Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Gwendolyn

by Gwendolyn
(South Australia)

my mum didn't want a 2nd girl. she had post natal depression and it wasn't well understood back along. she married my dad for the wrong reason; money, security and to get away from her abusive dad. she manipulated my dad with sex.dad always said she loved me as a baby but i don't remember that. dad did all the childcare for me, and i stayed out of her way as much as i could. she just scolded bashed and hurt me. i always just tried to survive,thinking when i am 16 then i won't have to live with her any more.i did badly at school, never dared to tell my mum anything because she would use it against me. recovery has been about learning to be me, to state my case and not be afraid to do that.nobody deserves to be bullied like that.
i now understand she was jealous of me, esp as i grew into an attractive teen. i was my dad's kid and she was removed from us. i could not understand why she didn't just leave me alone if she didn't like me. i did not much like my sister then but we didn't fight. we just stayed remote. now i see that she had spiteful jealousy and saw me as taking her man. but it was her own behaviour that was the problem i was only a child. i have cried so much for that, but now, i am all cried out and it is ok. just sad.
when i was 16 my dad divorced her for cruelty. he had a huge ledger of all the incidents sinse i was a baby. it was horiffic.the abuse got so bad i went to live with a friend during the divorce. she always blamed me till she died 20 years later. my dad divorced her to free me from her abuse and it was MY fault.he remarried a lovely woman. she talked to me and was understanding and supportive and the healing began. i trusted her and loved her and i still do. she is old and forgetful now but i am so grateful.
i visited my mother christmas and birthday. i always went with my sister and niece and if i went alone she abused me. smoked lots of dope and it was torture to see her. i am not sure if i did the right thing but i wanted to be a good example to my niece. i had bad insomnia whenever i saw her. it ruined christmas for me. when she died and i saw her dead body i thought ' good, now you can't hurt me any more'. but she does. i still feel the hurt of it. she had no remorse, never showed any pity or regret.i remember wishing for that as i watched her die in hospital. my disgust when she asked me to massage her legs, i could not bear to touch her, it made my flesh crawl. she was in pain and all i did was get pillows and prop her legs in different positions. she only ever touched me to hurt me and i never, ever wanted to touch her. it is so sad.

later, i had an abusive marriage. my husband was mean with money, cheated and was always attacking me, often over nothing. that's the same as my mum. i divorced him for cruelty (relabelled 'unreasonable behaviour' by then).i had a nervous breakdown returned to an ex i didn't love, had a miscarriege and then went to live with my dad and stepmum. she put me together again and encouraged me to talk about it. i asked my dad why he did not protect me, why he didn't send me to boarding school. i wanted that.he said he tried, he asked mum over and over to be nice to us.i realise that he needed me,i was his little buddy and companion and made it bearable for him. i love my stepmother so much for making that possible, for making him listen and answer and go to that difficult place and not hurt me more with his silence.parents do have to answer. no excuses.
now i am ok with it. i still cry about it and that is ok too. i help others who have experienced abuse just by listening and understanding. i spent so long lost confused and hurt. i was like a leaf in the wind, blown about by powerful forces i could not control. but now i am a strong woman. i have got a university degree,a spiritual life, i have travelled all over the world, i have my own house and car and dog, and business. i have become all the things i never believed i could. now i am actually grateful to my mother, she taught me about loving kindness and compassion and self-sabotage. not in a nice way. but i got it.
at age 8 i thought; "i'm not going to be like you, i'm going to be nice". and i stuck to it.

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