Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Monisha
by Monisha
(India)
I was alone, I was sad but I also had a hope which dragged me here to light:
I know everyone here has the same wounds that I had. When I was a child (8 years) my mom worked late. My brother had his own set of routines and I was left alone with my neighbour. He was very nice to me. He was next to my brother. We played and sang together along with my brother. I don't remember much about how it all started but all I remember were those painful memories. Then I had same problems like every other child. I dint have anyone to tell. No one ever asked me or no one ever knew what I was going through. May be I was a great actor. I dint have any of those signs that other children possessed. I was normal through the day like every other normal child or at least acted like that. I really have no idea what gave me so much strength at that age to face such circumstances. I was myself when it was night. I cried and suffered at night. Fought a war to hide it all through the morning. It was more like watching life through window.
My neighbour left but his wounds haunted me. Day and night. I emerged into a person with two personalities, one that suffered, one that acted. After about few years it became a routine for me. I dint know how to express. I dint shout when I had stomach ache or any other pain. It was all silent, my screams were all silent. Only I knew what was going through me.
In few days I came to a state where I couldn't explain myself. I dint have a self of my own. I always acted like what everyone wanted me to be. I still remember the silent pain I went through when my friends told me that I am very dynamic and strong. I laughed bitterly at my own lost self. I wanted to commit suicide. Ironically there was another blow. My friend committed suicide and she passed away the week before I was planning. But I was still persistent on destroying myself. I stood on my school building for about an hour. My friend committed suicide and I dint know the reason. "Everyone is fighting the same battle that I am fighting". Something stopped me from jumping and I came back home. I cried all night. I decided that day that I want to be happy.
I thought the only way to be happy was by killing the person who started everything. I still find it bitterly foolish for having such a childish thought. I then realised that the more importance I am giving him the more he is winning. So I decided to change my life in my own way and live for myself.
The path was not easy at all. First I wanted to tell someone but no one were around. I dint lose hope because "I want to be happy". This was the only thing that went on in my mind. I went to a church and confessed. It wasn't enough. I had so much I dint know where to start. So it was in bits that I wrote it. First I started to replay all my forgotten memories. It wasn't easy at all. I thought I would fail and never get up. But still I had to do it. I don't want to be a child trapped in childhood and suffocating. I wanted fresh air and wanted to see the world God made for me.
The path was hard. I read a lot of self help books, danced and did yoga. I dint believe initially that they would change me. They gave me a lot of support. It was like seeing the outside world and opening windows. The self help books I read were:
- Monk who sold his ferrari
- books by osho
- books related to meditation and Buddhism
I started writing down and telling myself everything. Well telling myself was a problem, cuz I had to do it without my mom's notice. So I acted as if I was speaking on phone with someone. This way no one disturbed me and I had time with myself.
I wrote down or told myself all the happy memories that I could remember from my past. Then I prepared myself so much and started with my memories that involved abusal. Even typing them makes me shake about how I faced them. It was as worse as facing them when I was a child. But I had to do it. I have been escaping from those memories since childhood. But now I am ready to face them. I had dark days I never had before. I started remembering all my bad memories which I never knew existed. I do admit that thought of suicide came to my mind. But I am no more that weak child. I told myself that I was strong and so god is giving these obstacles and one thing that made me survive was "hope to be happy". The determination to regain the lost happiness.
I had all my bad memories in front of me. All of them I had only two chances to face them or run away. If I face them I can start moving on in my life. I faced them for few months. I hugged my legs or my pillow or shouted at my dolls and cried. It's not easy to film abusal memories on my mind. It was suffocating. I wrote rewrote everything. Tore them, burnt them. I also found myself. I was lost somewhere back in those memories. I was still a child crying not really knowing the reason why. I found myself and stopped acting for others. If I am sad, yes I am "you got a problem with that". One of my best friends helped me while others spoiled it.
One thing that I dint allow to get into my mind was what everyone were thinking of me. I wanted to be me and feel free. I switched off cell phone avoided everyone. I wanted a room to breathe and that's what I found while replaying all bad memories. In that process I found myself.
I still don't say that I am healed totally. But the only proof that I am writing all this as if nothing happened, not even a single tear drop not coming from my eyes and me writing as though it's someone's story is a proof of my rebirth.
I now have my form of expression, my mood which I understand, myself which I can firmly state and life ahead which I want to live. I feel so proud now when my friends tell me I am dynamic and all. I came from a state of dark depression to a state of hope and optimism. I am still not able to forgive the person who took away my childhood from me. I donno what will I do if I see him. I won't probably kill him hehe but I will grit my teeth, shake hand, come home and cry. It still takes time for wounds to heal and leave scars. I now have a life, family I love, and a goal. If I am not happy now I will be happy.
I am now determined to help anyone who needs help. Trust me I know how it feels. I am a pro at this. I've seen this for more than 18 years. If you need to talk, need an advice, need help about what books to read please I will be so happy to help. Write to me here on this site....
Thank you for reading this....
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