Child Abuse Story From Vinnie

by Vinnie
(Ireland)

Still trying to move on: 
This will be the first time I have ever told what happened to me, although I did have some therapy when I was fifty years old. I attended the Rape Crisis Center.

I was about nine or ten years old when it happened. It was by a man who lived next door to my aunt. She used to make dinner for this man's father, who was blind. I was asked one day, to bring the dinner to him. When I got there his son was there, I think he was drunk. What happened to me that day has had a terrible effect on my life, and it all happened while his blind father was shouting at him. I am not sure how long it went on.

My life from that day changed. I was filled with guilt and shame. As time went on I felt very alone, different, unable to cope with life. My teenage years were full of depression, feeling ugly, unloved, unwanted, shame, guilt. I had suppressed all of what happened. I had absolutely no confidence in myself, and my twin brother forged ahead with his life. I know he was ashamed of me, but he did not know what happened to me. I was kept back in school while he went on to a different school. I felt so inferior to him.

When I started to work, I was prepared to put up with anything rather than change my job. I started to drink when I was 19 years old. I soon discovered that drink helped with my terrible feelings of depression, self hate, guilt and shame. In a very short time I was addicted, and my life fell apart. I had fourteen visits to hospital: eight times to a mental hospital, the rest getting pumped out after taking an overdose. One time I ended up in intensive care after an overdose. Another time I cut my wrists. I took several overdoses. I was in hell. I lay across my father's grave one rainy night on my way home from the bar. I begged him to help me.

One night as I was in my room, I felt I could not take anymore. I was scared of God. I felt He was going to judge me for all that happened in my life. I told Him that I could not go on, and asked Him to forgive me. I was at the end. I took a fistful of antabuse (a medication used in the treatment of alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence). I drank on antabuse before and knew the terrible effects. I woke the next morning confused. There were no feelings of gratitude, no feelings of God helped me, just more shame and guilt.

I am now sixty years young. I have not had a drink now for nearly twenty three years. I am still trying to come to terms with what happened and the consequences of that terrible day. As anyone who has been abused knows, there are very painful years of confusion and some are very hard to explain. Being alone with all the feelings, feeling different, feeling inferior all my life, trying to cope alone is horrific. I thank God today for His guidance. I still have issues that are hard to explain but I am slowly moving on.

Yours in Gratitude
Vinnie

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.