Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From
by Beth
(USA)
dream beyond the horizon
My chains of abuse:
I believed for years all the horrible things my parents done was because I was a bad kid, each time my father sexually abused me he would say (THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO BAD LITTLE GIRLS). Those words echoed in my mind for many years, I believed I was a bad kid. I made the honor roll, was on the track team, volunteered at the nursing home. I would clean the house, cook and take care of the younger children. It's unimaginable the scars my parents left on my chest to carry for the rest of my life. I looked in my fathers eyes one night, I told him when I grow up I'm going to be everything you're not, he hit me in my face as i hit the ground, I believed every word. I lived in fear every day of childhood, i use to lay in the grass and watch the stars, I would pray God please take me out of here, set me free. I said that same prayer every night for 6 years. One night after my father abused me I waited for him to go to sleep, I took his gun out of the cabinet, I stood there holding it shaking, I stood there crying inside my soul for the little girl who he took her innocence's away, the little girl who he took her self-worth, dignity and pride away, replaced it with guilt, shame and fear. I couldn't kill my father, I knew if i did I would be just as guilty as he was for hurting someone else. That night I packed a back pack with 2 changes of clothes a jacket and headed for the truck stop 26 miles away, i took 20.00 dollars out of his safe, left a note i would repay it. I walked in the freezing cold for 5 hours and finally I made it. I spent the night in the cab of a truck, in the morning the trucker took me to San Diego, ca. I was barely 15 but i managed to get job and enrolled myself in school, i finished with honors. I went to college got me a degree in culinary arts. I worked in a kitchen for 6 years then I bought my own little place and I called the reason why....I held poetry reading and tea clubs, one day a lady walked in the door, for a small meal, we ended up talking 3 hours, she later became my therapist, my guardian angel. I slowly found healing for that soul that was broken, that little girl who only wanted to be loved, accepted, and protected was finally free of the chains that kept me tied to the belief I was a bad person. I adopted a little girl who I later would call Liberty. I had a dream as a little girl when I grew up I was going to buy a house, didn't matter what color, long as it was safe, this was my childhood dream to have a safe home, free of abuse. I showed Liberty everything my father did not,I taught her to be honest, caring and trustworthy. I stressed to her that she was never to hit anyone, she is now a mother herself, when I watch her hold her daughters hand and guide her the words I told my father echo in my mind. I don't ever want any child to feel what I felt for 37 years, those words were like a shadow by my side,my father is dead I never got to say good bye. when I ran away I never again looked back, wrote a letter, called or went to visit, the day I ran away was the day I began live free of abuse.I missed a family at times, it would of been nice to share my life with a sister, I KNEW WHEN I RAN away I could never turn back. That life of abuse is only a memory today, I now have a life. I became everything my father was not.
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