Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery from Name Undisclosed3

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

Proof That You Can Live Again: 
I feel strange writing this down in black and white but I know now how I feel a very distant feeling not so long ago. When I was 4 years old I lived in New Zealand with my family. Little did we know that when we moved into a new house with lovely neighbours my worst nightmares would become reality.

As many people have, my mind has blocked a lot of the abuse so it is hard for me to remember when it first started. I used to go over to the next door neighbour's to play with the children who were all older than me but they were like big sisters. It all started when I would knock on the door to go round and play and the girls weren't there. Their brother would invite me in and say I could wait for them. That's all I remember about the start.

Like most abused children, I didn't know what was happening was wrong. I still remember feeling as if I had a big secret and the weight of the world on my shoulders at the age of 4.

I ended up becoming very attached to my mother and not wanting to leave her side, crying all the time and my behaviour was recognised by my kindergarten so I have a lot to thank them for.

Growing up I have always felt like I had a dirty secret that I shouldn't talk about. My mum and dad are very open people but it was the unspoken truth that never got talked about. It wasn't until I was in my early teens that I started to feel different from everyone else.

I started what I now know were common OCD behaviours as my mechanism to cope. I feared not only for my own safety but also my brother and sister's and become obsessively over protective of them both. I kept this well hidden as I had the pain for so many years. One thing I have learnt from this is that you learn to become a good liar when you go through something as hurtful as this, but the main person you're lying to is yourself. At the end of the day you're the only person who can let people know how you're feeling and take those steps towards recovery and finding your voice again.

I spent years unwell, self-harming for hatred of myself...and 3 overdose attempts...until I finally got the help I needed.

Therapy is one of the most painful things I have been through in my life, but the most rewarding by far. Whilst going through therapy, I discovered that I had blocked out so much more than I could even imagine. I found that I had not only been abused by my next door neighbour, but also by my grandparents' adoptive son. Some may say that they would rather not have uncovered something that they didn't even know had happened but I know deep inside me somewhere that was eating away at me, and if I hadn't ever found out then it would have eaten my soul away and I would have had no idea why it was happening. I feel that at least now I knew I could come to terms with both cases and move on with my life.

I'd recommend CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to anyone. It has freed me from my trap of a mind and helped me realise it was not my fault. The only person that was stopping me and holding me back was myself, my thoughts, my concepts. I can't change what happened to me so I have learned to change the way I think about it instead.

I'm now in recovery and I don't think I will ever forget, but to be honest, this is who I am and there is nothing I can do to change it so the best revenge in my eyes is to get on with my life and show my abusers that what they did doesn't matter to me and they have no hold over me anymore. I am my own person and nothing can change that.

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