Child Abuse Story From Tonya2

by Tonya M.
(Canton, Ohio, USA)

My name is Tonya. I am 28 years old. I was abused from the age of 7 to the age of 12. I believe that I was abused earlier on because my mom was with this man from as early as before kindergarten, but I cannot remember that far back.

My mother met this man through a mutual friend. My mom said that she knew him when my dad was living. My dad died when I was one years old. So not to long after that my mom got with this man. He was really great with us (I have two brother's that are 4 and 5 years older than me). He took us to places like fishing, camping, everything that a father should do. But that changed, at least with me. I do not remember when the sexual abuse began, or my first experience with this man, but I do remember some things.

I remember him going into abandoned houses. He went to them to get stuff that was in good condition that people left behind after they moved out. Sometimes I would go with him, and he would touch me. I remember him wanting me to have oral sex but I told him that he was too big and that he was gagging me. He got mad. He tried to force me to do it. I started to cry. I ran away from him, and ran home. My mom asked me where he was. I said back at the abandoned house.

My next memory is when I had these gerbils. I had a lot of them. We went into the woods to release them. After we released them, he wanted me to give him a hand job. I did this for him most of the time. I would stroke him while he rubbed my chest. At that time I do not think that I had breasts yet. I do remember him saying I cannot wait til you grow breasts. He asked if I would let him touch me in my special spot. I said no. He did not get mad. He just tried over and over to get me to, but I just kept saying no. Finally he quit asking and he got off and we left the woods.

The next abuse that I can remember was physical. I went off on my bike. I was supposed to go with my mother and aunt to the grocery store. When I got called I was supposed to go home. I did not hear anyone call (supposedly the first couple of times). When I heard someone call me, it was him. I rushed home and he said that they called me. I said that I just heard him now. He called me a liar and told me you're staying home with me. I cried and begged my mom not to leave me. She did. And that is when I got beaten. He cornered me in a wicker chair that he told me to sit in. He started to punch me, and hit me. My cousins were watching this happen to me. Then he took a hammer and was swinging it around. I do not remember what he was saying. All I can remember is that hammer swinging in the air, and me praying that he would not hit me with it. He didn't. He ended up taking the hammer to my bike. After that I cannot recall if he beat me some more.

That night my mom came home. I do not think he left bruises, 'cause she just went on her merry way and cooked dinner. I tried to eat and I couldn't. That is when my mom noticed that something was wrong. She had tried to give me a drink of her pop with a straw and I could not open my mouth to do that. I cannot remember if she said something to him. But I do remember my brother's asking what did I do now?

There was more physical abuse that I recalled. He threw me into the wall from the stairs. I left a dent in the wall. He hit me a lot. Yelled at me a lot.

I do remember one instance of sexual abuse. I was sleeping in the basement at the time. He came down, and I acted like I was sleeping so I would not have to do them things to him. I blacked out or went out of my body 'cause after he was trying to get me to wake up, I ignored him. The next morning I woke up and I was naked. My Halloween outfit that I had on was across the room, but I could not remember anything. IS THAT ODD TO SUPPRESS A MEMORY LIKE THAT WHEN YOU KNOW SOMETHING HAPPENED BUT CAN'T REMEMBER IT. I can never recall him having sex with me, but I know when I had consensual sex for the first time, which was when I was 17 years old, I did not bleed and it did not really hurt. So I believe he went further than I can remember. And I hate that he took that precious first time experience away.

I was in 6th grade when I finally told someone. It was a really close friend. We were having inside recess. I can't remember how it came up but it did. I can remember saying yeah my mom's boyfriend does stuff to me, and she asked what kinda stuff. So I told her. She said you need to tell the school counselor. I said I can't. She said if you don't I will. So I agree, and wrote her a note. Later that day the counselor called me down and we talked.

The next day detectives were there to talk to me. When I got home he was gone and my mom was angry. She said how could you do this to us? I said it's the truth, and she called me a liar. He tried to contact me and she told him I was not allowed to talk to him. She said that if she did not send him away that they would take me out of the home. That is why she sent him away. She did not believe me until an old friend of ours that we were once close to told her that he sexually abused his daughter too. That is when she believed me. I was 15 years old. One thing that I will never forget is what she said: "I knew that he was cheating on me. I just never thought it would be with my own daughter." How can a mother say that to her 15-year-old daughter? I just do not understand. I was a baby when this stuff was going on. This was not cheating. It is and was sexual abuse. I cannot forgive my mom for that comment. She does not know this, but that comment hurt and she just made me feel dirty all over again, like I seduced him and told him it's okay, let's have a relationship like you and my mommy. She made it feel like it was my fault. I know that it is not my fault. I went through years of therapy, and I talked more about it now then I did back when I was 12, 13, 14, 15 years old. So I am healing. Sorry that this is so long. I just had to get it all out. I believe there is more to my past. I've just got so many suppressed memories that I cannot remember, and I guess it is better that I remember only what I remember, right?

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