Child Abuse Story From Nikki S

by Nikki S
(Ontario, Canada)

I was born into a dysfunction family of drugs and physical abuse. I and my siblings were apprehended by the CAS when I was 4. We were all separated into different homes across the city. I was placed in an orphanage and stayed there until I was 8.

About 6 months into staying at the orphanage I was befriended by a male staff member, and shortly thereafter abuse began. It started out by touching and then escalated to a threesome involving another girl in the orphanage. She was 6 years older than me. Both of us became his sexual fantasy. This continued for 4 years.

When I was 8, I was moved into my first foster home. I was the only girl and the 2nd youngest. Finally I thought, I was safe...until I was locked into the shed by the 2 older foster brothers, tied down and brutally raped. I was moved shortly after due to marriage breakdown, not because of the rape. I was called a liar and even though there was evidence to what had happened I was told I did it to myself.

I was then placed into another foster home, where again I was the 2nd youngest and my older foster siblings where girls and the youngest was a boy. One of the girls and this boy were the biological children. Immediately, on a visit placement I told the worker that I didn't like this place, and that I didn't want to come and live here. My pleas were ignored and I was placed there the following day. From the get go, I and this boy had a problem getting along. No matter what the argument, I was always to blame and then was beaten by the older girls and then sent to my room by the parents. These incidents continued on almost daily and I started to runaway. Each time though, I was apprehended and returned to that family. That's when the sexual abuse began at the hands of the foster father.

After one of these incidents, the foster mother walked in the door, and saw me in tears. When she inquired as to what had happened, he said I grabbed him inappropriately trying to seduce him. I was beaten black and blue by my foster mom and that night I ran. Two days later I was again apprehended and placed back in that home.

One night I was having a bath and spilt water on the floor, which leaked down into the living room as there was no tile on the bathroom floor. The parents barged in, yanked me out of the bath by my hair and told me to get dressed. When I came out of my room, they stood there with one of their guard dogs on a short leash. They pushed me into the corner and told her to attack, she lunged at me with her teeth baring and they yanked her back telling me that all they had to do was "let her off her leash and she would rip me apart" and that they would bury my parts all over their farm and I would never be found. That I would be considered an unlocated runaway, and nobody would even look for me as they didn't care! I was so scared that I messed my pants (what 10-year-old wouldn't). I hid my soiled garments under my bed and the following day, the foster mom found them and rubbed them in my face. I had scratch marks all over my face from her nails. So again I ran, only this time when apprehended I wasn't placed there as they said that I was a rude little girl who they couldn't help and they worried about the impact I was making on their son.

I was then placed into a lockdown facility called Salaps. I stayed there for a year and then made my break.

Due to the abuse, I found myself at 12 using intravenous drugs and working the street as a prostitute. I spent most of my youth and adult life behind bars for various assaults and drug possession charges.

At 24, I figured the life style hadn't ended my life, so I must have some purpose here on earth. I cleaned up and have been clean for 14 years. In that time I have not been in jail and have been a good girl. Things were really going okay for me. I gave birth to my son and thought finally living is possible. I was needed for once in my life and finally I could unconditionally love someone without being hurt.

Then it happened....

When my son turned the same age that my abuse began, my life turned upside down and confusion, anger and turmoil set in. I woke up someone totally different, someone that was no longer coping but was ready to kill someone.

This chaos and turmoil continued for 3 years and then I admitted myself into the hospital due to suicidal thoughts. This is when I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Life has not gotten any easier since this diagnosis other than I am able to understand the Insane Membrane that I have.

I can't trust anyone. I don't believe in God, and refuse to ask him in prayer for anything. Only because all these abusers were, "Christians." During the day they attended prayer circles and church. During the night they became predators. God forgave them and left my soul with all their horrible sins and scars...

It's a daily struggle for me, but I feel there is some purpose for my time here. Now I just have to figure out what—maybe when all the chaotic thought patterns come to some rest—will it be revealed to me.

Thanks for reading...Healing Energy and Thoughts to all us survivors.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.