Child Abuse Story From Suz

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Child Abuse Story From Suz

by Suz
(USA)

I am a 36 year old female. My brother was 34. When we grew up my dad was very bad to us. He was a typical bully. We were called stupid and worthless and he threatened to kill us a lot. We tried to keep him in a good mood all the time. We had to do everything perfect and act busy our whole growing up lives. My mom my brother and I were always too scared to turn him in or leave because we thought he would kill us all. He wasn't always bad, but when he was bad it was bad.

I feel old, I can't believe I have to be on one of these sites now...I've had a lot of counseling. My dad never really hit me, he would just chase us and tell us he would kill us- you stupid sob...etc...but he hit my brother a lot. One time my mom and i came home and my brother was all bruised up on his face and neck like my dad had choked him. I originally got on here to try to find out if my brother could have passed out when my dad did that to him. He was only about 12 or 13 years old. My brother killed himself last month by hanging. He had anxiety forever and since this has happened I am always at 20 years ago, when we were about 14.

I thought this stuff was just old crap that we got over, but now everything is very raw and it's like it all does matter now. I don't want to be around my dad at all. I don't want to forgive him just because he is old. I'm innately still scared of him. I don't really care if he kills himself (albeit, he cries about this happening with my brother). But I don't want to comfort him at all. Even though he hasn't acted bad to us because we don't go around him and we have our own lives now, since we were about 20 and left the house. I'm still saying we (like my brother is still alive)...I still get counseling and am on suicide grief sites etc.

It also makes me kind of mad that it's like my counselor takes our past more serious now that my brother killed himself. I can't believe this is my life.

I miss my brother so much, he was an excellent, neat person. I would rather have my brother here than my dad, that is for sure. :(

thanks for listening

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach

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Child Abuse Story From Suz

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Jan 29, 2010

Such heartbreak...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Oh, Suz, my deepest condolences over the loss of your brother. He was in so much pain that he couldn't deal with it any longer. Taking his own life has left you with his unbearable pain. Add to that a reawakening of your own pain and the knowledge of who was responsible for it all, and you have a perfect storm of raw emotions to deal with. What you're experiencing now is so understandable. I do hope you'll stay in counselling. As angry as you are with the direction and lack of direction that counselling has taken in the past, what's important is the direction it's taking now. And continued distancing from your father may well be necessary for your healing, Suz, as is allowing yourself to feel the anger and hostility toward your father. Distancing and allowing myself to feel the deep profound rage were necessary to my healing all those years ago, so don't feel guilty about that. Do what's necessary for your own emotional health and well-being. You deserve that, Suz. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jan 29, 2010

The cruelty of a Father: Oh you need to love and be loved
by: maurice

Suz, reading your story made me quite angry with your Father each line I read. Your truthful telling will set you free that is for sure. Darlene has given you word's of HOPE. take them on. ACT on them, She has written them from her heart to you. Don't give up on yourself, stay strong, Keep your brothers memory alive by living your life to the full. The loss of your brother is hurting, as it brings back awful memories of that pathetic Father Figure who frightend the living day lights out of you both and indeed your Mother. He was a freak, a crazy man, a sick man who controlled you all with an iron fist. He never hit you but he did a lot worse he distroyed your childhood. Get far from him, distance yourself while you get healing and help from a counsellor/therapist. All I will say take ownership of your life and Darlene's words to you in her comment. Suz, you are beautiful, you are an intelligent woman with great potential to have a great life in memory of your Brother. Let him be your inner strength to LOVE THE ME in the mirror. build up your own self esteem, your self image. making real and beautiful the me in the mirror. I can: I will: I must: because I am worth it. Darlene and all her visitors who read your story emphatise with you in your pain. We love you. I pray GOD will bless you in his unconditional LOVE for you.

Jan 29, 2010

Sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

Suz, your dad is wrong. You are not stupid, you are smart and articulate. What he did to you, your mom and your brother was and still is pathetic and ungrateful. You guys deserved so much better than that sick excuse of a man because you guys did nothing wrong. Oh, and I am so sorry that you lost your brother to hanging. May he rest in peace. Have you tried counselling?

Jan 30, 2010

Getting through the grief and anger
by: Anonymous

Suz, I am so very sorry to hear about your brother. I can only imagine the pain that he was feeling to bring him to that point in his life. For you dear, may God bless you. I know that you probably feel that God hasn't been there for you by letting you endure this nightmare, but He is there. A very hard lesson that I am learning at the age of 37 is that for me to have happiness in my life and to keep my life on track is to forgive the people who have wronged me. God talks about it through out the Bible. Forgiveness and love. I know it might seem hard to even think about doing this, but in all honesty it has to be done. It might take years or not, but if you want to be free, truly free from the pain and sorrow that your father has caused you, you need to forgive him. Your father doesn't care that you hate him, and your only hurting yourself by not forgiving him, and you are only letting your father control you further. You are awesome and strong. You have shared your story with people and to do that not only helps others who deal with the same issues, but also helps you heal. I pray that you have a relationship with God, and if you don't that you might look to find one. I also pray that you may have the happiness that you deserve.

Jan 30, 2010

wow
by: suz

I was presently surprised to see my story posted and all the responses. I thought it was far too hopeless and distressing.
Thank you so much Darlene for your time and thought. My pain is truly re-awakened, to my surprise. I thought that depressing life we lived through was over. My brother and I were like a team in leaving it behind.. i thought. My brother did try to get counseling, but was only put on zanex, which he took for upwards of 10 years. His main use was alcohol and it cost him so much.
One of the main things we were constantly reminded of when we were young I think is murder. It is so terrible. So anti-life. Sometimes I think my brother had a lot of pent-up rage (even though he was a very caring, kind person). When he got mad, he was afraid he could hurt someone. I think this is one of the many reasons that my brother took this route, but also I know he felt like a burden. It makes me so sad, I wish I could just give him a big hug.
I bet I have a lot of rage as well, but I never feel like I have it.. I don't know where it is... I do know that I avoid confrontations at all costs always in any aspect in my life. I tell myself I only want to be around good-hearted people and I drop people like a fly if they show me they are not, instead of ever confronting anything. This is how I protect myself, but I am not sure if it is right. My support system is very small, but excellent. I do and will continue to keep seeing my therapist.
It is true, I have felt abandoned by god for years. I can no longer have faith in such a thing. So although I appreciate any well-wishes for that, I feel that to lean on religion is not educated. Not for me anyway. I stay in the belief of a spirit world where there is only love and that is enough to keep me at peace.
Thank you all for so much kindness, I am truly grateful
and this forum has helped me feel less isolated and alone.
xo
Suz

Jan 31, 2010

We have something in common
by: Brenda

I feel so close to your pain. I have a similar situation. Although unlike your brother my sister had bullied me through out her life. She too though was in pain like myself. Her role model was my dad, a big bully. He would hit me, call me stupid and told me he would kill me as he beat me with a belt buckle. Made comments that I would never amount to anything. My sister became obese, depressed, when she got older. Not much of a life. She abused many drugs like xanax, pain pills, and antidepressants to escape her pain. She died 1 year and half ago. Since then my pain of the past has come rushing back. Memories and flash backs run through my mind continuously. You see no matter what my dad did to her she excused his behavior. They had an odd relationship. Some what like an abused wife that makes excuses all the time. My dad didn't talk to me for six months after her death and periodically when we did talk after that, he was hard sounding in his voice. He has treated me as if it was my fault for my sisters death. I went to counseling since I was 18 for the pain my dad inflicted on me. I moved out of the house when I turned 18 too. And I have gone on and off since then. I am think of going back again. I have called a few to get an appointment. My wish for both of us is to feel joy and peace within ourselves. My thought right know is that we only have one life to live and I want the rest of my life to be happy and joyful. We deserve that. We are not bad people. We were never given the chance to be nurtured and loved. Thank you for sharing.

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Child Abuse Story From Suz

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Child Abuse Story From Suz