Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Canadian Survivor Part 2

by Paul
(Ottawa, Ontario, Canada)

I did 27 years of in-depth reading, self-analysis, contemplating life, and years of therapy. Why? I always thought it was to find THE TRUTH. I now know it was to do everything and everything to AVOID the truth - the real truth.

And you led me directly to it through your work, commitment and passion to the subject and effects of child abuse. Yes - you did.

I have been on earth for almost 53 years. But Mr. Brain has been here a hell of lot longer than me. And he's a lot smarter than I am.

And he went along with me, as I played my game of devoting my life to doing what? To doing everything and anything I could to deal with the effects of abuse? Yes and no.

These were all very sophisticated games to do everything and anything Mr. Brain and I agreed to do to avoid doing the ONE thing that really had to be done.

Last night, I went somewhere I have only been to once before in my life.

It was terrifying! I was falling apart, shaking and all I could do was call out the names of my big sister, or a friend of mine, but I couldn't even dial a number. I tried to run away, but there was no place to run to except inside my apartment.

I thought I was having a nervous breakdown and wondered if I should go to the hospital, but I couldn't stop shaking and sobbing, and, I wouldn't have even made it out the door.

I needed somebody so bad. Someone to hold me. I was so afraid of what was coming up and out.

And the flood gates of 50 years of repression and anxiety burst open.

I was lucky enough to call another friend later who stayed with me on the phone until I was ok.

Today, I made an appointment to see a trauma specialist.

Thanks to you Darlene, as scary as it was and is, I know what I must and will do to finally deal with this.

Throughout my life, I enjoyed watching movies of violence, where the hero gets to beat the bad guy. Yesterday, I couldn't watch anything with any violence in it. And I may never be able to again. I realize that such movies allowed me to act out my feelings of anger buried deeply inside.

I have searched and identified many many heroes in my life, and finally I found the BIGGEST HERO of my life. Is it me? No.

The presentation I will do in January at the Centre for Sexual Abuse and Childhood Trauma will be devoted to this hero.

And my presentation will not be about all I did to overcome the abuse, nor about all of my accomplishments. These are secondary. More importantly, it will be about my greatest failure - an area I am an expert in – avoiding facing my true feelings relating to the trauma and abuse that I went through. To talk about the different things I did to avoid finding what I have been seeking all my life - the REAL TRUTH!

The hero is the little boy who went through all the abuse, who could only watch in terror, without any resources or mental or other powers to deal with the abuse, and watch in silence, as he tried his best to suppress the feelings of terror that were within him.

Thanks for letting me share with you Darlene.

Someday, I hope you and I will meet.

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