Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From L.L.S.

by Linda
(Buffalo, New York, USA)

My mother died when I was 35. I was very careful never to leave my daughter alone with her for 1 minute. Ever. The buck stops here. My one sister is just like my mom and has 6 miserable, violent, hurtful, screaming kids. The apple didn't fall far from the tree in her case. She's weak. I don't ever go over there. It's been a year and a half.

I am not psychotic because I mentally and emotionally removed myself from the family when I was around 7. My coping mechanism was fantasizing about the family I did want. It kept me feeling loved and distanced from the reality that was. I developed negative coping, though too. I started self-destructing at age 7, I think, pulling my hair out and banging my head. ALL THIS I HID FROM MY FAMILY.

I was in mandatory counseling from age 12 to 18 in school. It made a major difference in my outcome. Especially telling about what happened. I was a brick wall prior to that. I was removed from my mother's home due to abuse when neighbors broke in and found me bound. (I think I was 12.) It's a good thing. I only spent summers with her after that. While I was away, she was nice as pie on the phone. Other than that, she had no contact with me. I received counseling and tried to make friends, which by then was very difficult. I felt socially illiterate.

I'm 40 now. A few weeks ago, with the help of a friend, I forgave my father. I blamed him for a lot. He died of cancer when I was 12. That left me completely alone with my mother. She had free reign where as before if he caught her, he'd step in. I hated him for smoking and dying, as if he did it to leave this world, thus leaving me. Now I know he didn't do all this intentionally, and that hating him is pointless. You know, I forgave my mom easily because she was mentally ill. I feel like she couldn't help herself. I guess. I wonder if God will condemn her for what she did to us. I hope not. My sisters say she could have sought help. My dad tried to have her committed before I was born in the 50's; at least that's what I heard. But he needed family signatures or something? and he didn't have other adults to help him, or some such junk. I think is all excuses. Who will ever know the truth?

At the age of 15 I lived in a great foster home for a year, which saved me. Too bad it was only for a year. I lived with brothers and sisters during the school year. Out of the pan and into the fire. My brother beat me and scared me; my sister's husband molested me.

I'm very successful as a mom. My daughter is 10 and safe. She's a little shy, but she's a gifted student and gymnast. She has a great sense of humor. I don't emotionally abuse her. I occasionally spank her, but I always am careful that I do it with care.

Many people say, "How did you come out so normal?" It's not to say I am normal. Of course I still feel alone and childish and regress and all of that. These people don't know that about me. But it was an inner drive and determination that I had that the others didn't. I was not like my family. I am a sensitive artist and I have vision they all lacked. I used to look at them and listen in my own silent world wondering, "What in the heck are these people DOING?" Kinda funny now.

I love teaching, because I can look out for other little one's who might be living what I lived. I can spot them. I love art, and kids are so much more fun than adults. :)

My big problem functioning as an adult is with intimacy, trust (somewhat) and depression. I am on medication and am seeing a new therapist for it for the first time since college. Dread. It's only as good as the bond and professionalism of the counselor. I hope it's a fit.

I am in an unhappy marriage, and I am finally leaving after 20 years. He's controlling, belittling and there's nothing I do that is good enough. He's gotten worse over the years. My daughter is starting to be affected, so I'm gone.

Anyhow, Darlene, I thought you'd be interested to know the ways I coped. I also escaped through art. Thanks for the feedback on my child abuse story. This is really neat. I can tell people my stuff so they know they aren't alone, and then get feedback. Thanks for this.

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