Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Steve D

by Steven
(Chicago, Illinois, USA)

One of my first memories as a child, from perhaps when I was 2 or 3, was of my mom gripping my face and then pushing me backwards to the floor on my highchair. As an adult I learned that my mother had been sexually abused by her older brother and physically abused by her mother and father. In the 1960's when I was growing up most people did not acknowledge or get treatment for their emotional issues. Unfortunately for me my mother focused much of her anger and rage at me throughout my childhood.

My parents were divorced when I was 4 and in another stroke of bad luck my step father was also abusive. Much of the violence and shame that they focused on me was because I had enuresis, I wet my bed. They beat me with belts and electrical extension cords to punish me for my condition, sometimes when I was naked laying on a rubber sheet. They called me names like "piss-pants" and paraded me for the neighbors in a diaper when I was 5 or 6. My mother once told me when I confronted her "I thought I could beat it out of you".

The violence was not limited to punishment for bed wetting. Other infractions like not helping with chores or throwing a paper airplane out my bedroom window (on fire into the snow) or complaining about having to move 5 times, including my sophomore in high school were met with vicious beatings. They would throw me to the ground and stand over me and kick me, pound my head into a wall, throw objects at me like dinner plates and punch me in the head with closed fists. Almost as bad as the violence itself was the constant threat of violence that was communicated in specific threats screamed at me.

Somehow I survived. To cope I masturbated. I masturbated starting at 4 or 5 years old in a desperate attempt to make myself feel good. In my mid 20's I discovered pornography. In the back of my mind I still had respect for myself and never engaged in dangerous or lewd activities, however I now realize that the porn was a way for me to keep shaming myself. I had picked up the belt and starting using it on myself, recreating the shame that belonged to my parents.

I am still recovering for the effects of child abuse at 49. Despite the severity of the abuse and the effects that it has had on me as an adult I am convinced that one day I will achieve a sustained period of calm, happiness and redemption. I believe that every person has a core, an inner self, that belongs only to them. No matter how severe the trauma the core survives, the person that you really are, stays intact. I have become aware of my core as separate from the feelings and memories of the abuse. It's not always there, but I have had fleeting glimpses of it. Sometimes only a moment, sometimes several hours and sometimes several days. This is what keeps me going. This is why I am convinced that I will be redeemed and live free of fear, able to love be loved. For anyone that is reading this please believe me when I say that you too have a core that was not touched by abuse. Remember that you are separate from the feelings that you have about your abuse. Never give up, even when every fiber of your body is telling you to do so. You are not your thoughts and you are not the pain that you suffered as a result of the abuse.

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Note from Darlene: During the week of February 15 - 21, 2010, I will not be able to comment on story submissions, as I will be attending a conference in Atlanta with only limited online access time.
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