Child Abuse: When Family Sides With Molester

by Tammy
(Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada)

A "Safe" Family: 
My story opens in the present-although that was not the "beginning". Recently my 14-year-old daughter disclosed her sexual abuse at the hands of my brother-in-law. My husband and I were very shocked and taken off guard when a social worker and police officer showed up at our home and told us she had disclosed at school, and our other 3 children were at that moment being interviewed at school by Social Services. I immediately broke down crying-feeling so betrayed by my brother-in-law and also a growing fear of what would happen next. Would my husband's family fall apart over this? Would they believe it? Would they place blame elsewhere? Is my daughter ok? Wasn't this supposed to be a safe family-(his parents have 3 biological as well as long-time foster parents, and adoptive parents of 8 children.) All these thoughts raced through my head as the police officer explained procedures of the investigation and asked me questions about my husband's family as well as our family. Later that night our daughter shared the entire story with me. My brother-in-law lived at his parents' farm and they had adopted children there-as well as foster. She had spent the night a few times to visit the kids, and he had manipulated her into having intercourse with him.

I was sad but I supported her as best I could-so did my husband. She also revealed my husband's adopted sister (age 14) was also being sexually abused by this person. The 2 girls had supported each other in this secret for a year.

We were asked by police not to call anyone in the family until the investigation was complete-and even then maybe keep distance. It wasn't long before the calls from different family members poured in-it was hard not to answer them and we answered one finally. His family was upset-all the children in the (in-laws) home had been taken into temporary custody of child protection and all foster children removed. They wanted answers and wanted them now. We couldn't oblige and the blaming began.

It's been 4 months since disclosure-the abuser has been charged and we are awaiting court dates-it's 7 more months away. In the meantime he is under conditional release and ordered to stay away from us, his mom's farm, and any children under 16, as well as alcohol and liquor-lisenced establishments. He was seen in a bar recently and we reported it-that is a breach and he is charged with that too. He denies it all and is still walking free until his breach hearing-3 months away. We will be subpoenaed to testify against him-identifying him on video.

At this time we as a family feel so betrayed-first by the abuser, then by his family,(they hired him a lawyer) and also by the drawn-out legal matters. He and his family refuse to acknowledge the abuse even happened. There have been a few calls from family members berating us for defying the "family" and shaming and guilting us for standing ground beside our daughter-as well as theirs. Their daughter remains in foster care as she was not supported by her family and feels pressure to recant. We support her fully and my mother-in-law even tried to stop all contact between us and her daughter. It didn't work. They are no longer fighting to get her home and she will become a permanent ward of Social Services because she won't recant. They want it to "go away".

All of this was very difficult for me at first-being a survivor of sexual abuse in my teens by numerous people. I feel like a failure even though it wasn't my fault.

My daughter and I continue to see a counsellor and she is so brave-but angry. Angry at her abuser, at the situation, the family and even herself. What she has told me is he made her believe they had a relationship and they are not "blood" related so it's not as bad.

Well he was 23 and she was 13-that's abuse. Illegal. Immoral. Inexcusable. More and more I educate myself on this subject and my anger comes forth all over again-for my abuse and hers. Even for the emotional torture his family has and continues to put us through. I know we need to deal and move on past it (at least past the family's unrealistic expectations to forgive and forget) but it's hard. The anger just keeps coming. I am afraid actually that one day it may spiral out of control if the justice system fails us. Or even if it doesn't-what happens next? Forgiveness doesn't seem like an option. I don't know how to move past the anger inside. I thought I brought my children into a "safe" family.

I welcome any help or comments. Thank you for reading my story. I hope it helps someone else.

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