Child Abuse Story From Paula

by Paula
(Topeka, Kansas, USA)

I don't ever remember feeling good about myself. From my earliest memory, all I can remember feeling is that there was something wrong with me. I felt like an alien. I obviously wasn't human because I couldn't ever do anything right. I never fit in with other children, and to this day I feel as if I am standing on the outside of a bubble. Everyone else in the world is in that bubble. I am just looking in, knowing that I don't deserve to be in there, where the normal people live.

My father was verbally and physically abusive to me all my life. He would come in my room when I was sleeping, throw off the covers and start yelling and beating me. He complained about everything I did. It wasn't right, good enough, etc. If I moved one little thing that belonged to him, even a pencil on his desk, I would be punished severely. One time, I accidentally broke his radio and when he found out he pinned me to the wall and tried to punch me in the face. I turned my head at the last moment and instead he punched a hole in the wall. He was a psychology student when I was younger and would use what he learned to experiment on me. I was treated like a prisoner in my own home.

I watched a tv show one night when I was about 11. It was a story of a retarded girl who had been sterilized as a child so that she wouldn't have children. She had been sent to a mental institution to live. My father told me that he was going to send me there and that I would never have babies if he could help it. Then he laughed. I was hysterical and ran to my mom, screaming. She always tried to stop the abuse from happening but never succeeded. As much as I know he was the one responsible, I still can't forgive my mother for not getting us away from him.

Today, I am proud to say that I have three wonderful children who will never feel the way I feel. I have not followed in my father's footsteps and have done everything I can to break the cycle of abuse. I refuse to speak to my father until he can admit what he did to me and apologize. I deserve it.

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