Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Natalie

by Natalie
(Austin, Texas, USA)

Emotional scars from childhood abuse or trauma have a tendency to get bigger and change form as it follows us into adulthood. We drag it along because its part of us, handed to us when we were innocent kids, and don't know what else to do with it. Then as we begin our lives as adults, collecting new life experiences as they happen, we start to see our baggage in a different way. Having children can be a real eye opener as we see ourselves in our children. Looking at your 8 year old daughter, now the same age you were when sexual abuse started, it becomes heartbreaking to imagine that you were that young and innocent. It gets clearer in some ways and more confusing in others as you see JUST how wrong it all was, but then as you look at your child, you can't wrap your head around how someone could do what you suffered through, FOR YEARS, to a CHILD! You can't imagine your child going through what you did. And then it becomes a whole new ball game for you.

You start to realize that your perception of what happened has been through your eyes as a kid, and it all starts to look VERY different as you start to see through your adult eyes and you get to live it all over as you try to understand it in this new light, as an adult.

It's not over because you grew up, like you thought, but rather just the beginning of a new chapter in the book you wanted to burn and forget. And it brings a new set of emotions that will burn a hole in your soul, if you let it.
And here's what I know from my experience: Shoving this deep down inside yourself is like having cancer and ignoring it. It won't go away, it will get bigger, and it will eat you up IF you don't face it.

If you're like me, you'll come across this idea of facing your past about a zillion times, and will ignore it, until you can't.

Everybody's story is different and unique. So many other factors can have a part in addition to abuse that makes a "tried and true" method, or a "how to get over your past 10 easy steps" guide impossible. No one can have all the answers but a bunch of victims sharing their stories can hold some answers for some, or a path, or validation, or some value to someone. Some stuff will stick with you, some won't, some stuff may not make sense or interest you until a later time.

There's so much out there to learn from BUT, it won't mean a thing to you until you are ready for it to. You will carry your pain until you can't.

Here is how I was able to finally lasso my past, quiet my heart, find my self: move on already.
I had to first change the way I was thinking.
Stop it with being stubborn and stronger than this, it's not about that. Stop focusing on what happened, and take a hard look at what I've done to myself. I needed to see the anger, fear, etc, and how I let it in and let it effect my life.

I kept hearing about forgiveness, that I needed to forgive in order to heal. What? I knew what forgiveness was, from a day to day life standpoint, but to forgive my abuser to me was like letting him off the hook. Doing him a favor, How could I forgive when I wanted him to suffer, die, get cancer, be alone, feel some sort of mental agony. RAGE! Rage and forgiveness don't mix, I had to stop being so angry to even START to entertain the idea of forgiveness.

When I was 40, something happened that caused me to force myself to come forward with my dirty turd secret. My abuser (father by adoption) had volunteered, and was given, a position in the Catholic church as CCE teacher for a class of 8 year old little girls, no boys, just girls the exact age I was when he started with me, and continued for the next 10 years.

Coming forward about what happened to me in order to protect them was 22 years after I moved away, and something I HAD to do. A lot of stuff happened during those 22 year, and I changed, A LOT, like I grew some huavos, and I couldn't have done it at another time in my life. That's a long story, but to make this short, he was fired from All catholic responsibilities, there was a grand jury hearing to see if there was any evidence of abuse to the CCE girls, but no indictment, I consider that good, in hopes he hadn't hurt one of them. He gathered my mother,(who I suspect has known all along) brother, sister, and their spouses to tell what he did to me, (addressing the big elephant lurking, I guess) He told some lies about what actually happened so it didn't seem so bad, like i was a teenager, i came onto him, that kind of thing. Then no one was to say a word about it once their meeting was over, sweep it back under the rug. Hurtful stuff, insult to injury, and it stirred up a huge nest of anger for me. The church did their part quietly, no one knew what went on, just that he had to step down. Due to all the other legal stuff the Catholics had been addressing in the press in regards to sexual abuse, they weren't making any allegations without a formal charge. So that was hushed.

I was pissed, I felt disregarded, violated again. I thought his day had come, the secret would be out. Everyone would know what he is, i would have my day of redemption and be set free. Nope. (note: you can't find peace from the outside) Didn't go down that way, but it did allow me to bring it out of the dark, talk about it, and it wasn't scary, as a matter of fact I was furious, in a whole new way. It sparked the beginning for me to face it, in an unexpected way, but I felt ready.

I wrote and wrote about it in a journal, got it all out, but something still wasn't right. My words were fierce and raw. I wrote about what he did, I called him all kinds of names to belittle him so I could rise above him. He was an ignorant simple minded small town nobody that wreaked havoc with disregard and hid behind the church! A pathetic excuse of a man and waste of human flesh. I wrote horrible scenarios as to what I thought should happen to him. What the Devil should do with him. I felt better after writing all that I was feeling, it felt like it was out if me now. But the anger was still there, and it was bigger than it had ever been! And forgiveness was no where around. AT ALL! So I spent the next year spinning in circles with this. It was like a hot potato in my hands and I kept tossing it around, waiting for it to stop burning me.

Fast forward to a year or so later, i downloaded this book onto my iPhone called The Four Agreements. There were ideas and stuff I read before over time that I disregarded, but now, I related to it, it allowed me to change how I think. I realized that forgiveness was for ME, not them or it. Forgiving him and having mercy, with the hopes he will one day see the destruction he causes and change, for his sake and others in the name of happiness and peace. Because I thought, how can he possibly be truly happy? He probably never will be and I think that's sad. Because that's what we all search for, at the end of the day, we just want to be happy. Right?

I realized all this time I've been blaming him, the situation for my woes, when actually I LET my anger and fear control me because it came with my baggage that I've been dragging around. And that baggage is old emotional garbage and poison that belonged to them, that I took when they gave it, what I didn't realize was I didn't have to keep it, I didn't have to hang on to their emotional garbage and let it poison me year after year. And it served no purpose any longer. I had to let it go, and I was beginning to see how. And it has been a great freeing experience for me. Letting go is like jumping into freezing cold water on a hot Texas summer day. You know it's going to be painful at first, but when your body and mind get used to the feeling, its like, "aahhhh," and you know, once you reach a certain point, there's no going back, you faced your fear, and it no longer has control, it can no longer hurt you.

We hear this kind of thing all the time, "face your fear, forgiveness is the answer, change your mind change your life," etc, inspirational little nuggets of wisdom are all over the place, we even use them as screen savers as reminders. But it's always easier said than done. It's seeing that the grass is greener on the other side, you wanna go, you just don't know how to get there, it's scary, And it's frustrating until you stop looking at your screen saver, or fortune cookie paper in your wallet to remind you what to be inspired about, or stop looking for an apology, or to get even, or someone else to give you peace, those things won't get you to your personal happiness, peace, or whatever you call it until you look at yourself, your actions, your words, and stop blaming other people or situations. Then learn to forgive yourself so you can forgive others, and peace will follow.

---

Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

I hope you'll follow me on:


Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.