Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Deb
by Deborah Randall
(Laurel, Maryland, USA)
I've been going to 12 step meetings. Working the 21 steps of child abuse recovery. Remembering. Years ago it was difficult when violent memories came back to me. Memories of being screamed at incessantly and for days on end. Of being chased down a dead end hallway. Tackled. Clawed. Hair pulled. Remembering was shocking. At the time I thought it was all normal.
But lately, what has been coming up are more ordinary things. Like being in elementary school, sound asleep in my bed for the night, awakening to the screaming of my name, running into her room and being told to turn off her TV.
This abuse of power. This need to be subservient to a bully all of the time. These are the things I recall now. Being held to an almost impossibly high standard and being ignored at once. The jealousy of getting sexual attention from her companions. That is the root of her hatred toward me.
Then the sexual memories come. I was sexualized before I was raped. I was watched and my privacy was taken away. And, I'm wondering how to rank these violations.
My own Father did something to me that I have no memory of. Exposed me to pornography at a very young age. Slept in the same bed with me every other weekend. Was the teacher in his Masonic lodge where he preached family values from the Bible.
My recovery right now is about permission. Permission to have my own opinions, thoughts, ideas, without worrying about the consequences. I have no mercy for sexual molesters or child abusers. I know they are mentally ill, but I also know they have hurt me and given the opportunity would hurt me again in a heartbeat.
I'm celebrating my anger about being expected to "understand", "go the extra mile", "do a little bit more", so that they can remain mentally ill. NO! I now say and it liberates me.
I have begun to look at it from the perspective of the Goddess. A great good spiritual Mother who has endless nurturance for me. One who will protect me. And a distant spirit Father who has no sexual interest in me and who I don't care to know too closely ever.
I think reclaiming the Mother spiritual energy is helping me a great deal. Giving myself permission to NOT be "Christian" is the kindest thing I could ever do.
And from a spiritual perspective, I think it is my job to speak truth. Because, no matter how ugly, it is the only thing that allows us to evolve. Those who avoid truth and hide inside of their self-created self-contained snow globes, smash into glass a lot.
The world is much safer for me than the house I grew up in. Now, this is tragic, but it is also beautiful. I trust the world more than I trust my Parents. They are criminally ill. It is not my job to care about them. It is not my job to hate them. It is my job to let them go.
This goes against everything I've been conditioned to do. So the Goddess energy comes to me again. It asks simple questions:
-Is your spirit being honored?
-Are you experiencing joy everyday?
-Do the people around you celebrate who you are?
-Do you celebrate the spirit of those around you?
-Are you living in love knowing it is boundless and abundant?
Conversely, it checks in with me:
-If someone is venting their frustration at you leave.
-If someone is diminishing you for who you are leave.
-If someone is trying to erase you leave.
-If you feel jealousy being thrown your way go home.
Home.
I've learned to have a home.
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