Child Abuser Story From Ivree B
by Ivree B
(Ohio, USA)
It all started when I was three. That's when all the lies, cheating, and abuse started. When I was three my Dad died from a sickness he got after the war, nobody knew what it was. He passed away at a party watching the movie Shrek.
I was a daddy's girl alright. When he died I was still little. But I was very smart. I remember going to his funeral, asking "Now what do we do, Mommy?".
Right when he died my Mother went ballistic. She set fire to his things so nobody could have them. She plunged right into relationship after another. Most were flings that only lasted about a week or two.
Cue S--. S-- was my Dad's arch enemy. S-- did drugs, got high every night. He got drunk a lot too. He had a son about my age (I was 4 and he was five at the time), his son was J--. They moved in together in some apartments. J--'s and my rooms were across the hall from each other. I remember S-- and my Mother screaming and fighting late at night about drugs. Sometimes I would get hit trying to see if my Mother was alright. I went out to get the mail one day (no one else would get it). So here I was a four year old doing the daily chores of a preteen. I noticed the mail had alot of papers with naked people on it. At the time I thought it was just something all adults had. I didn't know it was porn, I shrugged it off.
I have never wrote or told anyone about the first time I was sexually abused. It was broad daylight and J-- turned six the week before. He came into my room and locked the door. He said, "Ivree look at this. I'm gunna try it with you." He handed me the porn magizene and pointed to a picture.
I tried to get away to tell my mom, but he was bigger and stronger than me. He pushed me down on the bed and molested me. I remember that it hurt alot. There was some blood too. I can't remember if he raped me, I think I blocked it out. He told me if I told, my Mother wouldn't love me anymore. He told me I was a weakling. But it saddens me that I could not be a virgin and not know for certain if I am. My innocence is the only thing I have left at this point. This went on for about a year.
My mom broke up with S-- and I was free. My five year old self was so joyed. I remember dancing around the truck when we were about to leave.
I'll skip to when I was seven. I was in second grade and almost eight. My mom and I lived with my Dad's brother, R--. They both got high almost every night and spent all their money on drugs and beer. If it wasn't them being high every night, it was them having sex. I went into the kitchen to ask if I could go play outside. My Mother was washing dishes and said no, so I asked why not. She pulled out a kitchen knife to R--'s throat and said, "If you don't listen, this should scare you enough Brat!" That was the first time I got slapped, hard enough to bruise a little. I spent alot of time in my room from then.
I thought if I was smart she would love me. So in school despite their screaming match everynight and four hours of sleep, I never got anything lower then a B-. When I was eight, Mother and R-- decided to have a baby. Enter B---: my brother. My mom slept all day from hangovers. So I watched after B--- a lot: Cleaned him, fed him, played with him. I acted like the mother he should've had; not like an older sister. I never wanted my Brother to be treated like me. Never. I got slapped every time I did something wrong, sometimes hit with a belt on my bottom. But I still protected my brother, he was the only thing important to me at the time.
When I look at 8 year olds and kids now, I realize I never got to be a kid. I was always so smart, so cautious. I didn't have time to play except when I was dumped off at my Nana's or Aunt's over the weekend.
So I told Nana of my Mother's drugs and hitting. Children services was called more than once. When I was nine and about ten, I told them finally but never about the sexual abuse when I was little. No one still knows of that.
I was placed with my brother at my aunt's house permently when I was ten. When I was 11 years old I went to stay at my Nana's for a couple days because it was Summer Vacation from School. I was excited because I got bullied at school and called 'Emo', ugly, fugly, and 'Goth', people called me a Cutter when they saw some scars. I didn't even know what that meant. But I just focused on school.
Anyways, I had a nightmare so I climbed in bed with my Nana and her boyfriend of a couple years. Her boyfriend, S, was on the other side of her. She trusted him, so I did too. My Nana was my best friend, I didn't doubt her. I woke up in a jolt in the middle of the night. I was frozen in fear becase my pants were being pulled down, underwear too. I was afraid he would hurt Nana if I woke her up. Tears where running down my face as he touched me down there. I knew people wen't supposed to do that, nana told me she was almost raped when she was my age. She told me to tell if anyone does something to me.
It was almost as if he knew I was awake because he whispered, "This is good. Don't tell little girl. Your safe." That made me cry harder because I knew I wasn't safe. It was Hell. I waited untill he was done and was snoring until I quickly pulled my pants back up. I just lie there and pretended to be asleep when he got up for work.
Now that I look back I realize he was always looking at my chest. I didn't want it to happen again so I convinced Nana to put a lock on my guest bedroom. It worked untill a year later when it was Summer again. Me and my cousin K-- were both staying the night and she accidently broke the lock the next morning. I didn't tell her why I just sat there crying and staring at the lock for at least an hour. I had to stay the night without her once again because I had to get shots in the morning. So I stayed on the couch that night pinching myself everytime I nodded off.
It was about 1 in the morning that I fell asleep by accident. I woke up in the morning to him with his hand in my underwear. My Nana was making breakfast in the room right next to us. He didn't notice me awake so he continued touching me down there for about five minutes. Then he looked up and met my tear filled eyes. He jumped and went in the kitchen really fast. When he left I'd had enough. I cried for my Aunt to come get me at 6 in the morning. I told her it couldn't wait and I'd tell her at home.
I played it off to my Nana as afraid of the hospital today. I didn't want to break her heart. I was afraid she would leave me. Or tell him. I was afraid she wouldn't love me anymore. So I told my Aunt everything he did at home. She told my Nana and she kicked him out and he's back in New Mexico.
It's been a year now since then and I'm almost 13 years old. I get all A's in school, I've been depressed and it was is the only thing to take my mind off of it. But now it's Summer. I've tried suicide, but decided not to try again. I won't let him win. Never. I'm still afraid that he'll come back for revenge. I've tried counselling but no one understood. They tried to put me into a mental hospital. The reason is I'm nervous around men. They told me my nurse would probably be a male. I declined, it would make it worse. Don't they see that?
So now I'm thinking about what is in store for the future. I'm really wanting to be a counselor or Social Services person to help Children like me when I grow up.
Who knows, I'm almost 13 and I've already got some pretty big dreams. Just know when someday, if you or someone you know faces tragedy like I have: You are NOT alone. This happens to more people than it should. But we all know it shouldn't happen at all. No one should have to go through this! I hate my mom so much that she makes me want to puke. I often wonder if my dad didn't die, would this have happened? But I know for sure if this still did happen and he was alive; he would be kicking some a**. He was a black belt in karate. I miss him so much.
I still freak when I see a car like my Nana's EX-boyfriend's. I never feel safe, and spend most of the time in my room reading.
So it's my brother's 4th birthday today. And I'm just so happy I protected him. He's so carefree and innocent.
The one thing I most regret is not having a childhood. Everyone should have a childhood. I always felt like an adult. But, I've lived to tell this. And hopefully I'll live to help many other kids like me when I grow up.
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