Child Abuse Story From Trin

by Trin
(Canada)

All I want is a hug: 
I have just turned 28. Some days I hurt, and today is one of them. I don't really know what to say. I guess I should start by saying that when I was little, my mom would beat me. Sometimes I feel that I deserved it, but most of the time I don't think so. It really hurts because I love my mom a lot.

My mom and I don't have a good relationship because she is an alcoholic and a drug abuser. Whenever I try to talk to her about it she doesn't want to hear it or she gets mad and says I need to start dealing with things by myself.

I have a poor attitude and my relationships almost always end in disaster. I feel so hurt and alone. I just don't understand why my mom would hit me and say the nasty things that she did.

Deep inside I have compassion for people and feel honestly bad for people in bad situations. You can tell which ones they are, or at least have a good idea who they are, because I have been there many times before. You know that skinny-looking kid waiting at the bus stop. His dirty ripped jeans. Just trying to fit in. I know that life is hard for them, so I feel for them. I was once that skinny kid wearing old clothes. I was there because my mom abandoned me. The abuse was one thing but the abandonment was another. She left me and went to live with a man who I did not like because he hit my mom.

I remember fighting him one day. I had just turned 18. I went out and got drunk with friends. I came home and my mom was waking me up to go home. She was kicking me out. I went upstairs because I was still a little drunk. Her boyfriend was staring at me with hate in his eyes. So I asked him what he was staring at. He stood up like he was going to intimidate me, so I said to him, "Try hitting my mom again." He came at me, and before I knew it, I was punching him over and over again. When I stopped, my mom was on the phone calling the police. We lived a few blocks away from police headquarters, so they were there and within 5 minutes I was in a police cell. It was a long weekend so I sat in there for 4 days. I hurt that time because I thought I was doing a good thing for my mom, and that by doing it I was showing her that I loved her and would not let anyone put a hand on her. She repaid me by having me arrested. This is not the only time she has called the cops on me. She has called them on about 10 different occasions and usually I end up in jail.

I never finished school like a normal kid because I was too embarrassed to go. I felt that everyone knew my mother was an alcoholic that didn't take care of us. I dropped out of school in grade 9 and started to hang around the street crowd. I learned how to steal to get my self nice clothes and food sometimes. I felt that I belonged because when I hung around these people they never judged me and I could be whatever I wanted. When you steal for nice clothes and people don't know where you got them, I thought they would assume I was from a good home when we had lots of money.

I also discovered alcohol and drank a lot. Alcohol numbed the pain. I would like to think I was a good-looking kid because whenever I got drunk and didn't say too much to wreck my chances, girls would hit on me. This made me feel good because when I was little my mom would tell me that I was an ugly little Chink. This is because my dad was oriental. My mom is not. But I believed her. Even now I still question my confidence.

I was involved with the wrong crowd and throughout my teen age years spent a lot of time in youth offender facilities. I kept on stealing because I knew if I got caught doing crime I would be sent to jail. This was not a bad idea to me because in jail I got three meals a day and a warm place to sleep at night. At nights I would often cry because I wished my mom would come and get me and take me away to a nice place where we didn't have to worry about food or money. That never happened.

As I got older, I found that I was very street smart and knew how to survive and still look kind of cool. You know, not look like that poor kid at the bus stop. I know it was all a lie, but it helped me get through my day a little easier.

As I got older yet, I stopped doing crime and hanging around those that I thought would hinder me in any sort of way. A lot of these people were career criminals so it was very hard to get out of that lifestyle. I had been hanging around them for so long it was like turning my back on them, saying that I was better than them. I will just say that it was very hard and I still get dirty looks from them from time to time.

Anyway, I went to adult school and passed my grade 12, finally. I kept my averages up so I could go to university. I didn't think that I would go but made sure just in case. I worked a low-paying job as a bag boy at a grocery store. I was sick and tired of it so one day I applied to university. Fast forward 5 years and now I hold a bachelors degree in Business Admin. But I now face jail time because over the past few years I have accumulated 3 assault charges, 2 or them on my cousins and the other one on my girlfriend. Even though I just graduated with a degree, I feel that my life is stalled and I will go to jail.

Lots of times I blame my poor attitude on my mom for beating me. She always has no problem asking me for money. I remember when I went out for the weekend and came home to an empty house. She moved to a different province when I was gone. I remember how she kicked me out and all the times she called the cops on me. I only did what I had to do to survive. If I'm rough around the edges it's because of this.

I hit my girlfriend and feel really bad about this. I feel that I deserve to go to jail. I am afraid because there are going to be those people who think I turned my back on them there. Gangs are rampant in jail and I feel I have a good chance of getting stabbed and killed in there.

I often remember those times of when I was a little kid getting beat by my mom. When she was drunk and I couldn't find her shirt, she just stood me up and punched me. I cried but I stopped because I knew if I didn't stop she would keep on hitting me. I don't think she remembers because she was too drunk. I however remember it as if it were yesterday.

I feel that I get angry really fast and now I hit. I want to blame my mom, but then again, I feel that we all have a choice. But when I'm so enraged I just do. There is no reason in my head and I just want to hurt for making me hurt. That is why I am facing jail time. I blame me and I just want to forget the bad time and replace them with happy thoughts. I want my mom to stop drinking and for us to be a happy family. I want for her to give me a hug and take all the pain away.

I think that I am very smart and I could get our family money that we need to live a good life. I don't think this will happen because I don't think that my mom loves me. I think she hates my father and that I remind her of him, which is why I got beat as a child. She has other kids and they treat me bad as well. I just wish they were there for me like I would be there for them. Hanging around the bad people is bad but at least I can say they were loyal as long as everyone got away. They had your back; my mom never did. I don't know. I am very mixed up. I wish she could just love me and take all my pain away.

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