Child Abuse Story From Rita

by Rita
(New York, USA)

A Child's Innocence Taken Away... 
I told my story before, but never on paper. From what I understand, I was five, which would make my oldest brother 15. I remember him telling me to come downstairs where he slept. I remember us going under the sheets. I felt comfortable yet a little weird but not enough to go upstairs. Then I remember him taking out his penis and I performed oral sex on him. I kept on asking if I could stop I was getting tired, but he kept saying no a little longer. My neck hurt and I wanted to stop. I hate to admit this because it makes me feel so dirty and disgusting inside, but it felt natural at the time to ask him to touch me, if he could put his penis inside me. Of course I am so thankful he said no because that would hurt, he said. Was he not already doing that?

Through the years, I recall smaller things happening like having me under the blanket with him and his girlfriend while he was touching her. He had to be at least 18 years of age then. Another time I was under the bed, they were fooling around, she told my brother I was under there and he said do not move, and they continued.

When I was 10 for some reason it all came back to me. It was strange, but I guess I blocked it out for a while. I quite often felt uneasy and anxious. I decided this all might just go away if I tell my mom what had happened. I was so scared I did not know if she would be mad or tell me that it was okay because it was my brother. I really did not know what to think but I was so fearful, of course, no one was to know. I started to cry and I could not say it so I hand gestured it telling with whom. I must say I've been through a lot in my life, but even at age 32 that was one of my worst terrifying moments in my life.

She refused to believe it. She told me I was dreaming, that my brother could never do such a thing. I was in hysterics. I could not believe her reaction and the anger she was having towards me. As she yelled at me she said never ever, tell anyone about this and especially your father because he will kill him. Oh my god, what did I do. How could this be happening to me? I just wanted to die! Please God make her stop screaming and crying so I can stop. As she walked away from me, she made this comment to herself hoping that I would not have problems with men someday.

At 13, I could not get my mom's comment out of my head. Problems? What does that mean? That I would be afraid to be with a guy? Well I had to find out. I needed to know. I gave my boyfriend my so-called first blowjob and never stopped since. I lost my virginity at 16. That was late compared to my friends. This did not matter anyway because at the point in my life I was considered the blowjob queen in school.

I needed to go to therapy. I was depressed. My mom did not want me to go. She did not want the secret out, remember no one knows. She fought me on it so I cut myself over eighty times on my legs and showed a teacher, who sent me to the hospital for a tetanus shot and to therapy very quick.

Well in short, I confronted my brother in a letter when I was 24, which luckily he did not deny. I no longer own this. I gave it to him. I forgive so I can move on. My brother and I never really spoke of it. He did though cry and did not refuse my letter; he made it clear that he knew I was confronting him.

Today like I said, I am 32 and he is 42. We actually have a nice relationship. Until this day I kept my father protected, not for the sake of my mom or my brother, but because I never wanted to hurt my dad. It bothers me that I did not have the right to tell my dad many years ago. My anger I think today is more towards my mom for protecting the wrong kid. I try not to be bitter for I believe she was also scared and made a very poor decision.

Thanks for listening and to all that have endured any abuse you are not alone.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

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