Child Abuse Story From Whitney

by Whitney
(Canada)

When I was only about 4 or 5 I remember one of my cousins touching me and making me touch him. It happened when he and his family visited our house or my family visited his. He would go off with me to play or do something and then he would touch me, say inappropriate things to me, and make me touch him. He also performed oral acts on me and tried to get me to do that to him. He was 13. I only remember it happening maybe 4 times, and to be honest, I don't know why I didn't tell. I don't recall him telling me to keep it a secret, but I somehow knew it was bad and I wasn't supposed to tell. Then our family quit seeing his as often. I just tried to forget what happened and move on, I guess.

Then when I was perhaps 8 or 9, (it's really tough to remember my age after trying to not think about it for so long) a different cousin started abusing me. He would have been 14 or 15. I can't say how many times it happened, but it was frequent and ongoing for 3 years. My brother and I saw this cousin nearly every weekend during the spring and fall, all summer, as well as several times in the winter. I don't know how my brother didn't notice, as we all hung out together, but because we were all close and did everything together, I guess me spending time alone with my cousin wasn't out of the ordinary.

My cousin would touch me and get me to touch him and told me it was a secret. He came on hunting, fishing, and camping trips with us, spent lots of time at our cabin, and spent his summers on our farm. When we stayed at our cabin, which was most summer nights, he would get me to come lay with him on his bunk and touch me, all the while my brother was in the room. During the day, he would find ways so that he and I were alone, away from my family and specifically my brother, and he would again touch me and have me touch him. This continued until I was 12 and he got a girlfriend.

A lot of my memories are somewhat foggy, and sometimes I think that perhaps these things never really happened and it's my head screwing with me, but I know deep down that they did.

I am now 18, and just recently I told my family, my long-time boyfriend, and my best girlfriend that I was abused (no specifics, as I'm very ashamed and embarrassed by it). They want me to get help and have the cousins held accountable. I have also recently been diagnosed with depression, and I will be meeting with a mental health worker soon, but I just don't know how to talk about it even though I know they can help. Also, I don't blame or hate my cousins for what happened, so I don't want to tell and get them in trouble or screw up the family because of how people would view them after they knew. I know in my head that it's not my fault, but in my heart I feel responsible because I think I liked the attention from them so that means I wanted it. I'm also worried about how people, such as my family and friends, will view me once it's out in the open. I don't want to be thought of differently, but I still feel that I should tell. I hope one day I will be ok with what happened and be able to live normally and be happy with myself and life itself.

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