Child Abuse Story of Healing and Recovery from Anna

by Anna
(Formerly from Lynden, Washington, USA)

It's still strange to me that the event that led to my going into hiding was my dad killing my dog. I think about some of the things I've lived through, and I'm surprised I ever survived.

My dad was a sadistic man who hated women. I never did find out why he hated his parents—his mother in particular—as much as he did. They were wonderful to me, but it could have been because I'm a girl. He was obsessed with me, he's still obsessed with me. He's mentally ill.

My mother was severely abused and tortured herself growing up. She's schizophrenic. Her goal in life, in regards to me, was to have a daughter with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder, now called DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder). She was obsessed with that book about Trudy Chase. My parents are horrible people; and even though I'm free, I'm still afraid of them. I couldn't do anything against him or my mom to protect myself, but when they tortured and killed my dog, I had no choice but to act. I moved, literally at midnight, had to find a different job, and finally ended up moving out of state.

In the last 10 years, I've moved 14 times. I changed my name. I went into a completely different field than I'd been to college for. Everything is different. For a very long time, it felt like my world was over. I was shunned from the immigrant community to which I was accustomed. I had no family to rely on. I've had to literally scrape my own niche in the world so I could survive. A lot of nights, the only reason I didn't give up completely was because I believed I was the only person who could properly care for my budgie.

I'm a lot better than I was when I escaped. It's taken a LOT of hard work to get where I am. Through sheer luck, I found an amazing therapist, and because of her, I've been able to relax enough to accept myself as I am. I don't technically have an eating disorder anymore (I had anorexia and bulimia in high school and college). I don't cut myself any more. I don't binge drink. I don't do any drugs. I don't place myself in dangerous situations. I can actually feel fear. I'm finally in a stable relationship. I still haven't got a job; I'm not sure why. I land interviews, but for some reason I'm never called back.

I digress.

I guess in the end, all that matters is that you value yourself enough to get out. It might seem impossible, but with the right timing, it is possible. Never give up. That same energy that's keeping you alive right now will save you in the end. Keep telling people until someone listens, until someone believes you. It took me 20 years to find someone who would act on what I told them, and helped me see that it was possible to leave. I say 20 years, because even though I reported my dad when I was 18 and CPS investigated, they did nothing to help me or my younger brother get away from our parents. It was 2 years after that when I met an amazing therapist who helped me see it was possible to leave.

Even before you get out, you can find therapists who will listen. Even Crisis Centers will listen. Find a phone and call them. There were many nights I'd be hiding in my closet after my dad left, and I'd call from the wireless phone. Just having one other person know is a huge relief.

Once you get away, find a good therapist. Don't settle, either, you deserve the best. I found that Insight Therapy works wonders for me. Also, medicine for depression and to help me sleep at night (I have PTSD, among other things). If you're surrounded by people who know what's happening, and no one will help you (teachers, doctors, religious officials, police, anyone at all), you can file a report against your abusers with a sheriff, and you can then get Crime Victims Compensation. It is the duty of public officials/teachers/etc. to report suspected child abuse. That's why Crime Victims will pay for you to get the help you need.

Mostly, I take one day at a time. When that is too much, I take one hour, or 10 minutes, or 1 minute at a time.

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