Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery from Name Undisclosed4

by Name Undisclosed
( Location Undisclosed)

Sexually abused at 14 years old; still on the path of healing: 
I guess this approach is one of the many steps I have taken to help me heal eventually from the scar of sexual abuse has caused me. Third youngest from family of nine. Parents broke up and both abandoned us. Living with relatives from the age of three.

I was 14, when I was living with my oldest sister to help her managing her four children in exchange for my education while she and her husband go to work.

That night feeling so tired. I slept straight away until... I felt I sharp pain in my vagina. "Ouch"! I screamed! The room was so dark, I got up and saw a man's shadow walking hurriedly towards my sister's bedroom. The door shut. I felt my vagina and felt a very slippery some kind of gel. Suddenly, the smell seem familiar, oh! yuk! A hair gel used by men in the 70's for their hair. I know there is only one person using it in the house, my brother-in-law. (Animal) thought to myself, went to the bathroom and instigated further. So wet and sore, disgusted, I wipe it off and wash myself. Went back to bed and didn't know what to do. I couldn't sleep anymore, I stayed up for the rest of the night.

The next day, I felt really awkward, I couldn't bear to even look at him! I feel like confronting him in front of my sister but, the fear took over my courage to do so, fear of what will happen if I told. (No. I couldn't) Both my sister and her husband left for work that morning, I went and see the lady next door who just had a baby. I mentioned to her what happened and asked what should I do. She warned me not to tell my sister as a few similar events happened in the past did not turn out nice. "Your sister kicked the house maid out of the house." She suggested for me to get out of the house as soon as possible.

I couldn't tell my sister for lots of reason. She doesn't treat me like a real sister the fact that we only share biological mother, she does not want anyone to know about it. She warned me not to tell anyone that we are sisters because according to her, we look different and people can tell. She's worried about what they might say. And told me over and over again her husband's family are well known in town and that she does not want to tarnished their reputation. For weeks, I could not sleep, I find hard swallowing food. My sister had noticed, "why are not eating?" I just answered "I'm not hungry." She slapped me on the face. Do you think I'm stupid? she asked; and banged my head against the dining room wall and kept asking why I am being so stubborn. A few days past, she asked me again, if there is something I want to say. Not in a tone of helping me but interrogating why I refused to eat with them. I realize then, either I tell the truth and be punished or make an excuse. So, I decided to tell her, "I want to go home", then she replied; what home you haven't got a home! you are all abandoned by your parents. Meaning our parents! (Sobbed) I insisted, I still want to go home. Finally a week after, fearing, I might starve myself to death she agreed to send me home. Pretty much after I left, I had my menstruation! Oh! my god, I am not pregnant! (thought to myself) Back then I never knew that you can't be pregnant unless you already menstruating at the time of sexual abused. I don't even know whether he succeeded or not.

Month's past after I left, I continously feeling the itch in my vagina. I could not tell anyone, I worry about what my relatives would say. Base on what I have read about sexually transmitted deseases, I was worried, I had the desease! I wrote to my other sister, asking for her help. She wrote back so upset why I didn't tell anyone. My auntie found out and took me to a doctor. The doctor said, I'm puzzeled, how could you contracted a venerial desease with your hymen still intact? I asked, what does it mean? Doctor explain you're still a virgin. Most of my relatives were so critical about my situation and would not believe what really happened. I thought to myself, I knew I should not have told anyone. From then on, I never mentioned anything to anyone about it. The itchyness did not go away. I knew then, I was not healed.

Finally, my other sister asked me to live with them. I was relieved, now I can have a proper treatment. Then, I met my husband, after ten years of marriage, my husband already knew my history of sexual abuse and living with the desease. A break out appeared for the first time in our ten years of marriage. My husband and I went to see our doctor, after the test result, the doctor called us and told us about the venerial desease and was ready to counsel us, but we both told the doctor we, knew. The doctor was so relieved and said, "I was not sure how you both react being told about 'Genital Herpes'." I asked; why is it coming back? I thought it will not come back. Doctor explained, you will always carry this desease and tendency, you could pass it to your sexual partner. But, the good news is, it can be controlled. So now, everytime I have break out of the desease, I always remember the reason why I had it in the first place. My husband is so understanding and even trying to make me understand to try not to worry. For years, I always wanted to confront my sister's husband in front of my sister, but I couldn't. I thought, the best way for me to heal is to help prevent other children from sexual abuse by educating them. And hoping to help children who are victims of sexual abused.

Believe me, oh, how I hated my life then. So many bad thoughts came to mind but I never acted on it. My will to survive to tell the story continues and hope to live longer to tell my story for as long as I have to. Because, sexual abuse on children is not normal. Children are innocent and needs our guidance and protection.

Still on the path of healing, and manage to live with the bad memories for 34 years.

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