Child Abuse Story From Tess H
by Tess H
(Kansas, USA)
I am a 42 year old black woman and I am realizing that I'm still suffering a great deal of pain from the abuse that I was subjected to when I was growing up. Although I have been vocal about what took place I still feel as if no one really cares and that people feel that I should be over it by now...or I hear everyone has a story or I hear the past is the past, which these points are true, however I still am haunted by the things that happened to me and my sister to this day but I have disguised my pain to not look weak to others for years.
My abuse started with watching my mother who was a teen mother of 4 girls abuse my sister that is a year younger than me, she was more verbally abusive towards me but was more physical towards her I had to be like 3 years old and my sister 2 we were taking a bath together and she peed in the water my mother slammed her under the water and I just remember my sister struggling and me screaming for her to stop and she did my sister was taken to the hospital and I don't remember much else about that particular night, I just remember my mother throwing us in scalding hot showers calling us horrible names and that was just the beginning. She was married to a this man that was in the army and that was over 30 years older than her and she also had my two youngest sisters by him. I thought he was my father but he wasn't he ended up being the first man to molest me and I had to be about five when it started he would actually try to penetrate me and he would tell me to lick him and touch him and he would also fondle my private areas...very long story short...basically my mother ended up leaving him and leaving my two younger sisters with him..who we ended up not seeing until we became adults..but I ended up being molested by a man my grandmother was with an old dirty man that smoked cigars I was around 6 or 7 then my other sisters father then my natural fathers stepson who was in his 20's and I was 10 and recovering from a virus that paralyzed me that was the first time I was actually penetrated and he placed a bathroom plunger over my face as he did it. There is so much I'm leaving out the story is just too long we were passed around from home to home and only stayed with our mother here and there and when we were with her it was short lived and all she did was call us horrible names and tell us how we made her life miserable. I got pregnant at 14 and 15 and had a boy and a girl. I was not the greatest mother but I was protective and I sure wasn't abusive I just went into a survival mode trying to keep a roof over our heads I left their father because he was physically abusive and from that point on its just been a roller coaster...I never got in to drugs or alcohol but I started looking for love in all the wrong places...I always seemed to pick men that were unloving and cold towards me...I have always felt cursed or like I am damaged goods I feel an internal paralysis...I find it hard to even function I don't even know how I have come this far..I have truly tried to forgive everyone that took a part in the abuse in my life...but somehow I can't get rid of this pain I feel this pain I have to keep concealed so that I don't run people away from me my adult life I have pretended to be a strong person but behind closed doors weak...I don't know what to do my heart always feels like its gonna explode there are so many things happening in this world that trigger my pain.I apologize for this fragmented story but its so much to tell it would truly be a book...I just want to get myself right so that I can truly help someone that is going through or that has gone through similar situation...I just want to put this pain away for good it rules my life..I am secretly destroying myself. I get these bursts of motivation and then I get paralyzed again. I have so much love in my heart that wasn't accepted and I have been on a quest for acceptance, stability and love all of my life can anyone understand this?
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