Child Abuse Story From T Part 2

by T
(Maryland, USA)

So where were my parents when all of this was going on? Working mostly. My parents either left my sister and I with my brother, or home alone. They made sure that there was food in the house of course but being unattended at a young age just wasn't smart. After my little sister was born we pretty much took care of her, my older sister and I. We never had a babysitter, I was 7 and my sister was 10 when my little sister was born. We pretty much did what we wanted while our parents were at work. We ran the streets, hung out with friends, all the while toting a little baby in a stroller. I am surprised, now, looking back that we were never never harmed by perverts (besides family)-- although there was one incident of a man trying to lure us into his truck while we were walking to school one day. Anyway, when my parents were home my dad use to yell at us all the time for everything, he use to call us names (not really bad names though) my mom used to make us do housework and stuff. I was in charge of ironing her uniforms for work-- she was a nurse. We had to clean the house from top to bottom.. at least we were expected to.. my sister and I didn't listen all the time... the house was usually a mess.. and occasionally we would take a beating for it. One day my mom got fed up with our disobedience and she said she didn't want us anymore. she grabbed a phone book and said she was looking for an adoption agency to give us to. I was about 8 yrs old at the time. I was afraid, I cried and begged my mom to keep us, that we would do better but she didn't want to hear it. I know now that it was a scare tactic to make us do housework or whatever but I didn't know that at the time. I was a child who was being molested, who felt unloved by parents who were never home. So, I hid in the closet and called my brother and his girlfriend and told him that mom didn't want us anymore and that she was going to put us up for adoption. My mom was upset that I had called him and eventually the situation blew over. But the effects of the situation had a lasting effect on me. I felt in my heart that my mom didn't love me, I couldn't trust her.. I made my mind up that I would never tell her about the abuse... and i never did. My parents were not the affectionate type. I don't remember a single hug or kiss from either of them nor have they ever said "i love you". So what about other family?

My grandparents and relatives weren't the nicest people. When we visited them I witnessed my grandfather, aunts, and uncles beat on my cousins. I was constantly afraid that I would do something that would make them beat me too, so I became the "good child". I did what I was told when I was there. But witnessing my cousins getting beat was horrifying for me, I use to hide and cry hysterically sometimes. One time I was standing next to my cousin when her father/my uncle took a plastic toy sword and hit her across the face with it... because she asked him if we could watch cartoons.. we were 4yrs old. I remember crying and telling my aunts, older cousins,and grandmother what he did... they laughed at me... made it seem like it was normal discipline... I knew it was wrong, they wouldn't listen, and they didn't do anything about it... my cousin had a red welt across her face. I never trusted another adult after that. Also my grandmother, who was normally in charge of us when we were at her house, wouldn't feed us while we were there. she would cook food for everybody but my sister and i were not allowed to eat. she once gave me a piece of molded bagel with butter because i came to her and told her i was hungry... I ate it anyway.. She was a mean old woman.. and my grandfather.. a mean old man. We never told our parents everything about those years when we visited them regularly although we have told them some stuff after we became adults.

The sexual abuse from my sister and cousins, the neglect from parents and grandparents, and meaness experienced from other relatives as a child has effected me in a negative way. I became depressed at 13 yrs old and thought of committing suicide, I started cutting myself, I dropped out of school when I was 15 yrs old. I developed eating disorders at 16yrs old-- borderline anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, you name it. The past few years that I have been with my boyfriend, I struggle with anxiety, i guess, during sex. I don't know what it is. Everytime wwe have sex I feel like he is raping me even though he is not.. but those old feelings come back.. like i'm 6 yrs old again. Sometimes I feel like he can sense this in me.. he asks but I am too embarassed and ashamed to tell him.

My relationship with my parents and siblings, nowadays, is pretty much average, we are close but I still can not talk to them about the abuse I went through as a child. I wanted to get help.. like talk to a counselor when I was around 15 yrs old but my parents refused because they didn't feel like I needed to but they didn't know all of what i had been through. So i never got help. Now I don't really have a need to, I just want to forget everything and move on with my life.

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