Child Abuse Story From The Lonely Girl
by Name Undisclosed
No hugs, no love. They tried, my parents did; to love me. But they just didn't know how. They didn't grow up with it either. They are very angry people, and their anger often got the best of them. Which meant that I got it. Yelling was something I heard daily. My parents had endless issues with their marriage. Saying horrible things that just shouldn't be said, whether married or not. Even as a six-year-old I'd try to intervene and beg them to stop saying such horrible things. This would only result in ME getting yelled at. Sure I got battered around sometimes, mostly just to scare me. But what hurt most was their words. Saying I was worthless and that they regret ever having me. That'd if they had more money they would send me away forever. And even though at that point it was what I wanted, it still hurt to hear my own parents, the people who created me, say things like that. I didn't know why they did it though. I would try to figure out what I was doing wrong. All I could come up with was...they were angry. I was quiet in school. Teachers wondered but never asked. One even recommended I talked to the school counselor because I'd sit silent and alone at recess. In second grade I remember going to school with a bruise on each arm. I shook my teacher's hand good morning as we did every day. I saw her eyes linger on my arms and her lips parted to make a comment but then closed again. "My daddy did it," I told her before she asked. "Oh," she replied with a grimace, but said nothing more. She didn't want to get involved. I told law enforcement when I got older. But they didn't care about all the things my parents said to me. They cared about all the past physical abuse I suffered. I told them time and time again that the physical things didn't matter. It was their constant cruel words that left the scars. But that wasn't their priority. I'd cry every night in my loneliness, curl up in a ball and imagine myself melting into the mattress and dissolving. All I ever did was read, to escape my own world. Wishing I could be in any of these books. I'd cut myself then run through the icy cold rain until I was numb, out of breath, and couldn't feel anything anymore. That's how I liked to feel: numb. Never liked drugs, the feeling scared me. I simply wanted to curl up and disappear. I attempted to drown myself a few times, but I realized I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain to go away. So now I endure it. I am getting through it day by day. Suffering the feeling of being unloved and not wanted. Psychologically I'm messed up. My idea of love is thrown off. I don't know what it feels like. I'm now 15 and a sophomore in high school. I push away anyone who tries to get close to me and open me up. I've tried having friends and boyfriends, but in the end I tell them I just can't do it. I tell them it's not their fault but that I just can't handle it right now. I'm always alone. It's hard for me to be around people. When people try to hug me I retreat. I just never experienced affection and am kind of afraid of it. In a little over two years I'll be able to move out. I promise myself if I get out of there I'll start over and learn how to love and be loved. I won't give up.  Note from Darlene: I welcome you to follow me on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I hope to hear from you there!Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.
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