Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Natalie

by Natalie
(Location Undisclosed)

I was only in preschool when the sexual abuse started to happen. My brother was seven years older then me and to any young child the older sibling is someone you are supposed to look up to. I can't recall very many details of my abuse because it occurred so long ago and ever since then I've been trying to forget it ever happened. He molested and raped me several times for a couple of years. I believe it stopped around the time I was in kindergarten but I'm not sure. I just know that it did stop, but don't know why. I remember enjoying the feeling of it and sometimes even willingly took the abuse. That part makes me extremely disgusted with my self and is one of the biggest challenges I have today with the whole thing. I know I was too young to realize what was happening but it is still a hard aspect to let go of.

I've only told two people in my whole life of the abuse, my ex boyfriend and my therapist who've I've recently started seeing. I've never told my parents although I have a feeling they knew about it. I have one memory of my mother walking in on the abuse and pulling me away to her room to yell at me. She said I must never be in his room without my underwear on. Wouldn't you think she was aware of the abuse just by that memory alone? But it appears as if she has no idea. My brother hasn't lived with us since I started High School and he isn't around very much but my family knows that I have a strong hatred towards him and refuse to be in the same room as him. They all think I have an irrational hate towards him and often see my demands of leaving as being immature. I'm afraid of what they would say or do if they found out. I'm not afraid of them being angry, in fact I want them to be. I'm afraid that they won't be angry. I'm afraid that everything about our lives that include him will stay the same but their actions towards me will change. I still have a few years left of college, which they are paying for, and I've decided, as hard as it will be to hold in my secret, not to tell them till I don't have to depend on them any more. I think it will be in my best benefit to be able to get away if things don't go well.

Since I've been seeing my therapist I've realize that talking about it is a beneficial form of healing for me. Writing this story is one way for me to do this. I hope that one day I can work with children who have been or are going through sexual abuse. Until my secret is out, I don't think I'll be able to get over it. Until I can get rid of this skeleton in my closet I don't think I'll be able to live a normal life. I've been looking online for websites like this and this is the only one that has been helpful so I thank you for this opportunity to let me get my story out. I hope someone will be able to relate like I've been able to with the others on this page.

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