Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Cathryn

by Cathryn
(Texas, USA)

I realized shortly after my first attempt at writing this, that I could not possibly fit everything in here regarding my experience. So here is the reader's digest version. (still quite long, but not the full novel)

We can start with my Father being paralyzed from the waist down in a motorcycle accident when I was 3. I spent most of that year living with various family members. I was never sure of my surroundings. I remember when in Dallas with my Grandma, eating all of my mother b/c pills, and having to throw them up :/
Also I remember seeing my father in traction. You'll read this and wonder why I would call this the most horrifying moment in my memory. Not sure, but it definitely ranks as #1 or 2. If there are any nurses reading this. Please spare us that vision as a young child.

After my Father arrived home from Baylor's OT program many months later, He became addicted to many drugs, both RX and non RX. My mother as well (his drugs and hers).

My abuse included daily beating and assault and extended periods of neglect (outside or in the closet) resulting in untreated injuries such as burns, breaks, loss of consciousness, various sprains, and respiratory issues (treated), several inner ear infections (treated), and bladder infections (sometimes treated). At one point I actually began to lose hair, although I am unsure as to what caused it or why. I wet the bed quite often until I was about 7-8. That is also when I began cutting myself, and or using an eraser to burn through my skin. Also hitting the back of my head against a wall, preferably brick was pleasantly distracting.

Also I was exposed to allot of chemicals as my parents used, and sold various drugs. My father was a gun smith and taxidermist. The Hot bluing method of gun parts requires caustic soda solution heated to 300 deg. F. We had little ventilation, and I was responsible for maintaining the vats. Taxidermy has its own set of chemicals that I remember as "caustic". Also I was responsible for field dressing the deer, and processing. This in and of itself is not bad, in fact I still enjoy hunting, but only because I have been able to rationally separate that experience with that one in which it was explained to me how a human is treated in much the same way at autopsy, and paired with my mother being shot at by him. If I had been a male....

So, When I was 12 My parents divorced YAY!!! right? WRONG. Now I have 4 abusers. My mother and her Alcoholic BF, along with my Father and his violent new wife, who is a body builder and proudly diagnosed as Bi-Polar :(

It became quite brutal at that point, with increasing violence all around. Now, I also had a step sister that I became responsible for. That was tough, but our relationship is all that survives of my childhood.

After my mother took custody of me, she continued in her neglect, and suddenly I was pretty much on my own. I had no idea how to act. I was in a new town with new friends. I went where I wanted and did what I wanted. One night my mother locked me out of the house because she had a friend over.... So I decided to walk to my Grandmothers house. On the way I accepted a ride from my friends father. He drove me to a reservoir, pulled me out of the car, brutally raped, sodomized and assaulted me, then dropped me off on the side of the road about a mile from my grandmothers house. When I made it to her house she called my mother to pick me up. My mother drove me home punching me with her one hand not on the steering wheel the entire way. Screaming at me about being a whore. When we arrived home she threw me into the bathtub and scrubbed every inch of my body. I was 14. You know how they say you probably wont get pregnant the first time you have sex, they are so wrong, you most definitely can and I did. My mother drove me to Dallas 2mo. into the pregnancy to have an abortion, and that was when I knew while laying on my back experiencing the same pain of my rape and worse that my soul was damned to hell. That although I would love my Lord for all of my days I would never be accepted into his kingdom. I wished for death, to just bleed out right then.

I later escaped all of this in a way, by marrying my first husband, and successfully bringing my daughter into this world. I have to say that she is a gift to me because I miscarried 2 times after in the following 10 years. Once in that 2 year marriage (figured it out early at least). Once in my current marriage. both in second trimester, neither with medical intervention because I did not want that experience again, ever.

I dis-associated from my parents for 5 years after my daughter was born and after my divorce. I began setting goals for my life. I started meeting those goals, and exceeding them. I began to know my worth.

First, I worked at a little independent pharmacy as a tech. Then I rented an apt, paid my own bills, went to school, Loved my daughter and needed no ones assistance. It was then that I began to dissolve that self destructive part of me, a small portion everyday over time.

After some time, I met my current husband, after dating for 3 years, and a 6mo engagement we married. We have now been together for over 16 years. When we were engaged, I re-established my relationship with my parents, and was able to form a relationship with them on my terms. I was able to actually have a relationship as an adult with my father and I feel blessed to have had those last 7 years with him. Truly that healed many wounds. My mother is still an emotional strain to me, and I have to tell you honestly, I do not and will never love or respect her, but out of respect for my grandmother I say the words. I feel no shame for my lack of love for her. I feel sadness in never having a mother sometimes.

Also my Sister saved me. Even to this day she is what saves me. I know through her that I DID go through every single one of those days and survived it! I know that we pulled each other up and gave ourselves no excuses. We rejected drugs, and alcohol, we rejected violence, and we rejected our parents and realized them for what they were. weak human beings that could not direct our future, nor determine our worth any longer.

I am now happily married to a wonderful man who accepts me and all of my faults. His family is truly amazing, and led me to the realization, that God has forgiven me for my sins, and that some of those sins were not mine to repent. Also they taught me forgiveness. In forgiveness, there is healing. I don't carry the burden of my parents any longer.

I currently work in Finance for an awesome company where I feel valued, and I am respected for my talents. My daughter has graduated, and will be attending college this Fall.

I will say, that I have had my share of health problems recently, and although I am uncertain to what extent my past experience has created them, or contributed to them; I am involved in some heavy research regarding that correlation. However I do not stress or worry. I gave it up to God, and am allowing him to lead me wherever it is he needs me to be.

My doctors are of science, and they will do their work. I pray for them every night. That He may lead their actions.

That Is my story, so no I am not on welfare, I am not lower class (although my money is sent directly to my daughters school now), I am not a user, or a drinker, or suicidal, I am not a criminal, I haven't abused my child.
I am not a victim of domestic abuse.I haven't killed anybody, I don't have any STD's, or a gambling problem. I know there were some other thing I am supposed to be doing, but I cannot recall them at the moment.

I am happy, and gladness is in me even when health is not. I wish that everyone reading this and relating to my experiences would understand. You are not a lesser human being. You write your own story now. You are whomever you choose to be. Even if you do not feel you are worthy of this life, or of happiness and success. That does not make it a fact. I promise, If you can just set one goal for yourself that improves you and your life and meet it, you will feel that worth & it will be tangible! My first goal once on my own was to gain employment. That began a chain of events. I still have short term/ long term life and financial goals. It keeps me grounded in the future, and in the present. I have chosen to no longer live in the past. I pray you find strength to live outside of your memories and experiences as well. God Bless <3

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Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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