Child Abuse Story From Rebekah

by Rebekah
(California, USA)

I read a story that seemed alot like mine, and it made me relize that maybe I'm just screwed up in the head. let me just start by saying that i dont FEEL like it was a molestion case. but I dont know if thats because i have a deep guilt, or if its because it wasnt. when i was about...well crap. i cant remember my age. the memory is fuzzy to me for some reason. i was most likely around 6 or 7. my cousin asked me if i wanted to show eachother our booties. I was curious and a little boy crazy (even at that age) (i think it comes from growing up without my biological father in my life) and so i agreed. we went into a dark closet where we pulled our pants down and well, i looked at him and he looked at me. this is where i feel like its my fault. after all, i did go willingily into that closet. or at least thats how i remember it. I remember getting uncomfortable as my cousin seemed to really enjoy looking at...me. the next thing i remember is my aunt bursting into the closet. then i remember her sitting my on the bed and asking me what happened. buti couldnt tell her. i kept crying and crying. i remember a sense of embarresment. I dont know if i am remembering it all correctly, if i've made up justifactions in my head, or if that really is the way it went. it hurts tho. the memory very much hurts.

this all being said. this event affected me deeply. i masterbated at a very young age, and could not (for the life of me) stop until i lost my virginity at 17. i worked VERY hard at keeping myself till marriage but my hormones drove me absolutly wild. I am not homosexual AT ALL (not homophobic either) yet as a young girl my best friend and i two different sexual experiance togather. we both remember but dont talk about it. its an unspoken rule between us. I became extremly anorexic at age 9, and have been healing ever since. I dont even understand my logic to it at that age. its notlike i had any problems with self worth. if anything i was rather vain until i learned the importance of inner beauty. ive always been sweet natured, but ive been cursed with beauty, and I very well knew it as a child. (although then considered it a blessing) I try my best to block all those memorys out. even worse my cousin is not a registered sex offender, unable to live with his mom due to what he did to his little sister. (which by the way, he isnt a sex offender because of what he did to his little sister. he's a sex offender for many cases.) and i feel like its my fault. i feel as though if i hadnt gone into that closet with him he would be different.

I want to say that I am clear of problems but im not. I'm a healing co-dependent, i struggle with anorexia even still, I dont have the ability to stay single for very long, Ive been in two different emotionaly abusive relationships, my relationship with my long term nonabusive boyfriend isnt all about sex, and i know i could be happy without it in the relationship but yet i cant seem to get enough of it. and i feel so screwed up. im sorry to dump all this but i feel like im finaly telling the truth. no moderations or anything, just the truth. and it feels good. even if i get no replies, im happy to have been able to write this, and if your reading this (still) thank you for listening.

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