Child Abuse Story From Nicky

by Nicky
(London, England)

I am a 22 year old female survivor of childhood sexual abuse. my life had led me down many complicated paths and i am just at the start of the hardest one so far. sorry if i waffle quite a bit but i have a lot to get off my chest.

I suppose i need to start before i was born for you to fully understand my family situation, well here it goes. my mum (J--) married her highschool sweetheart (P--) and they had 3 beautiful little girls. things were very tight money wise for several years and P-- was working all the time which understanably put a lot of pressure on their relationship, this is when my mum had an affair which resulted in her fourth pregnancy (me). I was born in December 1988 and my mum and P-- decided that i would be brought up thinking P-- was my real dad just like my sisters. from what i remember, this time that we spent playing happy families was brilliant, as far as i was concerned i had a mother and father who loved each other and three sisters who were fun to play with.
but things soon changed. when i was about 2years old my biological father (K--) demanded that he would become involved in my life and so i spent half my time in his flat. he had a small 2 bedroom flat and did not work. the first thing i remember about staying at my father's house is that he was never alone there, he had a group of friends that would come around to play cards in the evenings, these nights i was allowed to stay up late and the other men would chat to me. it wasnt long until things started to change. i must have only been about 2 and 1/2 years old when one of the guys turned up with a present for me, i was a typical little girl and loved anything pink or princess related so i was over the moon when K--'s friend gave me a pink princess outfit with fluffy bits on the top and bottom. he said that he would help me get changed into it and in doing so he completly stripped me off and would not let me put my knickers back on underneath the dress. he put on some music and got me to dance around the room, wearing only this very short princess dress, while he sat on the sofa and masturbated. the other men and my father had gone out of the room by this point to give him some privacy. after the men had gone late that evening i asked my father what the man was doing, he explained to me that he liked me and wanted me to be his special princess and if i did things to make him happy, he would give my dad some money to buy food and general necesities. it was from this day forward that the men started to compete to spend time alone with me. each evening they would start with a game of cards and whoever won was allowed to take me into my bedroom and spend 1 hour alone with me and do whatever they wished. i would beg my father not to let them hurt me but he just said that this was the way things had to be and that if i wanted to be able to afford food i had to make his friends happy.

the first of my father's friends to attempt penetrative sex was M--, he was the youngest of them all and when it was his turn to spend time alone with me he didnt say a word. he just pinned me to the floor and forced himself into me. I didnt understand what was happening as until this point the men had only touched and made me touch them. this was different, this was painful. I think i was probably about 3 years old by this point but i have no way of knowing for sure. i just lay there crying but making no sound. i couldnt believe the amount of pain that one person could cause and was just watching the fish in my fish tank swimming round and tried to pretend that i was somewhere else. its amazing the power of imagination, over the years it took a lot of practice but i became able to completly disconnect from what was happening and it would be as if i were in a completly different place. after this first time i was bleeding, he left the room and my father came in. he didnt say anything but he just scooped me off the floor and took me to the bathroom. he sat me in the bath and filled it with warm water.

Well things just went downhill from here, the abuse became more and more full on and aggressive and if the men weren't satisfied at the end of their session, i would be beaten. i know you are proably thinking why wouldnt i tell anyone or how wouldnt my mum notice that something was going on, but its hard. unless you have ever been in that situation you will never understand how difficult it can be to tell. i was under 3 years old when it started so i never really knew that it shouldnt be like that. obviously it was painful and it didnt seem right but my father would just tell me that this was what little girls had to do and that it was very rude to talk to anyone about it, and that if i did then i would be in trouble and would be punished.

it wasnt until i was about 9 years old and that we started learning about sex education in school that i actually realised the extent of what had been happening to me all these years, yet i still didnt have the courage to tell anyone. i was embarrased and scared, but more than anything i just didnt know how to put it into words. so instead i ran away. i gathered some stuff together and got on a train to central london, i was missing a total of 13 days before i was found by the police. in that time i did whatever i could to survive. i was only 9 years old but i managed to find food and places to sleep. i met a 17year old girl who was also living on the streets and we stayed together for a while until i was taken home. this is when it all came out. i was placed in a temporary foster placement while they interviewed my mother to be sure she wasnt involved in the abuse then after 2 months i was returned home to my mother, P-- and my sisters. my Father got sentanced to 15 years in prison and it turned out that i wasnt the only girl that he did this to. when i was at home with my mum he would bring other girls to the house and do the same to them.

when he finally went to prison, P-- petitioned to adopt me so legally i had the perfect family i had always wanted. what went on in my Fathers home never got spoken about again. everyone but me seemed to be able to just pretend it never happened. but i wish it were that simple. for me i will never forget the things he did. i didnt hear anything from him for years until 10 years later he was released from prison, 5 years before his sentence was due to finish. he wrote me a letter begging my forgiveness and wanted to see me and become part of my life again, but i couldnt face it. maybe if i had tried then he would still be alive today. the next thing i heard from him was his suicide letter that he sent through the post to me. i cant even put into words how guilty i feel. if i had just shown the slightest interest in him when he was released then he might not have done what he did. i know i can never take that back now, its too late, but i cant forgive myself. i am responsible for his death. me and no one else.

well it is now 2 years on from his death and i was starting to cope with everything. i have a stable job and a new group of friends who know nothing about my past which makes it easier to pretend i am a normal human being. but last week i got some news and i dont know how to tell anyone. i have been diagnosed with oropharyngeal cancer and need to start chemotherapy as soon as possible. i just want a normal life for a while. is that too much to ask? how am i supposed to get passed this. the doctors have said that i am looking at a minimum of 2-3 years of treatment and that is IF everything goes to plan. when will my luck pick up?

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