Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Matthew
by Matthew
(Chicago, USA)
I must first state that I really do not believe "healing" has an end point. I have grown and keep growing.
My mother was/is schizophrenic my father was/is an alcoholic. They constantly abused one another in fights that were difficult to comprehend. I had many brothers and sisters and we emulated our parents' behavior and fought each other. We grew up in neglect where basic needs like proper clothing or being taught basic self care was not addressed. I remember loving moments from both my mother and father but I also remember incomprehensible violence. My brothers and sisters basically raised each other and did the best we could.
My parents divorced when I was 9. My mother was hospitalized by the time I was 11 and was in a mental health institution and various halfway houses. When my father had custody the abuse he usually sent toward my mother went towards my brothers and sisters and me. Mostly verbal abuse, continual sabotage of achievements, unreasonable demands to wake up in the middle of a school night to serve him dinner, and some physical abuse. And a lot of neglect. If we needed something other than food or shelter we would have to buy it ourselves with little resources. And anything that revealed the neglect, ratty shoes or clothing, were addressed with more abuse. In other words we were abused anytime my father saw his own neglect.
Many of my family members still suffer from the effects of these patterns. Some are now caring for my father, still neglecting themselves, and my father who now needs more and more assistance.
I left my home when 17. By then I was being abused on a daily basis both physically and through the worst rageful curse words imaginable. I lived with a friend's family and then a pastor's family. I was able somehow to repress the abuse enough to move on and apply for school and receive a scholarship.
When I moved to Chicago I lived in poverty, and could barely keep up with the demands of school and work. I felt the trauma occasionally but really just repressed it and pushed it aside. Dealing with the trauma was a threat because I felt I would go homeless if I did.
I saw psychologist and psychiatrist seeking help but this did little, they were not very good. But then when I was 27 the anxiety, the grief, the rage, began coming to the surface. I then looked harder for the right therapist. I began to have seizures, chronic depression, manic like symptoms.
This is part is very important: I told the therapist that I was really afraid of going homeless if I addressed the trauma issues. I requested that he sign papers to receive Social Security disability while addressing these issues. He agreed and the application was accepted. Finally my recovery can begin.
This is very important! If you are chronically depressed, have PTSD symptoms, chronic anxiety to the point that disrupts your ability to work you are entitled to receiving assistance for a disability. Please do not neglect yourself the way your parents have neglected you. Do not deny yourself this important step in your healing. If you need it, apply for it, and keep it private. Do not reveal to others who might shame you for it because you are receiving this.
ONCE I had this support I was able to go through the really hard work of therapy. I kept a journal and sketchbook the entire time. And required myself to draw and write out my trauma, my rage, my grief, my fears. I wrote out the terrible memories I did not want to remember. I wrote my dreams, and I drew and drew. Drawing and Writing was a way I could become more and more aware of what happened to me.
The biggest step was re-parenting. Giving myself the things my parents could not give me for one reason or another. Weather stroking my own shoulder while crying myself to sleep, or buying good (used) clothing. Where ever I could recognize a neglect or an abuse it was my job to reverse it. To give myself what I did not receive. Even going over the points of my life and congratulating myself for my accomplishments. Including the accomplishment of surviving!
The loss of my mother to schizophrenia was a huge emotional hurdle to recognize the deep pain of it. And then also to find the missing mother in myself. Then to encounter the rage and abuse my father inflicted. This was another hurdle because when I remember that abuse I would become so enraged it was difficult to even think clearly and then such deep grief.
But eventually I was able to forgive my father and mother. And this is important to, but do not forgive them too soon. Do not pretend to forgive when you are still outraged. Forgiveness will come. It comes when you begin to recognize that they were themselves victims of their own abuse, or perhaps have been abused, or simply have an illness like alcoholism or schizophrenia. Forgiveness comes when you grow past them. And let go of hate and rage, abuse and self abuse.
When I got to that point it truly was a deep spiritual revelation. An illumination which is difficult to describe. But then from there was the need for a return to the world again. And I did return one step at a time. I finished my degree, Got another degree. I now work independently. I have a loving relationship. I live in a nice apartment. And I am not overwhelmed with trauma. I can work, play, and love.
Please know that you can recover from abuse and trauma. Do not doubt it. NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW! Not your therapist, not a guru, or yogi, NO ONE but you. And that is the hard part. But believe me you can do it.
I would add much much more. But for here in this place I just want you to know that it is probably the hardest work you will ever do but do not avoid the work. And do not allow other people to shame you because you are doing this work. Keep it secret if you must, find the safe places to bring it: 12 step groups, therapy, group therapy, and a therapist. But in the end it is something you will find in yourself.
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