Child Abuse Story From Ruhaan

by Ruhaan
(Mumbai, India)

I found this site accidentally. For the last couple of years I have spent hundreds of hours sitting at home, working when I want to and rest of the time being sad, indecisive and wondering what to do with life. This has been adding to my frustration. I am 27 and my friends, family and colleagues have often described me as one the most intelligent persons they have came across. So heres the situation....I am spending days and months doing nothing and not knowing what to do with all the so-called 'intelligence' that I seem to possess. I have somehow managed to maintain my career on track however personally I am f***ed up --unpredictable, angry from within, a bit of a loner...When I started reading stories on this site, I felt like I have found something that I had held very close to myself and I want to share it with somebody who can relate to it. It is different from seeing a psychotherapist, which I have done before and found somewhat not-so-useful.

I have gone through sexual abuse throughout my childhood...sometimes subtly and sometimes very explicitly. When I was 11, I loved playing cricket with the boys of my neighborhood. There were these two boys ((s and G)who were national champions of swimming and used to join us occasionally. Their parents did not allow them to play with the rest of the boys because they thought the boys were a bad influence . Father of these two boys, was always friendly with me and would always praise me saying "this boy is so quiet, well grown" etc etc. One Sunday I called S & G to check whether they would want to play cricket. Mr. M (father) picked up the phone and said his children had gone out with their mum but are expected anytime soon. He asked me to come over if I wanted and spend some time watching cricket on TV. I agreed and went to their place.

After watching TV for sometime, I said I wanted to go home. Mr. M said okay and as I got up from the sofa patted on my butt saying "cute boy". I turned around and smiled shyly when he held my hand and asked me to sit close to him. Hesitantly I sat close to him, and without me realizing he started kissing me. It was strange, this man was using his tongue a lot and it made me feel pukish. I had closed my eyes all this while, he went ahead n took off all my clothes and then he stripped down to tiny briefs......it was very painful when he tried to insert himself....in my anus. I was afraid of crying. I kept quiet which made him feel that I was okay with what was happening...I was devastated. I could not get up, could not walk. He took me to the shower and repeated everything once more. After that it became a routine. It went on for two more years. On one instance there were more than 3 of his drunk colleagues who took rounds in playing with me.

My life has never been the same thereafter. I have never told this and other instances to anyone. I will never tell. I feel I cant trust anyone. I cant share my innermost feelings with anyone.

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