Child Abuse Story From Simply Me

Child Abuse Story From Simply Me

by Kel
(Utah, USA)

I am just me and I am very very proud of that fact. I'm a 14-year-old girl (so close to 15) who loves to read, hang out with my friends, surf the net, play video games, babysit, and be me! I am not a survivor of child abuse. It happened, and I hated it, but I choose to be me and not a survivor. I will not let that be me.

I was maybe seven when it happened...I don't really remember when it started. My brother molested me for about five years, so the details aren't all there.

I am the oldest girl out of a six kids. The next girl wasn't born until I was five, so I grew up with boys. We would always make up pretend lives and roles, like we were soldiers or something else that most girls my age weren't interested in. I loved playing with my older brothers and my younger one. It was fun.

When I was in first-grade, it stopped being so fun. My oldest brother, who was probably about 11 at the time, led me away from the other two, telling me that I had to be quiet because we were on a secret mission. We ended up in the bathroom, where he locked the door. I didn't think anything of it at first. Nothing happened the first few times, except him staring at me with a really weird expression.

About maybe the fifth or sixth time, he told me to get in the bathtub and close the curtains. I did not really understand. I stood there for a few minutes, then I felt someone come up behind me and put a hand up my shirt, pulling it off. I tried to scream, but he put his other hand over my mouth and hushed me. He turned me to face him, pinning me against the wall. I don't think he took off any of his clothes that time. All he did was kiss me and rub my chest.

Steadily, he would remove more clothing. Next were my pants, then my underwear, then his shirt, his pants, then finally there was no clothing between us.

The last time he did anything in the bathroom was the first time I saw his penis. I had seen my younger brothers' because we used to have to take baths together, to save time and water, and I had seen a neighbor's (he was 13) because he thought it was funny to flash me every time he saw me. It might have gotten to full-blown sex then, but I blocked most of it and can't remember much.

It never happened in the bathroom again, but every night, he would come in my room naked and make me play with his penis. He'd pinch my private parts and laughed when I cried out in pain. This continued until the summer before sixth grade. After that, he stopped and never said or did anything like that to me again.

I got over it for the most part. I can still laugh and smile. I never got depressed. I didn't need a therapist or counsellor to get stable. I stabilized myself and I'm pretty happy.

But notice I said "for the most part." There is still a part of me that won't let go. The part that gives me nightmares, the part that makes me sick to be touched for too long, the part that gives me a warning signal when a guy get's too close. The part that makes me human.

I apologize to you if you classify yourself as a survivor of abuse, but I honestly don't think that there is such a thing as a survivor of abuse. Abuse takes something away from everyone who has dealt with it. IT kills your heart and then leaves you a shell. Some people don't get over this, but it is possible to wake your heart up and move on, even if it is only a tiny itty bit, as long as you move on you'll be okay.

I think that because of what happened to me I am not the same girl I was before, during, or right after the abuse. I think that I was a different person during each stage. First an outgoing little girl who loved to talk, then a shy awkward kid, then a confused pre-teen with a mixed idea about sex, boys, and family. Now I'm simply me: a shy, read-aholic teenage girl who does horrible in school, can't stand to be touched by people I don't trust. A teen who can't wait to start a career in child care and raise a family. That's me now. A little of each person is still in me. I am really loud with friends. I'm shy around other kids my age. I don't really know how to feel about sex, my brother, and boys.

If you're reading this, thank you. Only my closest friends know about this, and I guess I did this because it feels good letting it out and telling my story.

Darlene's comments to this "Child Abuse Story From Simply Me" are at the link below.

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Child Abuse Story From Simply Me

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Mar 31, 2008

No labels...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

The fact that you refuse to label yourself is not a bad thing. But some counselling could help you with your nightmares and your trust issues with boys. A counsellor may be able to help you understand why you are doing so poorly in school. There are varying degrees of "moving on," Kel. But those degrees can be raised significantly with the help of a qualified therapist. There is no shame in needing and seeking out help. Indeed, admitting to needing help shows strength, not weakness.

I strongly recommend you tell someone what happened to you: a school counsellor, for example. I am concerned that your brother is molesting your other sisters, especially since he continued to molest you for 5 years.

I wish you all the best, Kel. You deserve to find peace and contentment in your life.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 31, 2008

You are a wise girl
by: Linda

When I read your story, I was surprised that you are only fourteen years old. That brother of yours made you grow up before you got to be a child. You are wise beyond your years. I like your attitude about your abuse, I guess everyone has their own ways of healing. I chose to be reclusive and hate the human race. You have your whole life ahead of you and I wish you well. Thank you for sharing your story.

Apr 04, 2008

Simply you is just fine
by: Elaine Riley

Kel,

I'm so impressed with the way that you handle yourself, and the way you have written in to share your experiences.

Darlene has done a very considerate job in providing a forum for individuals to share their experiences of abuse.

The way individuals communicate with each other is a very personal thing. We relate to our experiences in different ways, and use different words to talk about them. Like you, I find it strange to think of myself as a "survivor" of abuse. But that is only one of many, many ways of talking about our experiences.

After my abuse, I too thought that I would never again be the same person. I look back, and often cannot relate to what went on then, or even imagine how I had the strength to deal with it. Sometimes, the person I am now feels "detached" from the person I was then...

But I also relise that it WAS me, ALWAYS me. As we grow up, we all change, whether we are abused or not. We see more of the world, and adapt to make sense of new experiences. This journey is part of what makes us who we are.

Whether you see yourself as "surviving" abuse - that, to me, is a personal choice. The important thing is to focus on making sense of who you are now, and making the most of the life you have ahead.

Remember, there are many people who use this website who have a lot in common with you, no matter how they choose to identify themselves. We were abused as children, and as we get older, we must somehow come to terms with that experience, and try to get on with our lives.

Personally, I agree that abuse somehow takes away or destroys a little bit of us, and makes us change. But people are resilient, and you are proof of this. No matter what little bit gets taken away, you can always fill the gap. It is up to you whether you fill that gap with more pain; or whether you fill that gap with good experiences, a stronger you...

One day, it may help you to talk with someone (e.g. a Counsellor) about your past. This is not a sign of weakness. For the moment, you are happy just to be you, and that is great. What you write, shows me a young lady who is eager, excited about her future, has plans. But I also get glimpses of confusion; of someone who is sometimes still troubled by her past.

If you can find someone to confide in, someone to act as a "mentor", I reckon you may find that talking helps you make sense of these feelings. Your teachers, friends and anyone else you feel safe and able to trust should be there to help you achieve your goals in life.

By the way, with the right help, you may find that you can train in Child Care, and use your past experience of abuse to help other children. Sometimes it's useful to have a little "insider knowledge"! I trained as a Social Worker, because it was a way of using my past experience of abuse to benefit other people.

All the very best. You sound like a sensible, responsible young woman.

X Close Editor

Apr 04, 2008
Rating

Submitted by: Elaine Riley

Title

Comment
Kel, I'm so impressed with the way that you handle yourself, and the way you have written in to share your experiences. Darlene has done a very considerate job in providing a forum for individuals to share their experiences of abuse. The way individuals communicate with each other is a very personal thing. We relate to our experiences in different ways, and use different words to talk about them. Like you, I find it strange to think of myself as a "survivor" of abuse. But that is only one of many, many ways of talking about our experiences. After my abuse, I too thought that I would never again be the same person. I look back, and often cannot relate to what went on then, or even imagine how I had the strength to deal with it. Sometimes, the person I am now feels "detached" from the person I was then... But I also relise that it WAS me, ALWAYS me. As we grow up, we all change, whether we are abused or not. We see more of the world, and adapt to make sense of new experiences. This journey is part of what makes us who we are. Whether you see yourself as "surviving" abuse - that, to me, is a personal choice. The important thing is to focus on making sense of who you are now, and making the most of the life you have ahead. Remember, there are many people who use this website who have a lot in common with you, no matter how they choose to identify themselves. We were abused as children, and as we get older, we must somehow come to terms with that experience, and try to get on with our lives. Personally, I agree that abuse somehow takes away or destroys a little bit of us, and makes us change. But people are resilient, and you are proof of this. No matter what little bit gets taken away, you can always fill the gap. It is up to you whether you fill that gap with more pain; or whether you fill that gap with good experiences, a stronger you... One day, it may help you to talk with someone (e.g. a Counsellor) about your past. This is not a sign of weakness. For the moment, you are happy just to be you, and that is great. What you write, shows me a young lady who is eager, excited about her future, has plans. But I also get glimpses of confusion; of someone who is sometimes still troubled by her past. If you can find someone to confide in, someone to act as a "mentor", I reckon you may find that talking helps you make sense of these feelings. Your teachers, friends and anyone else you feel safe and able to trust should be there to help you achieve your goals in life. By the way, with the right help, you may find that you can train in Child Care, and use your past experience of abuse to help other children. Sometimes it's useful to have a little "insider knowledge"! I trained as a Social Worker, because it was a way of using my past experience of abuse to benefit other people. All the very best. You sound like a sensible, responsible young woman.

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May 14, 2008

great job!
by: kristy schultz

hi! my name is kristy schultz.my ex is olympic and world wrestling champ mark schultz.i was an extremely neglected and abused child,then went on to a sexually,physically,and mentally violent marriage,and our three kids suffered his abuse till i was brave enough to leave. i caught your story searching for the right authors and recourses to go public,through the media and a book.my daughter 13,will be suing him, as she suffers from the trauma still today. she, like you, wants to help other youth by sharing her story. you are a brave young lady,i only wish i had accepted and truly acknlowledged what was happening to me as a child, as i would not have let it continue into adulthood.great job- and thank you for sharing, and BEING YOU!!!!! love kristy

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Child Abuse Story From Simply Me

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Child Abuse Story From Simply Me