Counselling update

by Hayley
(Birmingham, United Kingdom)

Some time ago, I posted about my rather unhelpful counsellor. I am still going there, but often times under duress. I still say that she is very much like predictive text, but at least she manages to get some things right.

Last session she got me to talk about one particular occasion when my brother abused me. He had been out drinking, leaving me on my own so I could do what I wanted and watch what I wanted on the telly. I was about 14 at the time, and with my parents out I felt safe. Not that my parents were the biggest problems in my life.

It was rather late when my brother got back, and I had decided to get into bed and go to sleep. He however had other ideas, he was obviously drunk and had probably been smoking, the latter of which caused endless rows in my family, and something that my brother had called me, a "fagger".

As I was putting on my pyjama bottoms, he pushed my bedroom door open and shook his head, telling me not to put them on. I just wanted to go to bed, and as it was cold being Christmas, I didn't plan on leaving my night wear off. At that point, despite my protests, he came into my room and started to undress, telling me to lie down on my bed. I was too shocked to resist, and knew it would be futile even if I tried. My brother lay down on top of me, he was by this time erect and ready to make me have sex with him, be it straight or oral. He couldn't penetrate me to my relief, so he tried to make me suck him. I wouldn't do that so he pleasured himself, then rubbed it all over me. Thankfully he let me go and rinse it off then made me wash the flannel out. I still wasn't allowed to put on my night wear. When I got back to my bedroom, he made me turn around so I had my back to him and he tried to penetrate me from behind. He seemed to be of the impression that he had succeeded, as he then went on to list all that he had done, like he was proud of his actions. Thankfully I was then allowed to put on my pyjamas and go to bed.

I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep, but I do know that I couldn't wait to get in the bath and have a good wash so that I would feel really clean.

I was a perennial bed wetter through a lot of this ordeal, and would not tell my parents. Partly because I knew that there would be hell to pay if my mum found out, and partly because I was too scared and didn't even respect myself. If I stank of pee then maybe he wouldn't want to be around me. It didn't deter him, he was determined to hurt me.

This was probably by far the worst incident, being forced to perform oral sex on him was bad enough, being forced to copulate him or keep my hand over his erection while he copulated himself, were bad enough, the verbal bullying was distressing to say the least, but that night between Christmas and new year was by far the worst episode.

I'll buzz off now, and give my sore head a rest. Of all the times to fall and bash my head, it had to be in warm ups for a hockey game! Keep your heads up guys, you are all so brave. Don't let the people that have hurt you so heinously beat you.