Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Name Undisclosed1
by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)
A friend of mine showed me this site and encouraged me to submit my story as well. I may be apprehensive but hopefully it, like hers, will help others as well....I wonder why my mind is as twisted as it is, and this is why.
When I was a baby I was molested by a man that should have been the one to lead me through life and teach me how to live within society's standard, but instead of being the "model father" or the "good father" he decided to be the father that wanted a new world to rise, that wanted a new generation to take over. A generation that didn't mind rape and incest, a generation that didn't mind running from the law and being kept from the world. A generation of nothing but shadows that would steal, rape, kill, and have sex with family members and those around them.
He started to brainwash us from day one. From the moment we got home from the hospital he started to shape our minds and twist our morals. My half sister was first. She was born sometime around 1981, then came my half brother in 1983, my full brother in 1985, my second half brother in 1985, then was my half sister in 1987, full sister in 1988, half sister in 1990, me in 1991, and last but not least my final half sister in 1993. All of us were subjected to his abuse.
This "father" of mine had a wife and two mistresses, and all of us were kept from the world in what he called a "Christian Household", forced to study the bible before he took our innocence little by little. He was twisted, and dark-hearted; abusive to "his" women and sexually desiring all of his children. He molested us every night, and when my eldest sister was 12, he took her innocence completely; he raped her. He was trying to get another mistress by using his own daughter! After that my sister didn't think it was right; he hadn't succeeded in brainwashing her completely.
The women took their cues from her...she, her two brothers and our "father's" wife stayed at the house, while his two mistresses and their kids split. They pressed charges and we hid. My mom brought me back here where her parents lived and she grew up. We were free of him.
Soon after we left he went to court, and got convicted for assault on a minor. I thought we were free, I thought I was free, but I wasn't free. I was still living with an almost exact replica of my "father", but not near as bad...he was my older brother.
When I was six my brother repeated what my father had done...I was in the bath and he had asked my permission to "see" my crotch, and then he asked if he could "touch" it. He also asked if I wanted to see his. I said yes all three times because ever since I was in kindergarten I had always been curious about sex. I wondered what it would feel like. I wondered how my body would react. He took advantage of those thoughts and asked if he could touch me. He had dropped his pants, revealing himself. At first I was scared that he was going to do it with that and I said you can touch me but "don't do it with that". I was lucky. He agreed and he used his finger on me...it hurt, so I told him to stop he said it would feel better in a minute and he told me to wait, so I did. It didn't change, so I told him it hurt again and to stop, he said hang on and I almost yelled for him stop again. He finally did, pulled his pants back up, and left telling me, "Shhhh, this is our little secret. Don't tell Mom." I said alright, but then I got sick. I felt like the most disgusting thing on the face of the earth. I thought it was my fault for him doing it...I gave him permission, I said it was okay, were the thoughts going through my head.
When I finished my bath the only thing I could think to do in order to keep myself from throwing up was tell Mom, so I did. We were both sent to group counseling and taught what was right and what wasn't. It helped me a bit, but his mind was still twisted.
During Christmas of this year it almost happened again, but I stopped it by telling him not to and he obeyed. To everyone who thinks their mind has been twisted so much and you know it's wrong but you can't stop it, you're not alone. My mind has been twisted very badly because of those two men, but I do still know what's right and what's wrong. Don't feel like you're a disgrace or you're a monster, keep hope and never EVER think that what happened to you was your fault. It never is, unless you're doing it to someone else. Keep faith and keep hope. Never think that you brought it on yourself. As for the twisted mind with the twisted urges...as long as you don't act on them, and don't traumatize another person for your own pleasure you'll be fine...getting some professional help could help too. That's helping me, so maybe it could help you too. I think like my "father" but my heart is safe, and my heart will never allow me to hurt another the way he did me. Keep faith, and keep hope, you'll be fine in the end.
As for me, I'm 17, a lesbian, and most of my best friends are men. Even though I may not be physically attracted to their gender, I'm attracted to them emotionally. I'm doing much better now and my brother's getting better too, so eventually I'll be over all the trauma. I have three people to thank for that: my 8th grade language arts teacher (RIP), my creative writing teacher, and my school counselor. Thanks to these people, I'm finally able to cope with what happened and lend an ear to others like me and help them as well.
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