Child Abuse Story From Tonya Part 2

by Tonya M
(Toledo, Ohio, USA)

As a child I always felt like I did not belong in my family. I am the baby of 5 children. Although I feel like I was the rock in my mother's shoe. None the less, my story is like most of the ones I've read on here. I am a victim of sexual, mental, physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I am 26 now. But my childhood was very confusing and very hard. I have posted my story of sexual abuse by my mother's ex boyfriend on here already (see Part 1). Now I am posting a story of my life with my mom.

I was always a tomboy. I never liked to be like everyone else. A lone wolf, I suppose. I liked things in my world and didn't like disruption. While I was being abused by my mother's ex, she focused her emotions and time on my sisters. They were her babies. They liked to play dress up, wear make-up and be girls. I, unlike them, played in the mud and climbed trees. My mom would look at me and ask why I had to be so dirty and not be the girl she'd had. I always shrugged my shoulders. I'd never dare say something back that could possibly get me in trouble. I really tried to stay away from conflict with her. So I usually agreed with her and let her know that I started all our arguments and everything was my fault.

As children, she would spank us at any moment. It did not matter where we were. I remember I went to school with no underwear on and had a skit on with pantyhose. I climbed up a tree and my sister told on me. My mom dragged me into the house by the nape of my neck and spanked me the entire time, calling me a little whore and that I was never to do that again. Instead of speaking softly to me about the situation, she just kept hitting me. When she would go to raise her arms at me for a hug unexpectedly, I would flinch in fear of getting smacked in the face.

I remember one day she called for me to come downstairs. I came down and she asked me to help her with dinner. She asked me what I was doing upstairs. I told her I was putting fake nails on, but ran out of glue, so I was looking for my sister's glue. She started to ask me why I was using theirs and if I'd used all theirs up, then what would they have for their nails. She just put words in my mouth instead of hearing what I had to say. Finally she asked me a question, and I said "I guess." All of a sudden I got her hand across my face. She called me a mouthy little bitch. She said she did not need that from me. She made my mouth bleed. I said nothing besides I was sorry for upsetting her. And that I would never do it again. She then told me to get the hell out of her face and to not come down for dinner, and that if I did, she would puke and she wanted to enjoy her dinner. I did not eat that night.

I also remember a time where my sister locked me in the bathroom with my friend James. My mom came home and I was pounding on the door for my sister to open it. My sister left the house. My mom opened the doors and pulled me out by my hair, threw me on the ground and began to punch me in the head. She sent James home. Once he left, she took me in the bathroom and made me pull my pants down and spanked my bare butt with her belt. She hit me so hard I had welts on my legs and butt cheeks and could not sit down.

Other things are more verbal and mental than physical. I went to college in Pittsburgh and was 4 hours from home with no car or phone. After about 9 months of being there, I got shingles. I was 20 years old. I was taken out of school and forced to quit my job because shingles are contagious. I called my mom and asked her if I could come home. She told me no, because she would not give me the satisfaction of giving her chicken pox. She never had chicken pox, and by me having shingles she could get them. So I sat in a dorm room for two months alone.

Other times, I was 23 years old and I had a perineal cyst on my tailbone. I was in the hospital for a week. I called my mom when they admitted me, which was on a Sunday. On Thursday, I had surgery. My mom came to the hospital before the surgery and then left. I woke up from the surgery by myself with no one by my side. I called my mom when I came to and asked where she went. She told me she wanted me to see how it felt to not have anyone come see me at the hospital. I drove myself there and drove myself home. A month later, I had surgery on my ovaries. I had a cyst on my right ovary the size of a grapefruit and two on my left ovary the size of a plum. My mom was there for me for that surgery, but it later had consequences. My mom charged me back rent and ordered me to pay her $1400.00 by January. My surgery was in July.

I recently got married. Before my wedding, I tried to include my mom in the planning, but I just felt I did not have that kind of relationship with her. It took 7 months for her to come and see my wedding dress. Anytime I called her to come and plan or do something with me for the wedding, she always told me she was busy and couldn't make it. I finally got tired of hearing no, so I stopped calling to see if she wanted to do anything. About 2 months before the wedding, my mom called and asked what all still needed to be done for the wedding. I told her and she helped pay for my dress. My dress was 1400.00 dollars. I paid it down to 1000.00 dollars and she paid the rest. Everything else for the wedding, my husband and I paid or his parents paid. My mom insisted that she would pay for the rehearsal dinner, but I am a chef and already planned it to be at the church. We had a kitchen there and many willing friends from my husband's mom's friends to help put it all together. She called me a few days later and told me that she would give us money to pay for the caterer. She then made a mockery of making the flowers with me and my mother-in-law, so I included her. Then she threw a fit over what she could do. I told her she could plan the party for the opening of the gifts and asked if she could do that? She said yes. Four days before Christmas and 1 month before the wedding, she called me and told me that she would not help with the flowers because she hated my mother-in-law and did not want to see her and that she couldn't give us money towards the food and she was not going to throw the party for the opening of the gifts. Why did she do this one month before my wedding? Who knows.

I scrambled around trying to figure out what to do. I was angry and had every right to be. This was my wedding day. My mother hates me so much, she was trying to destroy my day before I could even get to it. I complained to my cousin about the money and the whole planning of the wedding and stuff from my childhood. My cousin went back and told my mom and my mom called me and told me that she would not be at the wedding and I was not her daughter. This is 3 weeks before the wedding. My gosh, are you serious... what the heck do I do now? My mom is a very vocal person and has some kind of magic spell over me. What she says goes, and I never back away from it.

Well, in the case of planning the wedding, my husband taught me to stand up for what I want and believe in and to never allow anyone or anything to change my mind. I told my mom how I felt about it all and she turned it around on me and told me I was being selfish and that I had to think of other people. I gave in and apologized, just so I could have a good wedding day. By the time the wedding came, I could not look at her as my mom...in my mind, she was the evil that made me hurt my whole life. I never thanked her in the way a daughter should thank her mom. I felt she disrespected me and hurt me to a point of no return. The entire time at the wedding she bad-mouthed my husband, myself and his family. I simply don't understand and why is it my fault. She still has me under her spell. I can't stop thinking about all of this.

I am trying to have children and never ever want to put them through any of this. I think because my mom was abused by her parents and my biological father, she felt the need to share it with me, literally. Like I was the reason her life didn't go right. I feel everyone has choices they can make. I made good choices throughout my life. I took in what she had force me to endure and vowed I never wanted to go through any of that. So I got my education, and career before getting married. I followed my gut. But how do I get over my grief and anger towards my mother. She to this day won't talk to me about it. She knows damn well I wallow in this guilt of it being my fault for our relationship, but she does not help it much herself. I am lost and confused. How can I let her go and not my siblings? I don't hate her, I just despise what she has put me through. There is more that she has done, I just wrote down some examples of what I have endured.

Darlene's comments to this "Child Abuse Story From Tonya Part 2" are at the link below.

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