Child Abuse Story From Pammy

by Pammy
(Alberta, Canada)

Brotherly Love:  
I was 8, my brother was 12; we were at my grandparents' house, staying for a weekend. We had set up a tent in their yard. My parents let us stay in it together, along with my cousins: a girl same age as me and a boy same age as my brother. My brother loved my girl cousin. They got along great and he always treated her nice. Me - he was not interested in me. He treated me with dislike and was cruel.

One night, my girl cousin was sleeping and my brother asked me to let him feel me. He said that he would love me if I let him and my cousin touch me. I would have done anything for my brother. So of course I let him. All I remember was him telling me to relax and do what he wanted. From there on, it was intercourse, when and whenever.

I was very scared during the nights. I would take hours to crawl into my parents' room just to sleep on their floor; if the floor creaked, then my parents would wake up and tell me to go back to bed. Instead I went into my brother's bed, but of course there was a cost. The abuse continued....

Then when I was 10, my grandparents (father's parents) were staying with us. While my parents and grandmother were out, my grandfather, whom I loved greatly, came into my room and proceeded to put his hands up my shirt. He told me that I was a pretty girl and growing. He wanted to go into my pants to see if I had "hair" yet. I told him to stop and he did, but not after telling me that I was a bad girl. I waited a bit, then left my room and went downstairs. I told my brother, who had been watching TV at the time - I told him that Grandpa touched me. He said that he did not believe me, and that if I was telling the truth, I needed to tell Dad. (This is the same brother who was abusing me as well.)

When my father came home, I called him downstairs and told him; he said, "So long as it was Grandpa, there was nothing wrong with it." I was devastated. If he did not believe me and said it was okay, what would he say about my brother?

The abuse finally stopped with my brother when I was 12 and had started my period. I shut away the abuse, choosing not to acknowledge it or believe it - I made up a story to my friends about a boyfriend to whom I lost my virginity...I think I believed it myself.

My life was a mess, drinking too much, I did 30 days in jail, countless one night stands, I was bulimic, and very very angry. It was the birth of my son at age 26 when things came crumbling down. I tried to kill myself 3 times by overdosing. All I could think about was how I was going to protect him if I could not protect myself? How could I fight for him when I could not fight for myself?

My husband told me that I needed to get help. I went into weekly sessions for the next 2 years. I told my parents; and they asked my brother about the abuse he inflicted on me. He admitted it freely. They still have a wonderful relationship with him, and I still feel like I am the outcast of the family.

I am the only one with problems. I am the only one that needs fixing. My father says that he can't remember me telling him about my grandfather; my brother remembers. So I am trying to heal and move on. I no longer speak with my brother. My parents cannot speak of him to me. I am still the only one in therapy.

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