Child Abuse Story From Nicole

by Nicole
(Las Vegas, Nevada, USA)

I don't have a normal molestation story. Mine is a little different, but still I figured I would share.

As long as I remember, my mom was severely clinically bipolar and could not function in day to day life without about 6 pills a day. My mother and I were not very close. You could say I was a "Daddy's Girl". My dad and I turned to each other to find family strength because my mother's illness was very hard to live with. Both of my parents are biological, and well to be frank, shouldn't have been parents.

My mother loved her husband and had a jealousy issue that she kept to herself. My father had his own issues with gambling every penny. He had to smoke pot with the leftover Social Security check.

I remember the sexual abuse started when I was around 4 or 5 years of age. He used my natural curiosity to introduce me to his parts and how I should make him feel good. As time passed this became a game between us. When you are so young, even when you do wrong, it still doesn't feel wrong till you get the proper punishment to make the line of what is "right and wrong".

As I got older, the reason for the sex changed. I remember being told that he needed it to recharge his batteries and if I want our family to stay like it is (my mother in the picture) then I will take my mother's place and recharge him. But even as I got older, I still resisted in this game. It became unspoken agreements, like that was the norm in the house.

I started to resent my time with my father because all he wanted was to do one thing. I started to believe that when I wasn't "playing the game" I wasn't important. So in my mind of about 11 years old, I said it was going to stop. I remember my father telling me that it is my choice. He would never force it.

So one day I talked to him about my feelings. He seemed to understand. He even tried to tell me that things would change...but they didn't. In fact, instead of it being a "game", it became Punishment or like how I understand it's a bartering system: you can do this which would feel good or you can bend over bare-assed and take 10 swats with the belt!

Hindsite is 20/20 of course. It's human nature to go the easier route, so the sexual manipulation continued. This went on till I turned about 14 and started to speak up for myself, telling him if he didn't keep his hands off me I would call the cops. I would have him put away. His return response was intimidation. He would threaten to tell my mom (who would have probably killed herself over it). He would threaten to break every bone in my body. He made me fear him, reminding me that he was in the Navy, a blackbelt in karate and that he would physically hurt me if I ever reported him.

His intimidation worked. I let him control me and use my body to recharge him...the last time he had his way with me was when I was 16. I cried the whole time.

A week later we moved in with my grandmother and started saving for an apartment. My mother had been admitted to the hospital and now needed to live in a home. My grandmother was a very cruel person with words. I remember when I was 17 feeling trapped and worthless. That was my first attempt at suicide. I wrote a letter to myself and god and attempted to choke myself to death. Instead I knocked myself out in unconsciousness. I woke up that morning, ready to move to our new apartment and hopefully take some control in my life.

The abuse started in another form. He didn't want to recharge anymore. His new hobby was putting me down and making me feel utterly worthless and disgusting.

When I turned 18, I left with a boyfriend and moved from friend house to friend house till I finally got on my feet and moved out with a best friend with a similar story...but life was moving way too fast. I couldn't start the healing process, so I mentally swept everything under the rug and didn't face it again till I had to...my father molested my 5-year-old half sister and her mother was pressing charges. My nightmares had become true. People were going to know about my secrets, my true self.

Court has now taken 2 years and we are still yet to have a trial. I have put as much faith in god as best as I can. I am now 24 and my biggest hurdle to all this abuse is knowing even though I was a child that I always made the choice to allow him to take my innocence, my integrity, my happiness and part of my life. And the worse part of it all is that he never forced it on me. He always made it my decision...I struggle with the cards I have been dealt every day of my life. This is my story.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.