take place as "stand-alone" abuse in its own right, or may accompany other forms. For this reason, I've compiled some simple, but effective, do's and dont's...

DO think and plan ahead before having a child. It's one of
the most significant decisions you'll ever make (not just
for yourself). Be prepared for what parenthood involves;
children are NOT idealised. They are REAL. The worst thing
a child could ever hear is "you weren't planned"; "you
were an accident"; "we regret having you". I should know!
You may as well be saying "I wish you were dead".

DON'T expect perfection from your child. Nobody is perfect.
You aren't. Your child isn't. End of subject!

DO be realistic. Your child WILL make mistakes. They may
fall over and skin their knees. They may drip ice-
cream down their best clothes. They may get dirty while
playing in the snow. They may knock ornaments over in
the house, and break them. KIDS DO THIS. It's a part of
growing up. Get over it! Children are NOT like the
squeaky-clean paragons of virtue seen in adverts!

DON'T bear grudges. It's cruel to keep reminding someone
of an error made. You would feel "nagged" if your
husband/wife/partner kept repeating that you'd
forgotten to put the bins out; or forgotten their
anniversary; or reminded you frequently that you got
embarrasingly drunk at Uncle Fred's Birthday party! You
can "nag" a child, too. Things only need saying ONCE.
ONCE ought to be enough!

DO reward and encourage invividuality. Your child is unique.
You should celebrate this.

DON'T ever shout and swear in front of your child, if you can
at all help it. Children, even very tiny infants, have a
vast memory, and a huge capacity for learning. Why teach
them the wrong things? It may come back to haunt you!

DO feel free to lavish hugs and kisses. Children need these
obvious signs of affection, in order to feel safe and
secure. They need to be able to recognise positive emotions
and their natural expression. Besides, a family devoid of
hugs, cuddles and kisses is truly a miserable family -
after all, research has proven that such open displays of
affection reduce stress.

DON'T encourage competitivity and comparison. Children are NOT
there for your entertainment, nor for you to live your
life vicariously through. If you force children to
compete for your affections, or show favouritism, you may
sow the seeds of resentment, and fuel longstanding family
feuds.

DO try to remain positive, and offer words of encouragement at
every opportunity. There is nothing sadder than a child who
is afraid to try something new, for fear of failure.

DON'T be tempted to become over-critical, to be dismissive,
patronising, or downright "bitchy". Your child will
remember these unkind remarks, and may take them to
heart. After all, you would not like to be called "fatty"
or "worthless", or a "waste of time". Nor would your
child.

DO attempt to give of your time, freely and willingly. A child
should not be made to feel like an intrusion, a nuisance,
or an inconvenience. Parenting is NOT all about your needs.

DON'T resort to threats, or to coercion and bribes in order to
maintain "discipline". Children are NOT stupid, and learn
both to be fearful, and manipulative of inconsistent
parents.

DO remember to let your child know how proud you are of them,
and that you genuinely care. No child ever comes with an
instruction manual, but take note, if all else fails,
hold onto the fact that you love that child, and they love
you!