Child Abuse Story From ZM

by ZhiMin
(Montreal, Canada)

I did not have a childhood and teenage. I was living in a room completely black without a light. I thought there was no future for me. I attempted suicide one time. However, every time when I imagined my mom crying in front of my tomb, my heart was broken. I could not do it anymore, so I told myself that I live for my mother.

My father started to beat me up when I was 3 years old. I still remember; the giant kicked me who was rolling on the floor. My cousin thought that my father was playing football with me inside the house, No, I was the football.

Usually, we have meals three times a day, well, I got beaten up three times a day. Tell me about it how do I feel when I was walking back home?

Age of 10, I was dreaming to be a dancer and an actress. My father kept telling me that I am not qualified. As a result, I did not believe all the love letters that I received from 12 years old. I laughed at a boy who mailed me a huge card with a love poem, I passed it in the class. You know what? because I do not believe that I can be loved! It is impossible for a man to love me!

Many times when I saw my father abuse my mother, I have the desire to pull a knife to kill him. Then I kept telling myself that I can not do that, it is not worth of losing my freedom because of this mad dog. So, I waited until one day I can leave home.

At age of 18, I decide to end the nightmare. Finally, I pulled out a knife and chased my father. I told him, now it is about time, either you die or I, and I do not wish to live anymore. He was scared. He could never see and imagine how violent that I could be.

I have so much anger inside me and I have anger arrangement problem. I suffer so much the consequence.

9 years ago, I decided to move to Canada by myself and finally quit this home. I learned more and more about child abuse. Only at this time, I realized that I am the victim of my father. Not only me, my sister and my poor mother.

I talked to my sister and my mother and share my knowledge. We, the very first time started to talk about the family violence and expressed our feelings. My sister confronted to my father and my mother also. However, I still do not feel like to do it. I just ignore him, because I see him only every 3 to 4 years.

When my sister was pregnant, I gave her a book about how to educate baby. And two of us swear that we will never never abuse our children, that is our revenge to our father to prove that he is wrong! As a matter of fact, my sister never abuse her children and she is a great mother!

My mother still stay in the relationship, however she learned how to defend herself against my father. A few years ago, my father beat my mother up with a stick and broke her arms. After this, my mother finally stood up to claim her dignity and her territory. The reason to stay in this relationship was because of us. She did not want a divorce and raise us in a bad environment. Only after these years, she realized that she was wrong. A man almost destroyed three women. Because of our father, a violent man, three women, my sister, my mother, and I all attempted to suicide. Luckily, we all survived.

I almost fell into a relationship with a violent boyfriend. I learned so much about myself and learned how to let out my anger. Today, I gain the peace and I am able to love and have my own family.

The dark is passed. My healing is done. What can I do for those who are still suffering? I am a filmmaker. I decide to make films to tell stories and call the attention to those hiding-in-the corners.

My first film is a student film called Break the Chain. Now I am preparing a short film called On the Way Home. Let's do something to prevent child abuse and save those who are still living in the black box.

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