Child Abuse Story From Susan J

by Susan J
(Ohio, USA)

I have read so much on sexual abuse and rape and incest but I still don't feel like I understand why I feel bad about it. This is me finally saying what happened out loud instead of analyzing it in my head, because I don't think I will ever understand why I feel like I do. But at least I know I am not alone.

It started when I was 7 or 8. I think it was just a couple of incidents, but I can still remember. It was with my 13-year-old cousin. We (him, me and my 2 brothers) were playing in a bedroom under the covers. It was dark. We were laughing so hard and we stopped to rest. For some reason my cousin and I were apart from the others (it was a king sized bed). I remember him pulling up my skirt and pulling down my underwear. I was helping him do this. I even helped him do what he wanted by guiding him. It's weird that I knew what to do without him even saying anything. A few days later he tried to make me touch him and he also tried to touch me inappropriately. I was feeling really uncomfortable by then because he kept touching me, but I knew I could never tell anyone. I can't remember many other incidents, but there would have been lots of opportunities for him to do things and I don't know where I could have learned where his penis was supposed to go.

I was also molested at eleven by an uncle, and after that I became heavily into porn. It was like an addiction. I liked child pornography because the kids seemed to like it and it made me feel more normal and a little less guilty, like the things that I did weren't bad because other people did them. I know that kids don't like being in porn and I don't watch kiddy porn anymore. But after about 3 years of porn, thinking of little kids responding positively to sex and other abnormal sexual behavior still turns me on.
And my stepdad raped me and I got pregnant. I am no longer living with him or the baby, but I still can't forget about it.

I am mad about the way these people made me feel, like I was powerless and I can still remember feeling isolated from other good people because they didn't do these types of things. I was also Catholic, and sex happens to be wrong.

To this day I am deathly afraid of the dark because I know there are demons there that I can't see if the light is not on. I can't sleep properly. I am always looking over my shoulder. I can't love anyone and I can't trust the people I should trust. I do not feel comfortable around grown males or other people. I bathe and clean myself and my room obsessively. I have horrible nightmares and flashbacks.

After reading other stories I feel better. I am always trying to find other people who know how I feel because I feel so isolated and I have no one to talk to. I feel like I'm normal and not just overreacting like everyone thinks I am. I don't live with my son because people thought I would be able to cope if he wasn't around, but someday I have to take care of him and I hope that by that time I will be able to forget.

The scariest thing is I can understand why someone would touch a child in a sexual way, but I will not ever do that to someone. I don't think any child should be touched the way I was or be made to feel like I did.

Right now I am trying to forgive myself and I still wish I hadn't told on my dad because now everything is screwed up. Everything is different with my siblings and other family members because they don't understand. Their advice and quotes and sayings just don't help. It is a lot harder to "look on the bright side" or "just forget". I have tried to kill myself twice because "I couldn't get over it" or "act like a kid". And I am still trying to see myself as a child because after 8, I never felt like I was able to be a child; I was always worrying about someone finding out and God hating me.

I think I need a therapist or counseling or something now and I will seek help because no one should have to do it alone.

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