Child Abuse Story From So Confused

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Child Abuse Story From So Confused

by Name Undisclosed
(New Zealand)

My experience of abuse seems so small compared to what so many others had to endure. It almost feels like a crime that I have been so badly effected by this when there are all these people who have suffered real abuse.

I'm one of nine children. We used to go to church every Sunday, just us kids. We would walk the hour there and back. I was 3 or 4 when I started going.

There was a man at the church who used to give the kids piggy-backs around the courtyard at morning tea time. He really liked me, and always chose me to help him put the chairs away. At first, from what I can remember, he would always cuddle me and tell me I was special. He would ask to kiss my hands and I always said yes. I liked being special. We would close the big sliding door and lock it so the other kids didn't try and come in...he said I was the only child he loved. I felt so proud. We would take rests in between stacking the chairs and just cuddle. Sometimes we'd take our clothes off because he said the best hugs are when you can feel your skin together.

I don't think it was until I was closer to 5 that he started to touch me. At first it was ok, but then sometimes it hurt, and I didn't want to be special anymore. He told me his heart would be so sad if I didn't help him with the chairs, and he asked me to let him be happy...so I just let him do anything to me. If I started to cry, he would just say, "You want me to be happy, don't you?" Sometimes he'd get angry at me and tell me I wasn't his little girl anymore and he was going to find a new special girl. Then I would stop messing around and behave for him. We stopped going to church a year or so later, and so it ended.

I've never told anyone before...I feel so guilty because I liked it...it's not abuse if you like it, is it? My life feels so empty without him. I shouldn't be feeling like this.

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Child Abuse Story From So Confused

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May 21, 2008

Your feelings are NOT small and NOT a crime...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Let me be clear here: You were DEFINITELY abused, physically, sexually and emotionally. You have every reason to feel confused. This adult perverted male took you, a precious 5-year-old little girl who needed so badly to feel special, (not at all unusual in many families, let alone a family with so many children) and used your needs to deceive you in the worst possible way. You didn't LET him do anything; he was the adult with all the power. Five-year-olds don't have any power, and they certainly don't LET themselves be sexually assaulted. You're confused about this. You are attaching adult values to what you think of as decisions you made as a 5-year-old. You were manipulated; you weren't in a position to be able to make a choice about what he was doing to you. Would you really expect a 5-year-old daughter of yours to be able to consent to sexual activity? I sincerely doubt it. So why would you expect that of yourself at 5 years of age?

And of course it felt good, both emotionally and sexually; as I stated above, he was fulfilling deep-seeded needs in you. But even when the body betrays, even when children find the sensations "feel good," it is still sexual assault when an adult (or an older child) takes such advantage.

Please read through the following pages on this site for more information about how sex offenders operate and about being victimized; the information might help you gain perspective:

Regarding the "emptiness" you are feeling, I suspect those feelings are of no longer feeling and being treated "special."

You need help dealing with the emotional turmoil you're experiencing, and help putting these terrible experiences into proper perspective. You didn't say how old you are. If you are still a minor, talk to someone about what you are feeling: a teacher, school counsellor, a trusted adult. TELL about what this man did to you. He is likely still sexually molesting other little girls; sex offenders do not change their ways. If you're an adult, I strongly urge you to enter into some form of therapy. Even if you are a minor, if therapy is available to you, take advantage of the resource. You're worth getting this kind of help for yourself.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

May 21, 2008

You will always be special - even when you don't feel that way
by: Anonymous

Hi. My wife has suffered emotional and physical abuse as a child, and I am becoming more aware of just how damaging this is to a person. Sexual abuse carries its own complications. I agree wholeheartedly with what Darlene has said. You must find quality therapy. Quality therapy will manifest itself by two things - truth and love. Just because your therapist doesn't say "I love you", doesn't mean that she (preferably you should have a female counselor) doesn't. You will know it by her actions - little things like listening carefully to you, not assuming she knows what you mean or feel, but making sure that she understands, and challenging wrong thinking or beliefs on your part, even when it hurts. This is part of truth. You must realize that your feelings of emptiness and worthlessness are not facts. I am a Christian, and know that if you were the only person on earth to ever have lived, God still loved you enough to die for you on a cross. His opinion is that you are worth more than the world itself - and is therefore true, regardless of how you were treated as a child. Take care, and remember that you are more special than you can ever imagine.

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Child Abuse Story From So Confused

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Child Abuse Story From So Confused