Child Abuse Story From S

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

I'm not sure when the abuse started...my earliest memories of something being wrong was when I was about 8 I think...

My Mum and Dad split up before I was born and my Mum met my abuser when I was 3 or 4. I remember feeling upset because he always shouted at me...I remember trying to be good but always getting shouted at. We moved to another country for a year with his work when I was 4...I was very upset to leave all my family. I remember he used to come into my room just before I fell asleep and check if I was asleep - I don't think anything happened then...I just remember being frightened of him.

We moved back home when I was 5 and things seemed ok - but I don't remember much at all until I was about 7 or 8. He used to tickle me a lot but it hurt sometimes...he liked being domineering. I used to sit on his knee watching TV and that's when he started putting his fingers between my legs. All I remember thinking was that it hurt. He used to do it when my mum was in the room - and I had to stop myself from wincing so my mum didn't see. This happened quite regularly - then I remember one day he told me to come upstairs after he'd gone to bed. I remember lying to Mum saying I was tired. I went upstairs and he did things in bed...I can't remember much, but remember him making me hold his penis. All I wanted was for it to stop, I felt so guilty as Mum was downstairs. She'd already gone through an awful time with her first marriage breaking up - I didn't want this one to fail...my younger brother was only about 2...I didn't want him to not have his father around like me.

The next morning he would come through and say what "we" did was wrong and I shouldn't say anything to Mum. I agreed but felt so guilty. Eventually after this happened a couple times more I told Mum. She was really understanding...but I just didn't want to tell anyone else...I didn't want them to split up...I just wanted it to stop.

It did stop for a while...then when he was drinking...he'd start getting all amorous. I don't remember how long this went on for...he made me kiss him sometimes...and sometimes held up my top and touch and kiss my breasts.

I think one day though...maybe when I was about 14 or 15...I had enough...I told him myself to stop and stood up to him. I talked back, which he hated...he shouted and glared at me...but I was determined not to let him get to me...

So...it all stopped, I grew up more...went to University...started having sexual relationships...it was always sore...I just felt useless...damaged goods.

Eventually I started telling my close friends what had happened - bit by bit over the years...and it has made it better. I no longer feel ashamed of it...

My mum and step dad split up a few years back...and there's a whole other story behind that...but I am closer than ever now to my mum and brothers...

I don't blame my mum for not leaving him. We had no money and now we have all made a fantastic life for ourselves...I have a really successful life and so have all my brothers. My step dad however, is just a sorry state of affairs.

I feel that I have healed a lot from my experiences...the only thing I still feel I struggle with is intimacy. My longest relationships have ended up being platonic after a few months because after the initial lust wears off I struggle to form more intimate bonds. I would cry having sex and it would freak my boyfriends out because they didn't want to hurt me. I have found someone now though who is really really supportive - but I still struggle to enjoy sex for what I want, and not just to make him happy.

There are times when my boyfriend tries to start sexual contact and I freeze, feel like I just want to throw him off...if I try to ignore this feeling and get into it, it's fine and I really enjoy it. However, it sometimes makes me feel like maybe I don't want to have sex, etc. It's started to cause issues...not with him as he's been very supportive, but with me.

I think I need to learn to stop feeling responsible and guilty for everything...I will get there...and I think just writing about this today has helped. I'm not sure I will ever be one of these people who just gets carried away with the moment and throws themselves wholeheartedly into a relationship or situation because I am always just too cautious.

The best advice I would give anyone having been through this type of experience is to talk...and not feel ashamed. It's not you who is weird, or wrong...it's your abuser. They may never be able to heal themselves as they take out on others...we can heal - I promise. x

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