Child Abuse Story From Ruthanne

by Ruthanne
(Michigan, USA)

Well, to say I'm nervous to write this would be a huge understatement, but here goes anyway. I am a victim of sexual child abuse. From age 6 to age 8 every day after school I was dropped off at a friend's house to be babysat until my mother returned home from work. My abuser was my friend's father. He would have both me and my friend, also age 6, perform sexually for him. Often we had to join in normal childhood "games" that had been sexually twisted by my abuser. Over time he began to "reward" me for good behavior by attempting to give me sexual pleasure. I was anally and vaginally assaulted to the point of leaving behind scarring. As a result I became a rather "strange" child as my family and teachers labeled me. Unfortunately, I also had an alcoholic father at home and an unstable family situation, so any odd behavior was believed to be a result of my family.

As awful as I feel to say it, I became obsessed with sex. The little pleasure he had given me left me all screwed up. I was also told by this man that if my father at home wasn't also assaulting me, then he must not love me. According to my abuser, "Daddy's teach their little girls how to be grown ups." Considering the way things were at home, this made PERFECT sense to me. My father certainly wasn't sexually assaulting me, but at the same time he certainly didn't seem to love me or my family. I was also told that if I ever told ANYONE then I would be taken away from my family and I would be in a lot of trouble.

Often I would wish that my abuser would just die. I would fantasize that when I got dropped off at his house my friend would tell me he'd died in a car accident. Then, two years after I stopped having to go to his house, my abuser died of cancer. I was terrified. I had wished that man dead every other day for years, and he died. Needless to say, by the time I entered the fifth grade, I was pretty screwed up in the head and had not spoken to anyone of the abuse.

Funny part is, I've learned to deal with my past...it's my present that has me worried. Now, at 20 years old, I STILL have lasting behaviors and knee-jerk reactions that I developed as an abused child. I began to tell friends and family about what happened, but it's a messy uncomfortable subject for most and I have no one to talk to. I can't afford a therapist, and even my own mother refuses to speak with me on the subject. I feel terribly alone and don't know if my lasting problems are normal or if they will work themselves out over time. I still can't say certain sexual words or slang for genitalia without feeling ashamed or even afraid. I get stuck...I'll stop mid sentence if I stumble upon a use for a "bad" word, and I can't get the word out. I still have episodes where I "go dead" as I call it. I just kinda zone out and it becomes very hard for anyone to get my attention. I just feel...numb. Other times I feel and act as though I'm once again six years old, naive and promiscuous at the same time.

If anyone has been abused or knows someone who has been abused and experienced anything like this, I would greatly appreciate a comment. I'm hoping to begin a thorough healing process, but I'm not sure where to start...

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