Child Abuse Story From Sandy

by Sandy
(Illinois, USA)

I was sexually abused by my oldest brother starting at the age of 7. One evening I was hanging out in his room and I sat next to him on his bed. He was 15. I remember him sliding his fingers into my shorts and telling me that I was like one of his girlfriends (who I of course admired; besides, I thought it was cool that he was paying attention to me).

The next night, I went into his room and sat next to him again. I was looking for the attention and I wanted to be his special girl. He slid his fingers in my shorts again. I did not wear any underwear so it would be easier for him. He was surprised and began fingering me. His friend came over and my brother told him what a big girl I was. How I let him do that to me. I remember thinking how cool I was to be in there with them. I really liked the attention.

I next remember him taking me in the bathroom when no one was home and making me suck his penis. He put toothpaste on it when I said it tasted bad. I still can't to this day brush my teeth with toothpaste. It makes my mouth numb. I think I blocked out what happened next. I remember waking up in an empty, freshly painted apartment in our apartment building (my dad was a maintenance man in an apartment complex and my brother worked with him). I was wearing only panties and an undershirt. My brother's friend was there. I don't know how I got there. But I remember my nipples were so red and hurt so bad. And every time I took a step on the carpet I was getting static electric shocks. Now, as an adult, I think they must have had me on the new carpet and my body must have been rubbing against it. I am afraid they raped me, and that I have blocked it out.

I did not tell anyone about it for 14 years. I told my mom when I was 21. It caused a lot of pain and fighting. She has not confronted my brother yet, nor have I. But after I told my mom, my brother disappeared. We did not see him for 11 years. I blamed myself that someone told him. I still feel a need to protect him for some dumb reason. We were reunited with him 3 years ago, but do not see him regularly. He told my mom that he knows something happened between us, but he does not know what? I don't know if I believe it. I don't know if I can ever confront him.

Today I went to the doctor for irregular menstrual bleeding. The paperwork the doctor had me fill out asked if I had been sexually abused. I marked no. I just could not mark yes.

I found out that the friend that was with my brother was in prison for sexually abusing a family member, his daughter, I think. I pray my brother has never hurt anyone else.

It has been 30 years. I think about it every day. One thing I have never heard anyone say on this website that I struggle with is the fact that reading abuse stories sometimes turns me on. Is it because that was my first sexual experience? Is it because my abuse was not painful, but made me feel special? I would never abuse anyone. I have 3 kids, and the thought makes me just cringe if anyone hurt them.

I was also assaulted by a man I was babysitting for. I was spending the weekend with them. I was asleep. He came into the room and lifted up the blankets. He began licking my vagina. I was 11. The room was dark. I had my period. I am not sure he realized. He went out into the hall, and I heard his wife say, "You have blood on your face." He replied, "I just scratched myself." I can't believe that she didn't think that was weird.

The next morning, he tried to massage my shoulders. I yelled at him, and his wife scolded me and said that was not nice. I apologized and said I did not feel good. She took me home later that day. They never called me to babysit again.

Then in high school, I had a teacher who took me home with him while his wife was on vacation. It was the summer after graduation. I thought he was a good friend, a mentor. He was helping me with financial aid for school. He had given me a $500 check for graduation. While sitting on his couch, he leaned over and started kissing me. I stopped him and he apologized, but I felt more violated then than ever before. I really thought I was special to him, but it became obvious, not so much.

I have been married 17 years to a great guy. He is wonderful to me. But I still look for approval from sex. We had some problems about 8 years ago, and I had multiple affairs. I just felt so loved that others wanted me sexually. I know it is wrong. But I also feel it part of being sexually abused. I don't think I would cheat on my husband again. But it is day by day.

I hope my story has helped someone. I think it will help me.

Darlene's reply: Sandy, your brother misused his power. He took advantage of your naivete and your vulnerabilities. Of course you wanted his approval and his attention; those are perfectly normal needs and wants from a sibling at that age, especially when that sibling is so much older. You would have seen that he had privileges as a 15-year-old boy that you may well have wanted for yourself. But the issue of siblings, how they interact, emotional and physical attachments, etc. is beyond the scope of this forum. While you didn't say if you were neglected by your parents, it should also be noted here that if you weren't getting your needs met by your parents, then you would have looked to get those needs met elsewhere, such as with your brother. Sandy, you were 7. There was no way for you to know and understand that what your brother and his friend did was wrong; nor did you have the power to stop either one of them. Besides, what your brother was physically doing to you actually felt good. It's very easy for a young child to connect what feels good sexually to a physical attachment; and to further imprint those feelings into sexual desire that follows into adulthood.

I commend you for your honesty, Sandy. Only WITH honesty and acknowledgement can change come about. And I sense that you want change.

The remainder of Darlene's comments to this "Child Abuse Story From Sandy" can be found below.

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