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Child Abuse Story From Tanya

by Tanya
(United Kingdom)

Abuse in the Family: 
My grandpa, my mom's dad sexually abused me from the age of 5 years old. My mom had me when she was very young, I think she was about 17 or something, so my grandpa wasn't really that old but I guess that's not the point.

My mom and I still lived with my grandparents. The abuse started when my mom was going to work. My grandma had gone out with friends that night, which left my grandpa to babysit me. On that night he tucked me in bed and gave me a toy. He said I was a very special girl and I deserved a special present. He told me to hug my toy tightly, and that's when he began to touch me. I didn't understand what my grandpa did was wrong at such a young age but I knew I didn't like it. When it was over he kissed my cheek and told me we played a special game and it was to be a secret.

My grandpa continued to abuse me but only when he had me alone. He would continue to give me toys when he hurt me.

When I was 10 I realised what my grandpa did to me was wrong, and for a while I let him do what he wanted to, because I was afraid. But then I wanted it all to stop and I told my teacher what was happening. Social Services got involved and I was taken away from my mom. They thought she was involved in the abuse inflicted on me, and although I kept saying she wasn't they still kept her away from me. Somehow a few months later I guess my mom went to court and tried to get me out of the care home Social Services had put me in. The judge never let me out of there but allowed my mom supervised access to me. When my mom would visit I would beg her to get me out of there. I remember looking at my mom, at how helpless she looked whenever she left me behind after our visits.

A year later the court case against my grandpa happened. I gave evidence against my grandpa but thankfully I didn't have to give it in front of the whole court. When the case ended the judge allowed me to go back home to my mom and charged my grandpa.

I got a lot of counselling after that. Things began to look up for me until I turned 13. My mom admitted to me that my grandpa did the same thing to her what he did to me. I got angry at first. I ran out of the house thinking 'how could she leave me alone with him when he'd done to me what he'd done to her?' After that day I slipped up. I ran away from home on numerous occasions and even cut school. I started to hang around with the wrong people. I took drugs and had sold myself for sex with random men. I began to get very violent as well and even lashed out at my mother.

Things went from bad to worse after that, until I hit rock bottom one day - the police arrested me. After that day I admitted to myself that I needed help. I got back into counselling and slowly the sweet girl I was came back. I felt bad at what I did to my mom. I went back home after a while and I sat down with my mom and apologised for everything I did to her. She broke out in tears and started to apologise too. My mom and I moved out of my grandparents' house after that and both my mom and I went for counselling, both separately and together too.

I'm still in counselling, and I am 19. My grandpa wrecked my childhood. I hope he hasn't wrecked the rest of my life.

Darlene's comments to this "Child Abuse Story From Tanya" can be found below.

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Child Abuse Story From Tanya

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May 26, 2008
 Your grandfather no longer has the power...the power is now YOURS!
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Tanya, I want to first address your comment: "... for a while I let him do what he wanted to..." You did not LET your grandfather DO anything! HE did it all. HE was the one with all the power. HE took advantage of your trust and your youth and your vulnerabilities. HE stole your innocence in childhood. I suggest you read my article on this site titled Child Abuse: Dispelling 6 Myths About Self Blame. But, Tanya, the man who was supposed to be a loving, nurturing supportive influence in your life, the man who took so much away from you, no longer has power over you, unless you give it up to him. He cannot wreck the rest of your life, unless you allow that to happen. Right now you are taking healthy steps to ensure that does not happen.

Your mother was a child herself, but regardless, she was your mother. Her job was to protect you, especially from the man she knew from personal experience was a child molester; that must have felt so betraying. She neglected you instead of keeping you safe from harm. Her neglect and betrayal left you in a tailspin of self-destructive behaviours as a teen. You are now both in counselling, together and separately, so together the two of you can begin the process of healing.

I am appalled at how long it took for your mother to move you out of your grandparents' home. I question whether or not the environment there was a healthy one, even if your grandfather was no longer in the house. I can't imagine the emotional turmoil in the house (I take it your grandmother was still around) when your grandfather was being tried for child abuse. Your mother needs to learn how to make better choices. I hope for her sake that counselling helps her with this.

You, Tanya, are an amazing young woman. You have triumphed over sexual abuse, drug abuse, promiscuity, and a host of other detrimental and injurious behaviours. You realized at such a young age that you needed help, and you weren't afraid to get that help. Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back. I commend and applaud you! I also wish you and your mother all the best along your road toward healing and recovery. You're both worth it.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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