Child Abuse Story From Rhiannon

by Rhiannon
(Location Undisclosed)

I am 26 years old – for the past 13 years I have hidden a secret and it has nearly destroyed me. When I was approximately 10 years old, my step father started abusing me – verbally, emotionally and physically. It continued until I was 13. I have very hazy recollection about the early stuff – guess my mind has just closed all those memories off because they are too hard for me to deal with.

I loved my father – I was completely and utterly a proper daddy's girl – I followed him everywhere, barely left his side. He was the one I went to when I fell and cut my knee, or needed a hug, and he took advantage of my unswerving love for him in the worst possible way.

I have one very clear memory of my father abusing me – I don't know if it was the first time or the 100th time – but it is crystal clear.

I was at home alone with my dad, which was not unusual. I was sitting on his lap watching TV, and I remember the feel of him starting to touch me. I guess it can't be the first time, as I remember thinking that I was sure he shouldn't be doing it and I remember feeling like I really really didn't want him to be doing it. I remember it hurting and I remember so clearly the smells, feelings and emotions I went through on that occasion. It's too hard right now to think on it for very long, but I have to exorcise these demons.

The abuse stopped when I fell pregnant. I was 13 years old. I tried telling my mother, a teacher ... and no one believed me – I was accused of "misbehaving" with an older school friend – that I was a dirty naughty child for letting a boy do this to me, and I tried too hard to tell them that it wasn't a boy – it was my daddy. But no one would listen.

I learned from that point that telling the truth got me nowhere – and from that point on I would only do things that helped me.

Eventually I lied – I told my teacher and my mother that I'd been messing about with an older guy from school – someone who was over 16 – I was below the age of consent so the police were involved. He was arrested and blamed for getting me pregnant. When all he'd ever been to me was a friend. This boy killed himself because he couldn't understand, couldn't deal with the blame ... I see his face in my nightmares and I have never gotten over the all consuming guilt of being responsible for him ending his life.

I was given no support whilst pregnant, went to term ... and then my baby was taken away from me – I have no idea where he is, what he looks like, his name ... that kills me every single day.

I have taken a huge step – I have reported my dad – I am now 26 and can't let him steal another day of my life. I am having therapy which is helping me to start dealing with some of the things that happened.

Nothing will ever take away the guilt I feel for those that suffered because I was not believed.

Nothing will ever make the memories of my father doing the things he did go away.

Nothing will ever stop me feeling guilty, responsible, afraid.

But He will Never Hurt Me AGAIN.

He spent years and years telling me I was such a dirty, bad person. Telling me I was a terrible child, and later on when my marriages failed, telling me that it was because I was such a fat, ugly, bad person that no one wanted me. No – one would ever want me because I was unlovable. That the only person who would ever love me was him.

For 13 + years I have believed that and it has come close to killing me – both physically and emotionally. I now suffer with a mental health disorder which has caused me to hurt so many people, myself included. I have lost some amazing people from my life because of what he did to me – I have only just recently been able to admit all this – and I don't quite know why I am posting this right now ... I think if I am able to do this, then I can tell the world if I need to. When I am ready, I am going to find my child – and I am going to tell him that I never wanted to give him up, wasn't given the choice. I will explain what happened and hope he can forgive me.

My Father sexually and emotionally abused me. I was abused as a child.

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE
I AM AN AMAZING PERSON

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