Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Christy

by Christy
(Kansas City, USA)

Things I've Learned from My Life: 
I was physically abused by my dad as I was growing up. I was the oldest of 4
kids. He got mad at anything and everything, but mostly I think he was
frustrated by his inability to make an adequate living for his family and he
took it out on me. I hated my father for years. My mother used me as her
personal maid. I cleaned her entire house thoroughly on a daily basis
and did loads of ironing for her. I cooked all of the meals from the time I was
in 7th grade until I graduated from high school and left home. I often felt that
I had no one to turn to. We moved every couple of years, so friends came and
went. I never felt consistently loved or valued as I was growing up. Despite
their treatment of me, I still loved my parents..doesn't that sound strange??

Just a few years ago, I found out that when I left home at 18, my dad began hitting my younger sister who was 10 at the time. Dad never hit my 2 brothers who were in between my sister and I. Pretty sad, eh?

I've had some therapy, but the biggest difference in my life is what I learned in nursing school . We had life lectures twice per week for an entire year by a
psychologist. One thing that she said made a huge impact on me.. She told me
that no matter what happened in our growing up years, we didn't have to repeat
the mistakes of our parents. We could steer our own ship the way we wanted
to.

After thinking about it..and having a "ah ha" moment, I took this psychologist's advice.

I made many positive changes in my life and I am
proud.

1. At 19, I distanced myself from my father never again allowing myself to be hit. I
didn't get close to my father again for 41 years when I took good care of him in his
last 8 months of life once my mother had died. I chose to forgive him..but never
forgot. I finally forgave my father when I was in my early 50's. I was typing
his autobiography for him and he was sitting beside me waiting for it to be
done. I calmly asked him what HE had experienced as far as abuse when he was
growing up. I told him that I hadn't deserved it. My stoic father ran from the
room crying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". That is when I forgave him, though I can
never forget the terror.

2. I raised my daughter with lots of love. She was given reasonable
responsibilities but never made to clean my entire house nor cook all of the
evening meals. I never used emotional blackmail nor physical punishment on her
to force her to do what I wanted her to do. She always knew she was loved and we

are close today. And, she turned out well. She is a happy woman. I am
grateful. I broke the cycle of abuse.

3. When confronted with an abusive personality/person in my life now...I distance
myself from that person. I figure that life is short, so why be around miserable
people who love to put me down or degrade or humiliate me. Sadly, my younger
sister is emotionally non-supportive of me and frequently puts me down. We do
not live in the same town and I purposefully am kind to her and do not spend
much time in her company...at all. My two younger brothers have never treated me
badly in this way. It saddens me because I really would have liked to be close to my
sister...There have been others in my life whom I have walked away from because
of this very same character trait.

4. I look for things which make me happy and concentrate on those. One
therapist I saw asked me if I struggle with depression. It is common, she says,
among kids who have been abused. Yes, that is true. And, I am still working on
that. It is strange that depression still haunts me now that both of my parents
are dead. But, it has indeed improved!!

5. I enjoy musicals and plays and go to as many as I can. I try to fill my
life with happiness now.

6. I concentrate on being grateful for what I have and am. Gratefulness
begets contentment which is a form of happiness.

7. My parents did not get along and I wonder if that is the root of their
treatment of me. They constantly needled each other and I could tell they didn't
enjoy being with each other. I got tired of hearing their constant bickering. I was their oldest child.

My spouse and I do not do this. We do not have a perfect marriage, but I
learned long ago that a. I didn't want to be a nag and b. there are better
relationships out there than my parents had. My marriage has improved dramatically in the past two
years since my spouse retired and I am grateful for it. For most of our
marriage, I really don't think he was all "in" it. I felt I'd made most of the
sacrifices and that my husband just took me for granted. He did as little as
possible for me. My husband has made some great strides in the past couple of
years and I'm beginning to feel valued at home, too. It's about time and I smile.

---

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