Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Sam J
by Sam J
(Chicago, Illinois, USA. )
Dear Friends:
I was born and brought up in country other than US in average family. I was physically and verbally abused by my mother only. My father was very supportive but most of the time he was not at home. My mother had alcoholic father and I really don't know about any abuse in her family during her own childhood. I am 30 years old now. I came to US for higher studies when I was 25. Since childhood I was severally beaten, shouted at, angered at for even very small mistakes by my mother. Even if something goes wrong, no matter how small it is my mother would beat me up to hell. It would hurt me so much, I was may be 5 or 6 years old. I was full of anger that time. I was overly angry with my mother. I love my mother the most in this world. So this was big, big and big shock for me that she feels, thinks and behaves in such way that I have no worth or value. For small reasons she would use the words, "You are not going anywhere in your life, you will remain poor for rest of your life, you won't be successful, you will be begger all the time". I was very good student in my childhood. Everybody would astonish what would I become once I get older and mature. I still remember all teachers, friends,their parents and neighbours praising me. It felt so good from inside that I can't express. I was a wonder kid. But nobody knew what happened inside my house. My mom would treat me like a trash but sometimes she would love me like anything, would prepare delicious food for me, will tell me nice stories. But her daily abuse left many scars on me. I am the guy who says sorry at least 10 times to people. She made me believe that everything what happened in house was my fault and will have dramatic effect on my future. She would literally treat me like a trash and I wonder why is she even doing that. Outside my home, I was king and in home I was depressed man. I was thoroughly convinced by my mother that what is happening is for my own good and it is my fault that so many bad things happened with me. She would personally advice me it is not her but God is punishing to me by her. Then I got angry over God. I started praying God, what wrong did I do to you, why are you angry over 9 year old guy etc.
I could never concentrate, I had always low worth, low self esteem, sad feeling, unhappiness, racing thoughts, lot of sound in my head and my head aches 3 times in week. I have no job. I am living like a begger. I started therapy but I was convinced that I have no worth and my internal dialogue would say that I don't deserve anything. I did few sessions and something happened, my therapy stopped. I gathered courage after 3 months to go back to therapists. Each day is curse for me, every morning I think this is lousy day and same old bad things and expereinces will happen with me.
But after I read other people's experience, books by Louise Hay and other self help books, my attitude and thinking has changed. I have regained faith that my condition is curable. I have started all my exercies now and committed to change my thinking and my experiences. I am glad, happy, thankful and grateful to God that such things happened with me, now I know how much trouble kids or other people go though in childhood. Now I am determined than ever to make my life beautiful. Now I have decided if wrong thoughts, feelings and beliefs about me make my life hell, then I can make it very good by changing my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. I would never have thought about such things if I would not have been abused in childhood. Your website gave me courage to put my story. Thank you for that.
I hope everybody gets courage to face the truth.
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