Child Abuse Story From Rhianna

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Child Abuse Story From Rhianna

by Rhianna
(United Kingdom)

My father physically, sexually and emotionally abused me from a young age. I am now in my 40s and am still struggling with the after-effects, which include severe depression and anxiety, suicidal feelings, flashbacks, relationship problems and low self-esteem.

He was a hospital consultant, thus holding a high status in society and in the eyes of others. People seem to find it hard to believe that anyone in this sort of profession could be capable of child abuse. In addition, he was a Jekyll and Hyde character - one person at work and with his friends, and another behind closed doors with the family.

He died in 2004 and his funeral was attended by many people. In addition, his work colleagues organised a memorial service in his honour and again many people attended. The focus was on what a wonderful caring person he was. He couldn't do enough to help others and did so much to advance his profession. If only they knew the truth - the other side!

I attended both these events, with great difficulty, because I wanted to support my mother. Looking back, I think I should have put myself first, stayed away and not put myself through this sort of trauma. My brother, who was also abused by him, did not attend. Can you imagine how painful it was to sit in the memorial service, held in a big hall with a huge photograph of him at the front and people talking endlessly about how wonderful he was!

During the refreshments afterwards I had to put up with one of his colleagues coming and telling me off. He approached me and in an accusing voice said, "Are you surprised there are so many people here?" I said, "No." He then continued. "Your father was a wonderful person and a wonderful father. He did not abuse you but treated you as any father would." He knew that at some point I had spoken out about the abuse. He then gave me a lecture, telling me such things as that I should be grateful that I've got my health. As I knew this man to be a "Christian" I tried to quote a passage from the Bible involving seeing things through a glass darkly, i.e. that he did not know the whole truth. After he spoke to me I was so devastated that I left the event in tears. Why do people seem to find the reality of child abuse so hard to accept - even up to the present day when there should be more awareness of it?

Some of my earliest memories involve having my father's penis shoved into my mouth - just thinking about this makes me feel extremely sick - a million miles away from the accolades of the memorial service! These experiences were truly devastating. I felt like an object, useless, worthless, just a lump of meat to be used and abused by my father. You are like a lump of meat being chopped up by the butcher. You are treated worse than an object or an animal.

The fact that it is your own father makes you feel more sick and worse, I think. Your parents are supposed to care for you, protect and love you; and when they don't, it can feel as though you deserve all the punishment, pain and abuse that you get. Maybe even God, (Who I believe in) wanted me to have parents like this, so what does that say about how worthless I am? God created me and my parents and so why did He not stop the abuse? Why does He allow such things to continue?

It's difficult to feel good about yourself when you have had experiences like this - the sexual abuse, the physical beatings, having your head banged against the wall repeatedly, being constantly told that you are useless and worthless, the lack of belief and support from others and from your family. You start to feel like a piece of rubbish.

Yet despite all this, I work in a therapeutic role. What an irony! Yes I understand how those I strive to help feel, but I also feel that I have got so far to go in my own healing process.

If anyone has got any ideas about how I can progress and move forward, then please let me know. It would be much appreciated! I don't want to continue to live with this amount of pain for the rest of my life.

Thank you for reading and for listening to my story.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

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Child Abuse Story From Rhianna

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May 30, 2009

Lessons I've learned...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Rhianna, it is not at ALL ironic that you would be working in a therapeutic role. Whether or not you realize it, you have found a way to turn pain into power by helping others, and at the same time, helping yourself. That may be difficult for you to see right now in the throes of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, relationship problems, low self-esteem and questioning, but you really ARE helping yourself. Perhaps not directly, but certainly indirectly. You do what you do because it feels good to do it. It feels right to do it.

Among the lessons I've learned, I've come to understand the power of helping others. Particularly when I can use my own personal experiences to help them. But that entails that I follow my own advice, and that I practice what I say to others.

I also learned that getting past the depression and low self-esteem and dark thoughts in order to see more clearly was something I couldn't do alone. I had to swallow my pride and ask for help. I was fortunate; I found that help in the therapy sessions of a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist who helped me understand the true nature of my fears and went on to teach me the tools I needed to move passed those fears. And it really was all about fear, Rhianna. Fear on so many levels. I had to learn that I was no longer that fearful, powerless little girl. I had to learn that I was stronger than I had ever given myself credit for. YOU, Rhianna, are stronger than you've ever given yourself credit for.

Did it ever occur to you that that person who crossed the line that day when he made those comments to you after your father's memorial service may have been a child rapist himself? Did it ever occur to you that he AND your father shared this perversion? Rhianna, I've learned that we cannot change what we feel, but when we change what we think we cannot help but change how we feel. When we see things in a different way, the light bulb goes on.

You are no longer that helpless little girl, Rhianna. You survived horrendous abuse. You are strong (yes, you most certainly are!) and you have what you need inside of you to make choices that will lead you toward the path of healing and recovery. Of that, I have no doubt. Reach out and ask for the help you need. The first step was writing your story here; the next may be counselling.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

May 30, 2009

Faith
by: Robyn

You should never had to deal with what you did. And i may be able to answer a few of the questions you posed in your story. I myself dealt with much of what you described. it was awful to say the least. One question you asked was God created me and my parents and so why did He not stop the abuse? Why does He allow such things to continue?
The answer is that God gave each person free will, and as such can do whatever he/she wants. But God is there for you to help heal and deal with the hurt that was caused. He see's what was done to you, and knows the hurt. Your father will be punished accordingly. This is God's law. He loves each and every one of us the same. The other question you asked was Why do people seem to find the reality of child abuse so hard to accept - even up to the present day when there should be more awareness of it?
Everyone that knew you father in a working relationship truly believed he was a "great" man. And as such cannot fathom him being any other way. All of his friends are just more of his victims that he conned. So it's not really all his friends fault. I feel for you, i really do. i know the torment of living everyday and not knowing what's coming the next minute. But just know, that you survived! Your here, and your alive~! Its hard to see that now, as it took me years to see it. But you are loved, and people do care for you.

May 31, 2009

Sadly our collegues at work in the majority of cases only know the surface level of the other person.
by: Maurice

Rhianna, I have now for years stopped making a sense of the other who is different than me in attitudes and being because I cannot make a judgment on because I do not know what is going on inside them until they begin to trust and share it with me. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Your childhood life is the truth of that Rhianna. Status in life of people ain't worth the paper it is written on when one hear stories like yours Rhianna. Wearing a religious garb on the surface makes that person Holy in the others eyes. But alas I know and many know they abuse too. Rhianna great you are in a caring profession. I am a social worker and I know my true feelings of love and care for the other are real and I emphatise with them differently because of my own background of abuse. Rhianna, Darlene is just one caring, loving, sincere encouraging human being, woman, professional person. Listen and heed her heartfelt feelings to you. Let Go and let God. God creates but has given each one of us choice to live our lives freely. Sadly it is human beings who carry out all the abuse not the God in them. Rhianna, Say, over and over again I am beautiful, I am special, I am unique, I am me in my own right NOW. I made myself so letting go bit by bit of the trauma I was put through in my innocent childhood. Sadly we who were abused live with the scars but each time we I say I am beautiful I soothe away the bigness of the scar and slowly make it an insignificant scar. My body is beautiful now and I love me in the mirror. I hope Rhianna I make sense to you. Be brave, be strong and persevere in seeing the wonderful person you really are NOW

May 31, 2009

...
by: Anonymous

Your father is so evil... I hate those so called "Christians" and "good people" who don't understand anything. Never thought about it in Darlene's view that your father's collegue could actually be a child rapist himself... it's a very good point. I know how painful it feels, Rhianna, when no one sees how evil your father is. I'm so sad when I read about how you feel like a piece of meat... but I think you'd be great in a theraputic role because you can really understand those whom you're helping. Hope you're finding someone who you can talk to and get help from too... you're just as worth it as those whom you're helping right now.

Jun 01, 2009

Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you to Darlene, Robyn and Maurice for your comments. I really appreciate your reaching out to me.
I am taking the time to think about your comments and the issues and to be kind to myself.
It means a lot that in a world where there is so much cruelty and abuse, some people are there to offer kindness and support. That in itself is quite uplifting!
Thank you again.

Jun 03, 2009

I can relate...
by: Anonymous

Rhianna, I can relate; my parents did the same thing to me, too, sans sexual abuse, and everyone outside my "family" has always loved them. Have you tried counselling?

Jun 04, 2009

Bless you. You're truly one very special person.
by: maurice

Oh Rhianna, great you are soaking in the kind words of love and support offered to you by Darlene and Me. I know you will be fine, you will succeed, you will be a winner for yourself. Build up that positive thinking image of your beautiful self. I can do it, I will do it, for Me. because I'M SPECIAL. ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOURSELF RHIANNA

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Child Abuse Story From Rhianna

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Child Abuse Story From Rhianna