Child Abuse Story From Rachael1

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Child Abuse Story From Rachael1

by Rachael
(Stanwood, Washington, USA)

LIFE OF LIES AND ABUSE:
I was sexually abused for the first time at 6 years old. Peter was a 15-year-old kid. He would come over to my dad's house ('cause my parent were split) all the time to come and play with me and my brother and my twin. He'd hang out with my dad...he kind of helped this kid out.

One night he got really drunk and my twin and my dad were passed out on the couch and my brother on the other couch and I was on the floor with Peter at opposite ends of the room. I woke up with someone between my legs, pulling my underwear down and I was kind of still asleep and I was so young still. I was used to my mommy changing me when I was sleeping. But I stared feeling weird feelings in my privates and wet things. I woke up and had no idea what the hell was going on. Then I started to cry and he put his hands over my mouth. He said things to scare me enough to not say anything. The whole time I was trying to close my legs and squeeze tighter, but he did not stop. Then he wiggled away like 10 minutes into it.

I never said anything to anyone—I have no idea why—until I was 10 and I told my brothers and sisters because shortly after that event my taekwondo teacher was doing really weird things to us. Like the first guy I made out with was a 70-year-old man.

He lived with my dad and we were alone with him all the time. I would be in the bath and he would make me stay in the bath while he did his business on the toilet for like 20 minutes. I would be so scared to have to walk out in front of him. I stayed and smelled a shampoo bottle 'cause I would be puking in my mouth. He would tickle me until I would pee my pants. He one time had cum all over the outside of his pants and dry humped me. That's basically all I can remember. But when I told my cousin and he told his mom, the cops got involved. The sad part is he did it to 13 children and got away with it because the cops said he would only get misdemeanors 'cause he never had sex with us. And it did not help that my dad was lying, saying we were never alone with him. And buying him a lawyer.

I am now 18 years old I have had a horrible drug addiction from the age of 12. I was having sex with my boyfriend at 12 and it was ok with my father. Trying to cope with life is hard. I quit the drugs about a year and half ago. I was addicted to meth, coke, and x. The feelings are starting to come back though, 'cause I have never dealt with what happened. I just want to know what other peoples' feelings they felt after their attack so I know I am not insane, and what they did to overcome sexual assault.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

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Child Abuse Story From Rachael1

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Jun 18, 2009

Part 1: When a parent doesn't parent...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Rachael, first I will say that you didn't make out "with" that 70-year-old man; he sexually assaulted you. When you use the term "make out with" it denotes consent; consent that you did not give. Consent that you could not give. What he did to you was criminal. Whether or not he penetrated you, it WAS sexual assault. The justice system where you live obviously goes by a different definition, but make no mistake, you and all the child victims of this twisted and perverted man were sexually abused by him. If he had been charged here in Canada, it would not have been a misdemeanor; it would have been sexual assault.

You must have felt such a sense of abandonment and betrayal, not just with the authorities and the justice system, but with your father. He didn't protect you when you were 6 years old: he drank to excess and gave alcohol to minors, one of whom raped you. He didn't protect you when you were 12 years old: he didn't set appropriate limits for you that would keep you safe from harm. He neither protected you from or stepped up to be by your side when you were forced to stay alone with a sex offender who ended up assaulting you. Instead of being by your side throughout this terrible ordeal, he chose the abuser, the man who assaulted you; rather than you, his precious daughter. The feelings of rejection must have been overwhelming. I can understand why you would turn to drugs; you wanted to be out of pain. Drugs made you forget, even if only for a short time. But you HAVE to be SO proud of yourself, Rachael, for realizing that drugs were not the answer. That drugs would ultimately only increase and magnify your pain. Congratulations on being drug-free for a whole year and a half! That is an amazing accomplishment. That is inspirational for anyone reading your story. You ARE an inspiration.

See Part 2: Dealing with the "feelings" and emotions that have "come back"... below.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jun 18, 2009

Part 2: Dealing with the feelings and emotions that have "come back"...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I'm also not surprised that the feelings have "come back". You are so right when you say that's because you haven't yet dealt with what happened to you. And when you DO start to deal with what happened to you, try not to tie it in with the fact that justice wasn't served. Rachel, healing comes from within oneself, not from without or outside oneself. In other words, even if justice had been served, you would still have all that pain to deal with.

Everyone deals with their pain a little differently. Everyone's path is somewhat unique, although there may be similarities along the way. What I can tell you is that ignoring or burying your feelings and emotions doesn't work, because that only serves to keep you in that same place rather than able to move forward. Not dealing with what happened can and will affect every aspect of your life: your job, your relationships, your ability to function each and every day. It sounds to me as though you've come to that conclusion yourself. Bravo for that, Rachael, BRAVO! A counsellor with experience helping sexual assault survivors is one way I would highly recommend. I also suggest you read through some of the healing and recovery stories on this site. And while I cannot compel anyone to write comments regarding their own healing process (visitors write freely, of their own accord), I can point you toward the comments I left for two story contributors yesterday, June 17th that you might find helpful:

Rachael, healing starts when you recognize that you have something to heal from. That means you've already begun the healing process, especially now that you've opened up and posted your story for others to read. There is great power in that, both for you and for others who visit here. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jun 18, 2009

I love you rach
by: lynzi

you are stong. you can heal. I know you can. I love you lady. your amazing dont forget that.

Jun 19, 2009

Be your beautiful self brave and strong.
by: maurice

Oh Rachael 1. reading your ever so tragic and sad story of abuse. sickened me, made me feel angry at what these totally brutish and sick human beings did to you. Darlene sure is a mother figure to you in her loving, gentle, caring, affirmations to you. naming what happened to you as the worst form of abuse on an innocent beautiful child/teenager/adolecent. That 70 year old was just a animal in the way he sexually abused and used you. With Darlene's loving suggstions to you now as to where to begin to let go of those awful memories. It may seem to you that what happened to you will take a very long time to heal. Begin loving yourself, your beautiful body, your wonderful and real gentle, sensitive caring person. Let your friends hug you, caress you, be gentle with you. Trust them when they tell We Love You for who you are now. Don't Quit Rachael 1. Don't let life get you down because of all that horribleness that you had to endure. One step at a time, one day at a time, believe in yourself. I love me say over and over again. Look and see that loving caring person in the Mirror. I can accomplish anything I want for me in my life. Spend time soaking into you all Darlene's heartfelt LOVE to you. I can, I will I must just for me.

Jun 23, 2009

...Darlene
by: Rachael

When i say i made out with him or what ever its because sometimes i look at it as if i wanted it at the time. Because i did not know anything diffrent. We called him Master king(the taekwondoe Teacher.) so everything he did i thought was ok because he was master. I did evrything he said so did everyone around me. Its really wierd because i see Tom King almost every week and i am the one that feels bad for him. I just hold what i am truley feeling deep inside that no one gets to see even myself. As i was in the middle of writing this i left to go to the store and tom king just stopped by my work as i was leaving and i dont feel mad at him. I am more mad at my dad tham him.i have no idea why.

Jun 24, 2009

meaningful heartfelt words from Darlene
by: maurice

Reading through your feelings written yesterday Rachel 1 I could not help re-reading Darlene's Comments back to you. returning to her site means you are open to moving on within yourself. You'll need loads of LOVE and assistance from those who love you and hopefully HUG you. Darlene's words to you are your source of new beginnings in your thinking and doing. Be brave, be strong NOW today knowing you'll never walk alone now that you have found Darlene's site to express your now feelings to. She concerns herself as does all of us who write comments to You do. Look in that mirror,, the bigger the better and just hug the prettiness you see. It is a good feeling. also say loving words that will make you feel good. Don't just say them, Mean what you say admire your body and self. I'M UNIQUE. There is only one me in this world. I am not going to let anything or anyone take mt self esteem, self respect away from me. Those who abused me tried but they are not going to. Rachel 1 please oh please Say I love me over and over again.

Jun 26, 2009

tom k
by: Rachael

SO I SEE TOM K ALL THE TIME. AND I CANT BELIEVE THAT I AM NOT MAD AT HIM. I AM MORE MAD AT MYSELF FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME I THINK. IT JUST REALLY SUCKS BECAUSE WHEN I WAS DOING DRUGS I JUST MESSED UP ALL THE TIME. WITH THE LAW MOSTLY. NOW AS AN ADULT I CANT EVEN MOVE INTO AN APPARTMENT BECAUSE OF MY RECORD. THIS IS FRUSTRATING. I COULD NOT GET MY GAMBLING LICENCE EITHER. EVERYONE ELSE JUST GETS TO SEE MY RECORD BUT NOT SEE WHAT HAPPEND TO ME THAT MADE ME START TO USE DRUGS. ALL GET ALL OF THESE PUNISHMENTS AND HE GETS TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE. HOW UNFAIR. BUT I DID THIS TO MYSELF . BUT I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN MYSELF

Jun 30, 2009

See hope, see light at the end of the tunnel for yourself.
by: maurice

Don't you quit Rachel 1, you are on a good track back to really acknowledging who who really are. take time, a little longer and life for you will look up and you'll get places that seem to be all closed to you right now. If you want what is your right you will get it, allow people in the know to advise of the way to go about getting it. You'll succeed, you will accomplish anything you want. Remember it is for you that you are doing it. Always believe in yourself, I can, I will, I must, I will do it just for beautiful me.

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Child Abuse Story From Rachael1

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Child Abuse Story From Rachael1