Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery From Brad P

by Brad P
(USA)

First off, Darlene, THANK YOU for posting my story of child abuse. My healing process has only begun recently now that I'm 25, but I hope that the previous 23-24 years of my life would only be the tragic prologue to a greater story of triumph.

One thing which has helped me tremendously is learning to love tea. I actually mix green and regular (black) teas together normally. Drinking this particular blend of teas, with the combined stress reducing agents, has big-time helped me fully relive old memories and feel the full emotional pain without becoming physically overwhelmed by the flashbacks.

Growing up, I was a painfully poor writer and horribly poor at reading comprehension. Yet, I began reading fiction extensively this past year, and strangely, it seems like all I ever needed was reading glasses, as now reading's become much easier for me. Whereas four or five pages used to be total torture, 50 pages in a mass print paperback on average a day is a very doable thing for me.

Somewhere along the line, I realized that around three years old was the one time in my life where I really wondered at heart all the possibilities which were out there for me. Yes, a couple years previous, I was nearly killed after a mauling attack from my brother, but the previous and then current damage hadn't set in yet. Now at 25, as I reawaken, I realize that though my cognitive development was always far beyond that of my peers, I'm sitting here with the emotional development of a damaged three-year-old. Within the past year, I actually started reading drastically dark novels involving quite a few horrific aspects, rape, killing, etc., not because I draw pleasure reading about others in pain, but because there's always a character or two who carry themselves with their own self-efficacy and persevere in the end, and there's always someone who suffers only to persevere. My life has been a horror novel, and I find myself embodying the qualities these characters tend to hold in common, and through it, I feel like I'm fast forwarding from the broken 3-year-old I've been for the past 22 years into an emotionally developed adult. Of note, I've also began work on a new series of novels myself, partially drawing on my own experiences, allowing me a positive outlet for all the harbored pain I've lived with.

I've recently made a career change into a new field, which I won't disclose at this time, but it's a growing field. I think due to my experiences being abused growing up, I had elements of paranoia which since evolved into hypervigilance. I'm taking at least one particular class, and during it, the professor said, "If you're the type who double checks locked doors, always looks behind you on a sidewalk, etc. etc. etc.," ...and here is where I thought he was going to describe my type as a paranoid delusional freak, but instead he said, "you're actually just the person we're looking for in this field." I think maybe I could learn to soften my hypervigilance, but imagine the elated feeling I had when someone told me that the persona I developed into isn't seen as inherently flawed, but instead is seen as inherently beneficial! I'm still finding my feet in this new career path, but something tells me I'll be exhilarated by this career once I'm going.

One thing I'm not sure what to make of is this. Within the past couple of weeks, I have moments where I feel like the vibrancy and vigor I once had for a fleeting moment growing up (I think this is the "torch" I spoke of, the fire of life) has been given back to me, and I feel comfortable in my own skin even after all I experienced. During one of these times where I could drop my defenses and be a human being for a moment, I looked in the mirror at myself, hoping to see that vibrant youth I've seen in pictures from around three years old, but instead, I saw a refugee torn from his homeland. I know I wrapped myself in layer upon layer of iron-reinforced concrete emotional defense over the years, which has given me a particularly cold stare and critical face, but that was a new level of said qualities, and I honestly don't know what to make of it. Regardless, I can still hold my once lost but now found youth inside myself, look at the world, and wonder at the possibilities found within it. Regardless of what "myself" has evolved into, by my own doing or not, I'm finally becoming comfortable being myself for whatever it is, and I have a simple goal to be happy with myself and show love to others in need of my love.

Most importantly, I built up quite a bit of rage over the years. I directed it at myself, the world, but never where it should have been directed, at the abuse I was put through. Only by allocating the rage where it should be appropriately allocated have I learned what righteous anger is, and through it, I'm learning what true forgiveness is. How can I forgive someone if I don't even know how or how much I've been wronged, or what wronged me? I very foolishly bailed my abusers out of trouble on quite a few occasions, but I'm slowly learning to hold people accountable for their actions, yet love them despite their actions, because in the end, I could never fully understand their motives, their past, and for all I know, they could be just another victim like I've been, silently crying out for help.

Whereas before, I was sure I was a lost cause, yet never knew why, hopefully this is the start of a much brighter future.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

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